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Post by vp4 on Nov 12, 2012 18:46:24 GMT -5
I called him two days before and told him that I would like to take him to lunch. He said yes. I had done this before. Drive 160 miles just to spend a couple of hours with him over lunch. Teachers tell me he is very engaged in the classes which is something new and nice. I never asked them about socialization aspect. Will ask his advisor. He says he still keeps in close touch with his buddies from middle school. i dont think he made any friends in high school yet. He does go out sometimes with his dorm mates. on saturday he went to gokarting along with his science teacher and dorm mates. he has never been quick to make friends.
I am wondering if I am being too demanding. I even spoke with him about his youtube thing and told him I don't mind if I see results such as high GPA and his engaging in other activities such as being physically active and cultivating some interests. He is doing well so far even though his GPA is now 3.8. He got a B so far in science and I asked him what happened. No response. Asked if he needs extra help. Yes is the answer. Asked what he is learning is science and periodic table is the response and has been since September. His face seems to light up only if bring up vacation ideas. He is obsessed with cars. So I suggested that we go to Switzerland for Spring Break next year and see the Geneva Motor Show and then visit Paris, etc. his face lit up like the sun.
One thing that might be affecting him is the conflicting messages he gets from his parents. His mom is content to let him do whatever he wants. She is fine with him sitting around like her and doing nothing productive. He prefers to sit next to her, playing on YouTube and playing video games. I had so many arguments with her about this and gave up saying anything more. I don't discuss this with her while he is around to not let him see the conflict but he probably can sense the tension when he is home.
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Post by healthy11 on Nov 12, 2012 19:49:23 GMT -5
From what you just described, it sounds to me as if you son's doing okay socially as well as academically. When you say, "I don't mind if I see results such as high GPA" and then go on to state "he is doing well EVEN THOUGH his GPA is now 3.8" it seems to convey that anything less than 4.0 is unacceptable to you. While I'm all for having high standards, perfectionism isn't healthy, and demanding it might be contributing to the difficulty your son is having "relating" to you, especially if he feels you'll only respect him if he can attain YOUR goals. He doesn't sound like he's figured out his own goals in life yet, but that's not unexpected for a H.S. freshman. Your son may not be as driven/self-directed as you were at his age, but it sounds to me like he's gradually maturing, and will eventually find his way in life.
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Post by vp4 on Nov 12, 2012 19:58:20 GMT -5
I don't tell him that he must get 4.0. I merely tell him working hard, getting good grades are critical for future success. I praise him for doing this well and tell him I am proud. I never mention any type of number for grades, regardless of what i am thinking, but just that high GPA is one of the criterion for entrance to good colleges. I asked his advisor to help him with extra help in science.
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Post by jisp on Nov 13, 2012 7:04:48 GMT -5
vp4, It is not easy to "read" somebody simply based on posts on a forum. We might choose words that we think convey one idea but are interpreted by others differently. So remember that those who respond are not psychic and do not know you or your son. In this case I am only responding to the words I read.
I hear a lot of frustration in your written voice when you talk about your wife. I know that you said that you try to keep this from your son, but smart kids are often very sensitive and aware of these things even when we think they are not. If there is tension in your marriage and anger/frustration toward your wife then that might explain your son's reaction or disengagement from you. If such tension does exist and you are your wife are not working together and on the same page when it comes to how you are perceiving your young adolescent then you might want to consider family therapy/counseling to help everyone talk through what maybe is bottled up and not being addressed.
As for the "good college" PLEASE PLEASE let it go. Let your son develop without the sense that the whole purpose of high school is to get into college. College will happen. There are plenty of good (no great) colleges out there that take B students. And honestly who knows what is a "good college" anymore. Our world is changing and higher education has been slow to adapt. More importantly what might be a "good college" for one child is a nightmare college for another. I speak from experience. I have three young adult children. None of them excelled in the traditional sense in HS and all are HAPPY and SUCCESSFUL pursuing things they love and enjoy. They are hard workers and they are exactly where I would want them to be in life. Meanwhile I know other kids who spent HS working like crazy and got into "good colleges" who are in their early 20s and aimless about what they want to do, who they are, and struggling to earn a living. If your son WANTS to do better in science then he will go get extra help. You do not need to micromanage his HS career. Let him fail. Let him figure out what he likes and what he does not like. Don't be so afraid of the future that you risk ruining your relationship with your son or your son's opportunity to develop into an independent young man.
