|
|
Post by vp4 on Feb 4, 2013 20:24:38 GMT -5
At his last physical, the doctor told me in his presence that he is showing initial signs of being diabetic, metabolic syndrome, etc. She explained to him what he would need to do to if he became diabetic. The needles, daily injections, etc. He nodded. I practically begged him to eat better and be more active. I lead by example. I eat better, I am active even though I don't get on the treadmill or anything. I go for a walk with my dog every single day unless it is bitterly cold. I go for bike rides. I ask him to go for bike ride. His mom is never active. I had said this before. He gets conflicting messages from his parents and he picks the parent that is most like he wants to be. So, whatever I say results in roll of the eyes.
|
|
|
|
Post by vp4 on Feb 4, 2013 20:34:58 GMT -5
It also sounds like I pissed you off by bringing up the relationship thing. I apologize for that. Not at all. It was said by many here about the "damage" being caused by what I am doing. I appreciate everyone's comments/suggestions. I just think for me, it is too much to actually live in fear of "damaging" relationship. I deserve respect from this kid for everything I had done for him. If he is going to be ungrateful to the extent he is, to hell with it. I am just hoping he will grow up and by the time he is 18 or so, he will begin to understand that I am doing all this because nobody cares more about him than I do. For example, he was home this weekend for 3 days. I told him I am very proud of him for how well he is doing in school. Chatted with him for about 5 minutes about school, volunteer work he did the week prior and left him alone. Told him this afternoon to take the fruits with him. He rolled his eyes and walked away. I got good advice about giving him space and I am doing that. But I see no improvement whatsoever. He seems to think I should just pay and shut up. |
|
|
|
Post by beth on Feb 4, 2013 23:24:31 GMT -5
You def. should get the doctor involved as well as a dietician. I thought you had a kid who likes junk food--like mine who has no issues related to food even if he still ate tons of junk. There are lots of kids who eat junk food who are not prediabetic. That is a health issue far more serious than thinking about developing good habits for the long term.
He is a bit of a brat right now--I won't argue with you about that.
How about just very calmly telling him after the eye roll that "you know it feels like you are nagging him and that he doesn't like being nagged, but you are really worried about his health." And then say nothing more--then anyway.
Sometimes that works with my son--to show him I understand why he is responding the way he is, and then to explain explicitly why I am acting the way I am. I think it makes him feel understood and thus he is more open to listening.
In any case, I could punish my son until the cows come home and it would not make a difference. I tried it last year and his behavior did not change. Talking to him like above helps and short term clear consequences work too. In his case, we do not let him drive for the day or maybe two (he has his permit). I then ignore everything else he says or does. I used to punish him more for what else he said or did but it only resulted in escalation and ultimately no behavior change.
|
|
|
|
Post by dwolen on Feb 5, 2013 5:08:35 GMT -5
Perhaps the physician can recommend a nutritionist for some counseling appts for your son during the summer? What is your son's weight, height, body mass index (BMI)?
The problem of obesity is definitely one you need to be concerned about. However, I think relying on the physician and other health professionals for help would take some of the pressure off you.
Many families are in denial about obesity/overweight issues in their kids. I see this in my extended family. I remember seeing how a little girl family member weighed 90 pounds at 5 years old! Her mom, who gained back most weight after a gastric banding, and dad said she was "solid, not fat, she'll be ok, as she gets taller." This child puts more food on her plate than I do. At 5 years old, she had 2 large pieces of Thanksgiving turkey, compared to my one piece. She ate it all and had seconds. I think she must have difficulty gauging her sense of fullness.
Regarding fruit, when my dd went away to college, living with a group of young folks in an apartment, I bought a 3 month supply from the fruit of the month club. I was told never to do this again, that sending fruit as gifts was for "old people" and it was totally unappreciated and not even eaten. She said she could buy her own fruit (from the money I put in her bank account.)
Such ageist thinking! So ungrateful! I was so annoyed. I just said, "ok, thanks for telling me your opinion."
