What are reasonable expectations for 18+ at home?

[healthy11]

For parents who have Young Adults (age 18+) residing in their family home (whether back from college for the summer, or because they can't afford a place of their own) I'd like to know what guidelines, if any, you establish for them. I realize that it's virtually impossible to "make" a young adult do something, but what do you consider "reasonable" in the way of expectations?

Do you have them contribute to rent/food/car expenses? (if so, how much?)

Do they have household responsibilities, above and beyond taking care of their own personal needs? (ie, they may do their own laundry, but do they have any additional tasks, like taking out the garbage, yard care, shopping or cooking meals for the rest of the family occasionally?)

Do you expect them to keep "reasonable" hours and let you know their whereabouts? (ie, come home by 1 a.m. on weeknights when others have to get up early for work, and name a friend or place they'll be hanging out with. If they plan to stay out all night, do you ask that they call or text you?)

If they want to entertain friends in your home, do you request that they give you advance notice? (Basically, "ask permission?")

My husband and I are having major disagreements about topics like these, and I have a feeling we're not the only ones. I'm curious about how other parents similar handle "young adult" issues...

[momfromma]

We have relatively few expectations during vacations. Basically the same he had when he was living at home last year: help with daily tasks like cleaning the table, feeling and emptying the dishwasher, helping with the laundry, taking out the garbage when asked. We do not have fixed roles at home, so he does not have any specific role, just helping out on a regular basis. This is not a motel, so he can help.

He is not paying for any daily expenses like food or rent, as he does not yet have a revenue, but he has to pay for his leisure, if he wants to see a movie, go to a restaurant with friends, or buy something for his exclusive utility. If he had a more regular revenue, I may ask for more, but it is fairly low and we do not give him an allowance.

My husband and I have also disagreements on these issues, partly because he did not see the boys grow.

[jill921]

We have this exact problem going on. Out newly minted 18 year old has just done with school - so now what? He wants the freedom of being an 'adult' (ha, ha) but wants the perks of being at home too. Right now actually he is not doing very well. Partying too much - 'I deserve a break' is his mantra. I partly agree with him - he worked his butt off to graduate from HS but, of course, he's going overboard with it. I'm having to remind him he's not living in a motel with laundry service. It's a dilemma. He has not secured a summer job so has no means to move out by himself. We are in 'dilemma mode' with him.

[sisdparent]

We're feeling our way along on this one.....like most parents. There's alot of factors. Is it a temp thing? How are our finances? Are they creating significant "extra" work for Mom and Dad? History of risky behavior, problems? At our house, the child who's "home for the summer" is doing better than the "new grad"

We insist on basic courtesies.

Everyone helps out. I'm not a clean freak, so maintaining habitability works for me. Expect to help out with grocery shopping, errands and delivering sibs around town. Who ever gets home first starts dinner... whoever gets home last loads the dishwasher. Sucking up will result in nice rewards (ask the kid who mowed the yard and pulled weeds without being asked yesterday).

Guests that are friends aren't a big deal; let me know if they are coming, if they'll be having dinner and be courteous about the hours, noise level and activities... the old folks have to get their beauty sleep or you live with the cranky Mom the next day. We haven't worked out that "guests who are more than friends" thing yet...... but making out in front of your parents or sibs and hanging out in bedrooms isn't a good idea.

Since both of them have a summer school class at 7am, I have "highly recommended" they be home at a reasonable hour on weeknights and provide a "direction and who they're with", especially if they are driving. I'm fortunate that my girls are somewhat sensible and I haven't had to forbid them from going to Juarez.... they realized it wasn't a good idea before the current violence began. I've heard a couple of parents are having that problem.

It's such a tough time because you really are working on defining your adult relationship and boundaries with your kids.... It's always a journey.

[cobyseven]

healthy,

I think you are asking this question because you only have one son. Since I have two daughters, I can tell you that this answer would 'depend upon the child.'

Neither of my dd's abuse, but my expectations for them are different. I know my oldest works her tail off and leads a good lifestyle. She is SOOOO not a slacker, that when she comes home, I feel like she needs me to just 'mama' her some, let her have her way, and continue to know that she will, for the most part, make the right decisions.

My youngest....we'll see. She has little initiation. However, I have found that instead of beating her up to 'do this' and 'do that', we have much more success if I ask her to plan these things out ahead of time. Recently, she had to study for finals. Rather than have me b******* at her every moment about studying, I asked her to prepare a schedule for what she thought was a reasonable study period.