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Post by beth on Nov 13, 2012 8:33:11 GMT -5
My husband and I have had very different ways of dealing with our two difficult boys. When the second was in counseling, my husband and I saw the psychologist several times. The truth is that made more difference in the functioning of our home than all the therapy our son got.
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Post by vp4 on Nov 13, 2012 9:09:11 GMT -5
I hear a lot of frustration in your written voice when you talk about your wife. I know that you said that you try to keep this from your son, but smart kids are often very sensitive and aware of these things even when we think they are not. If there is tension in your marriage and anger/frustration toward your wife then that might explain your son's reaction or disengagement from you. If such tension does exist and you are your wife are not working together and on the same page when it comes to how you are perceiving your young adolescent then you might want to consider family therapy/counseling to help everyone talk through what maybe is bottled up and not being addressed. This might be quite possible. We are not on the same page and we never were. My wife felt it is some sort of stigma on a kid to be in special ed. She refused to sign off on school testing him. I ended up taking him to independent testing and got him out of the public school a year later and got him into a private school for 6, 7 and 8 grades and high school now. I am paying for all this myself with no contribution from his mom despite her own six figure income. I was told that I was traumatizing him with "all that testing." If my son is disengaging from me because of my relationship with his mom, that would only make things worse for us, as I am considering ending the misery and moving on. I had suggested counseling years ago and she rejected saying it wouldn't make a difference. Now, I don't know what my son hears from her nowadays and he never says anything to me about what he is thinking. There were instances in the past when I warned her to not speak negatively of me to her friends in my son's presence. There are lots of no responses when I ask questions and perhaps he feels anger/frustration. I wouldn't mind seeing a therapist with him to work through this. I had never talked about his mom and I with my son.
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Post by kewpie on Nov 13, 2012 9:54:58 GMT -5
Vp4, I think it is awesome that you have been so pro-active in recognizing your sons issues, getting him tested etc in spite of the issues with your wife. (I know a family where the Dad would not step up and advocate while the mom was/is in denial and now the kids are all suffering the effects) I agree with the other poster in easing up a bit with your son since his grades are good but make sure he knows you are always ready to assist or advocate for him any times he needs it. Your son's behavior is pretty standard. I can almost guarentee he really has no clue how it feels for you to take so much extra time just for a short visit with him. The next time you drive him home, insist he try a role reversal and be the "mental driver" . This means he cannot do anything but concentrate on the road during the whole drive so he can really experience what a long drive it is for you. You can also talk about driving and the rules of the road so it can be educational as well. I also agree that it is a reasonable request to keep his phone off during your visit time..just be sure to arrange this in advance. When we are in restaurants the only time we allow our kids to use their electronic devices is when we are out with my mother in law as she doesn't speak english and they can't speak her language. All my kids have some type of language disorder, so english was difficult for them. I suspect my MIL had a language disorder too as she never could learn to speak english.
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Post by kewpie on Nov 13, 2012 10:00:12 GMT -5
I just wanted to add that this past weekend was my aspies son's birthday (age 20) and he posted on facebook that he was planning on spending time with his family for at least one day of the weekend. Amazing! In the late morning, we all went to see Wreck it Ralph which was actually very entertaining! Later that eveing we took him to one of his favorite restaurants. He was a happy guy and we all had a great time.
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Post by michellea on Nov 13, 2012 10:01:38 GMT -5
Hi vp4 - It sounds like a very complicated and frustrating situation. Raising children is difficult enough, even when parents can support each other. When they hold significantly different beliefs, point of view and approaches, it makes it hard on everyone.
My thought is that you most likely will not change your wife or even your son. The only thing that can be tweaked is your own behavior and approach. My kids have told me that when I ask them questions, they feel like I am drilling them. I can tell you that I am not - I am only trying to open the lines of communication and to let them know that I care. But even, "How was practice today", can be met with anger and one word answers depending upon the day.