Perhaps I was uninformed? Is the fruit of the month club only for old folks? How old do you have to be to qualify to enjoy fruit being sent to you free of charge??
|
|
|
|
Post by eoffg on Feb 5, 2013 5:53:18 GMT -5
Perhaps you could take a more subtle and indirect approach?
Their is a rapidly increasing incidence of heart attacks in adults in their early 20's and even in teenagers, as a result of lack of exercise and bad diet.
So perhaps you could have a serious discussion with him, where given that he is setting himself up for an early heart attack?
Before this occurs, it is important for him to define the criteria that he would want to be used. To determine whether or not to turn off his 'life support'?
After discussing this, write it down and get it witnessed, so that it is a legal document of his wishes.
Where you aren't making any judgement, but given that he is putting himself at risk of an early heart attack?
He should be given the opportunity to think about and define the criteria for life support being kept on or turned off?
Which is important to know, so that it his decision, and not just left for you to decide?
But it shouldn't be presented in a judgmental way of his current behaviour, that is suggesting change.
Rather just as something that needs to be sorted out?
Where I would make a guess that having thought about and made these decisions for himself?
It might cause him to have some deeper reflections on his current behaviours?
|
|
|
|
Post by michellea on Feb 5, 2013 8:18:31 GMT -5
Does his school have any requirement for sports and after school activities - most of the private schools that I know of require that students join a sport or something with an exercise component? As far as the eating, my guess is that it won't be a quick fix. (not that you are saying it will be) He may be eating for emotional reasons (comfort, boredom, immediate gratification, stress) and also may not even understand how much he is eating and what a "portion" really is. Understanding all of this would be very important to making a change in addition to dealing with junk food vs good food switch.
Does he have a roommate? Do you know if he hangs with more active kids? Could peer pressure be some sort of positive influence? I wonder if the school, in addition to the medical community, could step in and help to make needed shifts. What role do the dorm parents play?
I agree that his health issues need to be a real priority and I can understand your worry. Does your wife have an understanding of just how serious things are? It seems that his health is a concrete issue you that you could rally behind, even if you disagree on other aspects of child rearing.
My nephew - 18, is anorexic. At least 60 pounds underweight and truly at risk of dying. Yet, his parents (who actually work well as a team), are having a VERY difficult time helping him take advantage of medical intervention, sticking to a plan, doing the hard work of changing behavior and learning how to eat properly. This very bright 18 year old (with legal adult privileges) now wants to check himself out of his day program for eating disorders, get an evening feeding tube, and take medical marihuana to solve the problem. He does not understand (or acknowledge) that behavior change needs to be front and center to solve the issues long term. He tried attending the program part time, but over vacation he slept late, missing needed meals, and pushed back when his parents said anything. He lost more weight.
My point is that even when there is IMMEDIATE and concrete danger around diet, kids can be disrespectful and make stupid decisions. Even smart kids. Even kids that are usually respectful. Parents feel desperate and their desperation is viewed by the child as disapproval or nagging. It is very difficult.
You wrote that it is too difficult to live in fear of damaging the relationship. I think that this kind of fear would hamper my self confidence in dealing with my son and make it feel like walking on egg shells - not a positive feeling. If you feel like this, I understand the difficulty. Maybe it would help to refrain the perspective to an approach that will help increase the probability he will consider your point of view. This may feel like a small first step - merely gaining consideration. But it may be the first step toward being heard and creating change.
|
|
|
|
Post by hsmom on Feb 6, 2013 9:36:29 GMT -5
What kind of role does the school nurse play at your son's school. At my son's school, she's always present at meals as that's when she distributes the boys' medication. I've found that she can be a good source/guide as to what my son should be eating at meals and snack time.