I wonder if your son is misreading your attempts to demonstrate your support. When I got in a similar loop with my daughter, I totally backed off with questions. In time, she began opening up to me and actually soliciting my opinion and advice. She is in her first year of college and although we have quite an open relationship, I am still extremely careful about "asking too many questions". When I haven't heard from her, I might send her a photo of the dogs or something of interest, to see if she takes the bait and calls or texts me. It usually works - but it is always on her terms.
I'm also wondering if your concern about his grades is causing him to retreat. Perhaps his response to the perceived pressure or disappointment is to shut down. If your questions and suggestions do not result in the change in behavior you would like, I would suggest it is time to approach the motivational techniques differently. And before you even begin to try to change things, I would suggest that you determine from both your perspective and your son's: 1. Is there a problem? (and if yes) 2. What is the problem? 3. Is it a problem that is worth solving? 4. What would a successful resolution look like?
I'm concerned that the expectation is nothing less than a 4.0. This doesn't give much room for exploration, mistakes, taking certain courses purely out of interest. High School is an important time to build resilience and develop a sense of self. Both these attributes require a bit of space to develop.
I think that it may be helpful to work with someone to help navigate these waters. Given the family situation, your son's disabilities and the difficult teen years, an outsider may be able to help you approach the situation more easily. And it could also give you the support needed to keep moving forward in a positive way. Parenting is so hard - and without support it can be lonely and frustrating.
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Post by vp4 on Nov 13, 2012 10:09:26 GMT -5
vp4, If your son WANTS to do better in science then he will go get extra help. You do not need to micromanage his HS career. Let him fail. Let him figure out what he likes and what he does not like. Don't be so afraid of the future that you risk ruining your relationship with your son or your son's opportunity to develop into an independent young man. My son lacks self advocacy skills. He would rather say nothing to anyone than open his mouth and ask for help. So, I asked his advisor to speak with him and get him extra help. I didn't talk to the teacher myself. If he were living at home, I would hire a tutor. Let him fail? That is exactly what the school said to me when we had admissions interview. Something along the lines of "We want them to fail and experience the failure and frustration and grow from it." My reaction was "Ha?" Same reaction now. I don't believe in allowing someone to fail so they learn lessons. I believe in catching failure in process and correcting the cause so that the failure doesn't happen. Since I am not around him daily, he doesn't see a helicopter parent. He in fact said the best thing about boarding school is that I am not around asking if he ate dinner, if he finished homework, etc. It was funny but he may be sending me a message.
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Post by vp4 on Nov 13, 2012 10:24:28 GMT -5
michellea, I do want to say that I never tell my son a GPA of 4.0 is expected and nothing else is acceptable. I praise him every time I see him about how well he is doing and he is. I can't complain too much about 3.88. But I am worried that he is slowly going off course which might mean tougher times ahead in future years. With all this bellyaching about youtube, I am trying to nudge him back on course so that he doesn't fall off after a good start. I am open to choosing classes that interest him. I don't plan on pushing him into AP classes or honors classes either, even though it seems like most high school kids with aspirations, seem to stuff themselves with too much workload of AP classes just to impress college admission officers. They seem miserable with their lives. I had seen a very funny (sometimes) video series about asian parents pushing their kids to prepare themselves for possible Ivy education. I don't plan on doing that with this kid. As for the problems to fix, my wife says I am too strict with him and warned me that I might ruin my relationship with him. That puzzles me because all I expect is that he work hard in school, be physically active, eat healthy and read a book once in a while. I leave him alone to spend hours upon hours playing video games and watching youtube. I proposed a deal where by I would allow him doing what he is doing provided he agrees to do what I am asking. No dice. The clear problem in my view is that he sees me as too strict since his mom she does none of what I do. He is getting conflicting messages and is gravitating towards the easier parent.
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Post by vp4 on Nov 13, 2012 10:58:06 GMT -5
OFF TOPIC - I am sure many recall aworriedmom who used to post here and was in the same school district I was in. We were fighting the same lowlifes. I just saw that her daughter graduated last year and went to Quinnipiac University. Great news.
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Post by SharonF on Nov 13, 2012 11:06:46 GMT -5
vp4--
I understand your frustration. But most boys (and girls) of this age do not think like mature adults. Around their parents, they tend to be sullen, terse or even defiant. It's a stage, like the terrible 2's. And just like toddlers, most teenagers can't be persuaded by sound parental logic about grades, friends, leisure time, or motivation.