Or, what about his dorm parent or adviser? Would they be willing to talk to and guide your son to better eating and more activities? My son needed gentle, but persistent encouragement from his teachers/coaches to try sports which is vital to keeping his activity level up. After initial resistance, he tried skiing which he now enjoys a lot and goes weekly and he also joined the soccer team which means practices and games during the fall.
|
|
|
|
Post by vp4 on Feb 24, 2013 21:19:42 GMT -5
The advisor is useless. She seems to think less is more when it comes to parental involvement. I have seen some improvement over the last couple of weeks. I actually got a call yesterday, in response to my call. That is tremendous progress, silly as it may sound. Took him out to lunch today. He is doing even better in school than last trimester. He has no friends at school. He has his own room. Keeps to himself most of the time. The whole dorm is full of Chinese kids who he doesn't understand due to difficulties they have with English. (All are from china, I am not being mean) plus he has social skills deficits. I saw wrappers of chocolates, chips all over his room. Told him I am worried about his health. Didn't roll his eyes. Said he ate only 10 this week. Bought him a bag of bananas. He still doesn't know how to talk. For example, he ran out of quarters to do laundry. He said to me, I have no quarters for laundry. I corrected him by suggesting that he say "dad, I ran out of quarters. Can you get me some?" I guess years of speech therapy hasn't done the trick. But I have to be happy with the small progress. He will be home for 3 weeks for spring break. I am going to leave him alone. Spoke with him about doing online summer coursework on algebra2. Doesn't want to but doesn't have any ideas to do anything else. Told him that he will not vegetate for 3 months. Perhaps he can get a job for a few weeks. Who will hire a 15 year old?
One thing is for sure. He will not go back to dorm next year. I can't afford it by myself. And the bathrooms are filthy. Smelly, unfleshed toilets. Ugh. Boys. I am thinking about what to do for next year. Leave him at that school and move there so he can live with me (this will be a nightmare possibly). I dont want to bring him back to public school. He has done so well this year. But affording it has become a major problem. Sell my house and get an apartment possibly. I have questions about how rigorous the curriculum is. They assure me it is on par with local high school which is ranked pretty high in the country. Is he doing well because he has turned the corner or is it because he finds the curriculum easy. Need to figure that out over the next few months.
|
|
|
|
Post by jisp on Feb 24, 2013 21:30:09 GMT -5
No friends at school would be a serious red-flag for me and would make me concerned that the school is not meeting his needs to grow an whole person, which is part of what schools should do.
Sometimes kids with social deficits actually do better with kids who are from another country and do not speak the language. The culture and language gap can sometimes even the playing field. But there is no denying that the culture gap between Chinese teens and American teens is huge and can be hard to bridge.
|
|
|
|
Post by vp4 on Feb 24, 2013 21:43:24 GMT -5
I had asked the advisor in the past about social skills and she said that he has opportunities to spend time with other kids going out to dinners on weekends or mall trips, etc. he used to come home every weekend. I told him to come home every other weekend and instead spend time with his schoolmates on some weekends. This weekend he went gokarting with some kids. During another weekend, he played indoor sports with other iids. He will be home next weekend. He will spend sometime with his buddies from middle school. He will never be socially comfortable. He is very shy. He spends way too much time on his laptop. I asked them to cut his Internet access by 2230 and they have yet to do it.
|
|
|
|
Post by dwolen on Feb 24, 2013 23:32:26 GMT -5
Regarding summer jobs, perhaps your son could work in your office? Your online name, vp4, suggests you're a vice president of some corporation? It's just an idea. Perhaps your son could do some computer research for someone, or filing, or something not too hard but that requires he interact with people?
I know a lot of people who help their kids or relatives' kids get their first job or a helpful job experience through their connections. My dd, who was scared, shxtless to do office work, took a job last summer being a legislative intern for a friend of mine who is a state rep. The friend's dtr also lacked a lot of confidence, and my friend hired her dtr in her office some years ago.
|
|
|
|
Post by healthy11 on Feb 25, 2013 9:45:25 GMT -5
Truthfully, I don't think the way your son expressed himself about running out of quarters for laundry is unusual for a teen. I know you're disappointed, but putting it in perspective, a lot of boys his age would rather wear dirty clothes instead of using the washing machine. They wouldn't even mention running out of quarters, either because they forgot they needed them, or because they don't want to have to do their laundry and having no coins is a convenient excuse.