>>I don't believe in allowing someone to fail so they learn lessons.<<
I understand your sentiment. And in my past, I probably agreed with it. But I have learned that failure, especially at this age, is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL. (Sorry to yell, but it's that important.
Why should you let teenagers and young adults fail? To help your son see that he doesn't know it all.
Sure, he could save all of you the frustration and just take your word for it. But that's not how most teenagers think.
It's far better that he learns his limitations now, through failure, than when he's older and the stakes are higher. Failure also teaches us how to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and keep moving. The ONLY way to learn resilience is to have been knocked down. And it's the only way to develop a backbone that's stronger than our hard-headedness.
To be fair, you haven't experienced my life or my parenting struggles. So you can read my advice, shake your head and disagree. But to be honest, that's kind of what your son is doing with your advice. He hears you, then he shakes his head and disagrees.
Maybe your son will learn from your advice and not have to learn from the school of hard knocks. But most people don't learn from others' well-meaning advice. We learn only from our own pain, our own struggles, our own frustrations and our own exasperation. That creates a reservoir of experiences that actually changes us and will help us later in life--as we face different types of challenges as adults.
My advice (take it or leave it): let your son fail. Or at least let him make plenty of mistakes. Especially if it's not literally life or death. But you still have an important role: when he has to deal with the consequences of his choices. Don't try to fix anything for him. Strongly resist the urge to say "I told you so." Try not to preach. Instead, guide him through an analysis of worked and what didn't. Don't give him the answers to the questions. Let him draw his own conclusions about why things didn't work out. And maybe, as beth suggested, that's the time for a 3rd party (a counselor or psychologist.)
You may have to do that "guide through the analysis" with him many times in the coming years. But eventually, he will get it. He will understand how his actions (or lack of actions) created the problems that he faces. And he will eventually develop a sense of responsibility in solving the problems he created. And he will eventually respect you for loving him, believing in him, yet expecting him to grow up and take responsibility for his choices. Yes, that is true.
I've been there, vp. It hurts. It hurts a lot. But I agree with those who suggest that you and your wife might benefit from counseling.
My husband and I went to a counselor when our son was going through the eval process ten years ago. And dh and I went back to counseling several times when the waters got really choppy during our son's very challenging college years. Each time, counseling helped us gain insight on what was really going on in our son's life, how to focus on what was really important, and how to let other stuff go.
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Post by jisp on Nov 13, 2012 13:48:11 GMT -5
To add to what Sharon said, many parents equate failure with benign neglect. But the research is very clear that the most successful learning occurs when there is something called "supported failure". What that means is that a child is allowed to fail but there are the proper supports in place to help the child process the failure in a positive way without being punitive.
We have created a generation of young adults who are crippled because our system selects against failure and punishes high school students for having any. The result is that we have young adults who are afraid to take risks and push boundaries. They want what is safe and comfortable. That does not lead to people becoming leaders or stepping up to challenges. It leads to complacence.
VP- my son FAILED high school. And I don't mean that as a metaphor. By his Junior year we were having trouble finding any publicly funded high school to accept him because nobody believed they could educate him. It was painful for us and devastating for our son. But what he gained from that experience is a determination that has made him into the successful college student he is today. My daughter struggled off and on all through college until she landed on something that she really wanted to do. Then she pulled herself together and worked like crazy to get there. But once there she was faced with some big challenges. She was not sure she was going to be able to survive in her graduate program. But she reflected on all those times she struggled as a HS student. She reflected on the times she failed and thought about why she failed. She reflected on what works and what doesn't work for her. She came up with a plan and the result was that she not only overcame the challenges put in front her she rose to the top and excelled in her program.
And to repeat what Michellea said. LISTEN, DON'T TALK unless they ask. Parenting teens is all about giving them ownership of their lives and stepping back. It is very important that you as an adult do not take ownership of your son's life but instead are the solid back-board that he can use to bounce ideas and thoughts off of when he needs to.
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Post by beth on Nov 13, 2012 14:09:43 GMT -5
I have a good friend whose college freshman son is failing 3/4 of his classes. He is smart but ADHD. He managed to slide by in high school with decent grades without really studying.