I'm not sure what the work rules are in your state, but I believe children under age 16 in my state are allowed to work only a limited number of hours for pay in family businesses. One alternative for 14/15 year olds where I live is to serve as "junior camp counselors." They typically sign up through park district or YMCA teen programs, and assist the college/adult counselors in supervising younger children. It gives them an opportunity to participate in some of the same activities and develop some "leadership" skills, but they also have a chance to interact with peers who are fellow "junior counselors."
|
|
|
|
Post by michellea on Feb 25, 2013 10:18:09 GMT -5
vp4 - Sounds like progress! Small steps forward in a positive direction.
Regarding issues with the school - I don't have children in boarding school, but I would expect a more timely and enthusiastic response than what you have received regarding the internet and even issues about friendships, eating etc. Is there someone other than the advisor that you could reach out to? Is this advisor's approach similar to others - or might others be more responsive?
I am glad to hear he is taking advantage of weekend social activities and even acknowledging some of the nutrition issues. I hope that this continues!!
As far as work - in MA he can work up to 3 hours a day with working papers. If he works in a farm related business there are even fewer restrictions - some of the big ice cream shops are protected under the farm rules (ie Richardson's on the north shore). Otherwise, most kids do as Healthy suggested - town rec counselors, camp counselors, dog and baby sitters, lawn work. My kids ended up volunteering for organizations in areas of interests - Lacrosse camp for my daughter and AMC for my son. No pay, but they were busy and developing other skills.
Good luck on your decision for next year. It sounds a bit stressful as you are working through the options. Hope you land on something that is financially feasible and supportive for both of you regarding location, work and all the other issues that come with choosing a place to live/move!!
|
|
|
|
Post by kewpie on Feb 25, 2013 11:44:11 GMT -5
> have sacrificed my happiness, all money I earn for him and he never shows even the slightest of gratitude. Granted he is 15 but he can understand what I do for him. He is a taker and not a giver in any sense of the word. Even his report card had a comment from adviser that said he doesn't show any empathy <
I feel your pain vp4, and my kids are a bit older than yours. It takes much more time for these kids to mature. Think of your son as about 3-4 years younger and expect the maturity to match. This frame of mind can help keep you from going crazy.
Part of the AS diagnosis is the lack of theory of mind from which in turn results in low or non-existent empathy. It is NOT a character flaw. In order to develop theory of mind, your son needs a therapist who is skilled in teaching theory of mind. This is the true essence of social skills training , not manners as many would have us believe. Your son will not "automatically" develop this skill without explicit teaching. It sounds like your son is not in a school that specializes in AS so your are very likely to continue to be unhappy with the comments from staff as they don't "get it". He is unlikely to "naturally" develop friends without direct intervention. I would look for a school that specializes in AS and with it you may find a really supportive parent environment for you as well. My son went to a day high school designed for AS kids and it was the best thing for him and us. We met a like minded group of parents who would go to the ends of the earth to support their kids and the other families. They would have parties or outings and include the other students. Its been almost 2 years since he graduated and he is still close with those kids and has made new friends in the local community college.
|
|
|
|
Post by vp4 on Feb 25, 2013 14:41:30 GMT -5
Truthfully, I don't think the way your son expressed himself about running out of quarters for laundry is unusual for a teen. I know you're disappointed, but putting it in perspective, a lot of boys his age would rather wear dirty clothes instead of using the washing machine. They wouldn't even mention running out of quarters, either because they forgot they needed them, or because they don't want to have to do their laundry and having no coins is a convenient excuse. Really? He said "I have no quarters for laundry" out of context. Till he blurted that out, he was playing on his phone. Out of the blue. I am not disappointed with that. I expected more out of a 15 year old. He should say it the way I suggested to him. He needs to learn. It would help him address his teachers and other appropriately when interacting with them also. ;D |
|
|
|
Post by vp4 on Feb 25, 2013 14:45:59 GMT -5
kewpie, good comments about AS. He did get 3 years of Social Thinking Skills in middle school. The school he is going to now does not specialize in kids with AS. They seem to have all sorts of kids...AS, Dyslexia, etc. He is doing so well academically that I am disinclined to change it at this point, unless I can no longer afford it. I am willing to live with his underdeveloped social thinking. He probably is a few years behind in development compared to his age. Perhaps during the summer, I would send him to Speech therapy where he will get back on that Social Thinking Skills program.
|
|
|
|
Post by vp4 on Feb 25, 2013 14:52:07 GMT -5
michellea - I can reach out to the principal regarding internet, etc. I had seen that on Saturday night he was up till 4 AM in the morning posting messages on youtube. That annoys me because I had spoken with his advisor who also happens to be dorm parent. I get the feeling this school is happy with the money that comes in and less happy when I question anything. Others had been unresponsive in the past. For example, I had asked for information about typical GPAs and test scores of kids in Academic Support and I was ignored by the college placement director, twice. I specifically said "typical" and "no names." Perhaps she felt that is intrusive.
|
|
|
|
Post by michellea on Feb 25, 2013 17:47:17 GMT -5
vp4 - Many schools have a publication they send out to colleges along with the student's transcripts and recommendations. It has things like class rankings (ie top 10% 3.9 and above, top 25% 3.75 and above, 50% etc. ) Average SAT scores for the school, number of AP courses offered (if any), pass rates etc. If you could get your hands on that, it might give you an idea of what the "typcial kid" is doing by using existing info.
|
|
|
|
Post by hsmom on Feb 25, 2013 18:12:34 GMT -5
I have a son at a boarding school. I would be quite upset if the school was unresponsive to concerns that parents have. Depending on the situation, I have called the assistant headmaster and at times the headmaster. If your son's adviser or any other person isn't taking issues you raise seriously, I would talk to a higher up who is willing and able to act. My son's advisers have been responsive, but I found early on that the assistant headmaster at his school was the best person to talk to as he would take phone calls during the day and would answer emails very quickly. Also, he was always aware of what was happening with my son and would address concerns that I had. As with Jisp, I would be very concerned if my son didn't have any friends. Also, is being in a single room the best situation for your son? I know that finding the right roommates is not always easy, but interacting and negotiating with others can be a good learning experience for only children like ours. Lastly, my son has made good friends and learned a lot from being with boys "just like him" (in his case with LD and ADHD). Have you considered sending your son to a summer program with others with Asperger's to make friends and learn social skills? Franklin Academy in CT has a summer program for students with NLD and Asperger's that you might want to consider. fa-ct.org/summersojourn.html |
|
|
|
Post by vp4 on Feb 25, 2013 20:06:04 GMT -5
I have access to naviance. It doesn't show any data for accepted students though. I don't know where else that info is available. The school website lists acceptances and nothing else.
My son did have a roommate who moved to a room of his own when one became available. I will look into Franklin academy for summer. I did consider it for admission last year but it is so darn expensive.
|
|
|
|
Post by empeg1 on Feb 26, 2013 2:18:03 GMT -5
I think your 14 year old can do volunteer work this summer. And, there are some camps. I know in my area there are computer camps for teens. Maybe your son would enjoy the above. I truly am a believer in not teens not going to more school in the summer. And, why not have your son live at home for a few months? BTW, my best friend has twin sons, who are in their 30's. As high schoolers both boys excelled at getting D's. And, then they went to community college and decided it was their lives they were going to mess up. Both became serious students and they graduated from UC Berkeley with highest honors. One went to Northwestern in law and became the editor of the law review. The other went into law at UCLA and graduated with honors. Both are highly successful attorneys, even though they were not successful in high school.