My friend had hoped he'd fall on his face in high school and learn that his tactics didn't work but somehow he never did.
He is making up for it now.
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Post by jisp on Nov 13, 2012 14:54:38 GMT -5
Beth, That happened to me in college. I am probably ADD and I know I am dyslexic. I got by in High School and managed to get into an Ivy League college. I even did reasonably well first semester. But the problem was I hit a wall. Now when I hit a wall there was nobody to tell me "Look this is the problem and this is what you need to do to overcome it." When I approached my tutor and said, "How come I can't read?" He just shrugged and said, "Of course you can you got in to XXXX" So the key is that your son's friend needs to have somebody who can now help him understand why he is failing and what he needs to do to overcome his disability.
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Post by beth on Nov 13, 2012 16:17:26 GMT -5
Jisp,
There are quite a few resources at his university including a mandatory course for freshman who obtain less than a 2.0 GPA their first semester. My friend has identified a number of other resources but the problem is her son is not that motivated. I think at this point he is engaging in magical thinking.
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Post by dwolen on Nov 13, 2012 22:55:35 GMT -5
My parenting teacher often told us (mostly mothers) that children adjust to the different styles of their parents. We would sometimes complain to her that our spouses would not "buy" into the parenting approach we had come to admire and try to practice. It is true, you can't control the relationship your son has with his mother, but you can hope it is positive. If it is positive while they watch You Tube together, well, there are certainly worse things that can happen in parent child relationships. Certainly one would wish that both parents would be united to help a child with special needs, but you have done the right thing to get help for your son.
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Post by empeg1 on Nov 13, 2012 23:07:09 GMT -5
VP4, I have a dd who is a university sophomore. She is at college that is not a "top level" school, but her major is in a program that is top rated. Even more important, her university is a perfect match for her. The above is the issue, especially as an undergrad. My own nephew, brilliant, went to Harvard and it was the wrong school for him. He did well academically but was overwhelmed by the size of the school. So, the issue of great school comes to a great school for whom? Some kids get into "great" colleges and then have to come home. A friend of my dd's got top grades in high school, lots of extra curricular activities and went to NYU. She is now home having flunked out. It was the wrong match for her. The issue of failure. I have been thinking of that one this week. My dd last year got mono as a college freshman. She has had a B average each quarter except the one when she was ill. I tried to get her to drop classes that quarter, as the university doc recommended, but, no, she was inflexible and got a D in an important class. She now has to take that class again and postpone her application for her desired major. It may keep her from the GPA she will need for that major. And, I finally back off and let her do as she saw fit. Why? I knew she would not pass all of her classes being so ill. Because she had a more important lesson to learn about black and white thinking and the importance of being flexible. I still think that allowing my dd to make a poor choice and not intervening taught my dd a more important life lesson. I allowed her to experience the consequences of her choices rather than stepping in to rescue her. And, a B in a science class is not failure. You are a very supportive dad. And, your son may feel pressured. So, questioning a teen about what is going wrong in a class with a B grade might feel pressuring to that teen. My advice, breathe.... Your son will get into college. He will make the experience at college. I have a friend whose son went to Humboldt State University in CA, not a well known school, as an undergrad. It is a smallish school where this young man excelled.That got him recommendations to grad school, where he went to U of Michigan Ann Arbor. He is a full professor in art history at the U of Michigan and well known in his field. Going to a "good", top rated college as an undergrad is not all that it is cracked up to be.
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Post by healthy11 on Nov 14, 2012 8:16:53 GMT -5
To add to the above, we have good friends whose husband got his MBA from Harvard, and he was employed by the same high-profile company that own spouse is a Director for. The project that our friend was working on was "cut," and his job was eliminated. My husband attended a far lesser-known university, and doesn't even have an MBA, but he has avoided layoffs thusfar. I'm relaying this story to point out that even obtaining advanced degrees from "great" schools are still can't guarantee success in a particular career path.
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Post by kewpie on Nov 14, 2012 9:23:11 GMT -5
I have been on the high school hunt for my dd this fall. Every high school loves to boast about their grads and what colleges they were accepted too. Now as a seasoned parent of a 3rd child, I know this means very little. The true test is..did those grads STAY in the colleges they were accepted to? It you look at any colleges web site...check out the stats for the attrition rate/or graduating rate.. It is shocking (to me anyway) that maybe about 50-60% finish on average.
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Post by eoffg on Nov 15, 2012 6:53:32 GMT -5
Though these 'stats' need to be looked at with some skepticism? Inside Higher Education has done a number of reviews of these 'stats', and found that they are almost always self-generated stats. Without any external review. So basically, when reporting their stats? It's more of a case of, what numbers can they give that people would believe?
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Post by kewpie on Nov 15, 2012 10:05:04 GMT -5
>Inside Higher Education has done a number of reviews of these 'stats', and found that they are almost always self-generated stats. Without any external review.<
I don't understand the statement. Can you clarify?
"Self-generated? Do you mean generated by the colleges? Who else would generate them?
Who would do the external review?
The stats I look at are generated by the college website.
If you think about the state colleges that take in the juniors and seniors generated by the community colleges..wouldn't the original number of freshmen allowed entrance 2 years prior have to have "disappeared/dropped out" to make space for the transferring juniors?
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Post by vp4 on Nov 19, 2012 10:09:34 GMT -5
My son is home for Thanksgiving. He was proud of his performance so far in school and 3.95 GPA. I am proud too and told him so. Then I left him alone without any discussion about anything. I even bought him a video game to enjoy this week before he returns to school. I feel silly doing so since this whole thread started about boys being adrift. He isn't very talkative, especially with me. Lots of time spent on his favorite things still but I am leaving him alone. Waiting for report card from school this week to get feedback from teachers beyond grades.
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Post by michellea on Nov 19, 2012 10:56:01 GMT -5
vp4 - hope all goes well during the break and holiday. I hope in time he begins to open up a bit. Take care.
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Post by vp4 on Jan 4, 2013 10:44:03 GMT -5
Things are getting progressively worse. He has spent 17 days so far on winter break, doing nothing but watching youtube and watching Iron Man movie on his laptop every single day. I left him alone most of the time. A couple of days ago I tried to talk to him about summer plans including sending him to Brown University Summer program for high school students interested in Engineering. He said “no, I won’t go.” I said perhaps he can take Algebra 2 in Summer to get a jump into Pre-Calculus next academic year. Answer again “no.” I asked what does he want to do then. No answer. He is pissing me off with unmotivated and disrespectful attitude. Sometimes, he walks the other way when he sees me. I told him I find his attitude disrespectful and left it there. Internally I am very upset with his behavior. I know the problem clearly is that he sees one parent who buys him whatever he wants, lets him do nothing productive. And he sees me constantly thinking about how to set him up with a good education for a good future. He is going farther away from me. I am beginning to wonder if sacrificing everything is worth it. At some point I have to start thinking of my retirement and how to pay for it, and not just pay for private school education.
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Post by dihicks6 on Jan 4, 2013 14:18:41 GMT -5
"Since I am not around him daily, he doesn't see a helicopter parent. He in fact said the best thing about boarding school is that I am not around asking if he ate dinner, if he finished homework, etc. "
Oh, there is no doubt that he knows how you operate. I've always been upfront with you and you will need to back off. Take it from those of us that have been there. What is the worst thing that will happen? If he starts failing, the school will let you know. You are a big micromanager, LOL! Also, you are in some sort of bizarre contest with your wife as to what is the best way to handle this and no one is winning. Even if your wife won't go, go see someone. None of this will change until your behavior changes, not your son's, your wife's..... You need an outside ally that can help you work through this situation because it's not good for you either to be constantly obsessed with how your son is doing, what will he do this summer, why is he not getting an A in science, etc. We are your friends here, but from one friend to another -- get an outside opinion, even if you have to go by yourself. Keep us posted!
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Post by healthy11 on Jan 4, 2013 15:10:53 GMT -5
vp4, Believe me, I know how frustrating it is to have a son who seems to "live in the moment," and shows disdain for efforts to help him think about and make plans for his future. When our son was in his teens, which is when his attitude was also the worst, my husband and I and our son did see a family counselor, and it helped to have an outsider to speak with. I concur with dihicks6 that the ongoing situation doesn't sound like it's comfortable for anyone in your household, and continuing with the same approach isn't likely to change things; talking to an unbiased family therapist could be helpful, even if you go alone.