Breathe....... try to find somethings to present to your son as choices for the summer. Things he will enjoy, that he might want to explore. Go for volunteer work; it can build a resume. And, have him home.
|
|
|
|
Post by kewpie on Feb 26, 2013 10:32:22 GMT -5
Vp4,
Don't forget that the tuition costs of special schools are tax deductable as a medical expense if you hit the income threshold and/or you can use $2500 of pre-tax flexible dollars to offset the cost. Usually the tuition is so high that one can meet the threshold. Small comfort but it is something.
|
|
|
|
Post by vp4 on Feb 26, 2013 16:01:35 GMT -5
kewpie, I looked into that. The school my son goes is not really a sped school. They do say the school is meant for boys who need extra attention. They do have kids with no sped needs. They have academic support program for kids like my son. I didn't get a note from my pediatrician saying my son needs to be enrolled in a Sped School. I don't know if I can claim the entire tuition. The last thing I want to do is get audited by IRS and not have sufficient documentation.
|
|
|
|
Post by bros on Feb 26, 2013 16:06:50 GMT -5
kewpie, I looked into that. The school my son goes is not really a sped school. They do say the school is meant for boys who need extra attention. They do have kids with no sped needs. They have academic support program for kids like my son. I didn't get a note from my pediatrician saying my son needs to be enrolled in a Sped School. I don't know if I can claim the entire tuition. The last thing I want to do is get audited by IRS and not have sufficient documentation. Go to a CPA and see. |
|
|
|
Post by vp4 on Feb 26, 2013 16:07:16 GMT -5
empeg1, the last thing my son would do is volunteer. Every time he did any such thing, it was because the school required it or I sent him. I presented him with choices. I asked for his ideas and he doesn't have any. Things he would enjoy are watching youtube, be sedentary, watching youtube, be sedentary, watching youtube, be sedentary, watching youtube, be sedentary,...... see a trend? I offered him options to volunteer near our house, with Earth Watch, National Geographic, etc. The answer was an emphatic "no." I can sign him up anyway but what is the point in spending money (Earth Watch, national Geographic cost money) to send him to volunteer. I just have to wait for him to grow up and pick his own interests and pursue them.
|
|
|
|
Post by hsmom on Feb 26, 2013 16:34:08 GMT -5
I don't want to put words into Kewpie's mouth, but I think she is referring to affording a school like Franklin Academy which is a specialized school. For example, we have taken medical deduction for our son's tuition as he goes to a school which admits boys with language-based learning disorder and he is diagnosed with SLD in reading.
IRS has recognized the school as "a specialty school serving students with language difficulty."
This is based in part on Revenue Ruling 69-607, IRB 1969-49, 13.
The IRS has privately ruled that tuition and travel can be a medical expense if the school is approved and only accepts students who need special assistance. Your son's current school would not be considered a specialty school, but Franklin Academy should be.
|
|
|
|
Post by kewpie on Feb 26, 2013 16:51:43 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by vp4 on Feb 26, 2013 17:00:06 GMT -5
Agreed about Franklin academy. If my son went to Eagle Hill for example, I would have claimed deduction. With the current school, there is no overt talk about learning disabilities such as autism, etc.
|
|
|
|
Post by michellea on Feb 26, 2013 17:30:06 GMT -5
My husband is a cpa and this issue was raised by a client with a dyslexic son that enrolled in a prep school (not special ed) as a result of his disability. After lots of research, my husband advised him that he could not take the deduction for the tuition and room and board, but could deduct the extra $8,000 a year he paid for the study skills tutoring. Of course every case is different, but I tend to agree that vp4's situation does not qualified based on what I have heard, second hand!
|
|
|
|
Post by dwolen on Feb 26, 2013 21:39:22 GMT -5
Landmark College offers a few week summer program for high school students, and many of the students at Landmark are on autism spectrum. Tuition at Landmark is definitely tax deductible. Wededucted $40K from our taxes under medical expenses, which did not include room and board, for the year our dd attended Landmark.
If you think this might be an option for part of the summer, it might be useful to call Landmark to find out what proportion of the summer HS students are on the autism spectrum, the approach, etc.
My dd got her AA at Landmark, at graduation in 2011 each student presented for 5-10 minutes about their personal experience in being a student at Landmark. It was a moving and remarkable experience to listen to all 70 graduates talk about their lives. Several of the students identified themselves as being on the autism spectrum, and their stories were particularly poignant.
|
|