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Post by vp4 on Jan 4, 2013 16:42:12 GMT -5
Hi di, good to hear from you. I didn't know that I am a micromanager. I certainly am not at work. I let the people who report to me do their work and produce without undue interference. I can assure you I and his mom aren't in any bizarre contest. I don't think about what she is doing as much as what I need to do to get him on the right track for future success. Perhaps my expectations are very high. I see potential and I want to help him become a success in life. I shall find a therapist to talk with and find out what this micromanager is doing wrong. ;D
Perhaps the therapist would tell me that I am neurotic helicopter parent. ;D ;D
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Post by michellea on Jan 5, 2013 15:28:38 GMT -5
vp4- I think your son is telling you that he needs some space. In contrast, I think I hear that you are feeling that he needs to be more productive. Somehow, the two of you need to bridge the gap so that you both can hear and consider one another's perspective. I would let this go for some time - he is feeling pushed by you and probably needs some time (months) to calm down. While summer activities/ motivation/ attitude is a subject that must be addressed, I hope that you are able to discuss the subject with an independent third party and in concert with the entire family. Right now, there seems a barrier between you and your son that may need some help and some time to break through. I get the feeling that when you offer your son academic opportunities, he shuts down and he may feel like you are "pushing" and "expecting" too much. Your interest in grades, what he is studying, where he might go to college feels like pressure to him. You tell us in your postings that you just want him to be somewhat productive and engage in activities beyond youtube. But your actions seem like you want more than productivity - you want him to be building his resume for college - particularly his academic resume. I think the tone needs to shift so that your son will open his ears and hear you. Maybe the starting point for future conversations might be more about what kinds of activities of interest he might line up for the summer - rather than specific ideas about classes and resume. (AND keep in mind, colleges look for kids that have a passion and a developed interest. In the long run, non academic activities may pay off more than class work and college enrichment programs. It is an opportunity to develop life skills such as leadership, team work, organization plus it paints a picture of a "complete" person. It did for my daughter.) For instance, we required that our kids be involved in something structured during the summer - a job, a club, a sport, a camp, volunteer activity etc. They knew that sleeping until 11:00 and then vegging in front of the tv is not an option (maybe on an occasional basis, but not every day!). My daughter joined a club lacrosse team her freshman, sophomore and junior years that had tournaments throughout the summer, league games once a week, and practice 3x week. She coached at the clubs camp for 3 weeks. This still gave her plenty of "down time", but it also gave her some structure. My son volunteers with the Appalachian Mountain club for two weeks, goes on a mission trip with our church and does a running program 3x week for 5 weeks and belongs to a golf league. These activities accomplish our goal (requirement) that they are productive - but they are also enrichment activities that nurture THEIR interests. Life is about balance - and by engaging in activities of interest, they learn about being a balanced and healthy person. I think that what makes it work is that they came up with ideas, I schedule, complete the health forms and write the check! (I also do a fair amount of driving!!) On one hand I hear you say that you see "potential" and you want to help him be a success. On the other hand, you say you just want to make sure he isn't doing nothing. If the issues is really that you don't want him to be doing nothing, you may be more successful if you communicate the simple expectation that this summer, you expect him to get involved in something of interest that gives some schedule and structure to his days. Then, hand it off to him to come up with some ideas. If he gets stuck - seed some ideas (but be very careful of giving purely academic ideas - let's face it, algebra II is not a lot of fun - even for someone that enjoys math). APOGE adventure camps, Community Service www.teenlife.com/pages/volunteer/, Golf/swim/tennis team, art lessons, babysitting job, Day Camp counselor in training, town recreational program counselor etc One last thought - experts comment that our kids are being pushed so much that they do not have a sense of self. They often do not know why they are doing things - or do things to please their parents, authority and others. Yet, when you ask them what they want to do with their lives, what makes them satisfied and happy, what excites them, they cannot answer. According to the experts - this is an outcome of the structure, privilege and adult directed activities that they have been afforded. Maybe it is time that your son begin to learn about what makes him happy, what he is passionate about, what interests him. The summer is a perfect time for this.
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