I must say, it worked great. She almost started to vary, but because SHE had picked the hours, she thought again.

That's my suggestion for you. Settle this with your son up front. Tell him you expect him to live up to HIS commitments. As long as he does, back off. It's home, it's a 'safe' place, but you can't make yourself miserable to appease your adult child.

Hope I'm making sense. Get his commitment and then back off until you see he isn't living up to it. THEN you have a reason and HE will know what that is.

[healthy11]

Coby, what you've mentioned is only part of the dilemma. My son feels he's meeting his commitments, but that's because he doesn't make many that benefit anyone other than himself. He's getting to his part-time job on time, but little else. His community college class starts next week, so maybe he'll do a bit more, but right now, I'm at "wit's end." If he lived on his own, it wouldn't bother me as much, but when under our roof, it seems like we have a right to have him meet reasonable expectations.

I'm a light sleeper. I do not appreciate someone wandering in at 4 a.m., even though he said, as he left at 7 p.m. a few nights ago, "I'm going to Dana's and might be home late." (No last name; no clue how he knows this person or where they live.) For common courtesy and for safety, I feel he should give us more info, and come home at a more reasonable hour. My husband says, "He's 18; you worry about way too much."

One agreement our son had was that one night a week he would be responsible for making dinner for the family. (If he wants to live in an apartment next year, not a dorm, we'd like to know he can cook more than just frozen pizzas.) Yesterday, he said he'd do it. Mid-afternoon, I asked if he knew what he'd be preparing, because something might need thawing from the freezer, or a trip to the grocery store. He grumbled, grabbed the car keys, but then started calling, "Do we already have taco shells? Salsa? Lettuce?..." He could've checked before wasting gas. Anyway, he comes home with some girl I've never met, and bratwurst. He says he's a "grill guy" and the girl is telling him he needs to soak them in beer.
He tells her, "I can do that...Joe Blow gave me a case of beer to take home from college because his car didn't have a trunk, and it's illegal to transport in the passenger compartment." (Nevermind the fact it's illegal for anyone under 21 to have in the first place....) This girl stays for dinner, then he drives her home. (She mentioned having just graduated from high school, but her parents said, "No B's, no keys" so she has no license. She said she's planning to go to the local community college in fall, and hopefully become a teacher, because she likes kids but doesn't have good enough grades to go anywhere else!)

Not more than 1/2 hour later, after I suggested my son start a load of laundry, since I'm sick of seeing dirty clothes on the floor of the living room, family room, bathroom, etc. the doorbell rings, and two other friends come over unannounced. (These are nice kids I know, from his former high school, but I'd still appreciate advance notice.) They're snacking in the family room, and I remind my son to move his washed items to the dryer, because I have another load of laundry to start. He says, "They're okay where they are. They won't mildew overnight." (Again, he's meeting HIS expectations, but doesn't seem considerate of mine. In order to get my laundry done, I remove them from the washing machine, and discover he didn't empty his pockets, and the car fob got soaked. Fortunately, after changing the battery, it resumes working, so my husband is no longer upset...)

On one hand, I remember the days when my son had virtually no friends, and he really didn't develop any until sophomore year of high school, but it's as if he's wanting us to treat him as an adult, while he "lives a life of leisure and self-satisfaction" without much responsibility. That's why I wondered what other families consider reasonable when dealing with these "pseudo-adults."

[greenie]

I am not sure if I should weigh in or not because it seems like my kids can't wait to leave and never come back...seriously, we have rules. Our kids, and we have 5, all learned to do their own laundry by this time and hang it on the line. If our kids need to come home, they have to clean the bathroom they use, pay their own car insurance, gas.. be courteous ... ie calling when it's really late at night, past midnight and let me know when they will be home...or if at all. show respect to us, but no one needs to pay rent. They can eat here too anytime. What does your husband think, Healthy? You guys disagree?

[greenie]

Oh yea, my husband thinks if you make it too easy on them, they will never leave. I am a pretty passive mommy and have never demanded that much from my kids, but they all run out of here at 18, sometimes 17 as in the case of my two steps. Wow.

[jill921]

Jun 3, 2009 13:58:47 GMT -5 healthy11 said:

I'm a light sleeper. I do not appreciate someone wandering in at 4 a.m., even though he said, as he left at 7 p.m. a few nights ago, "I'm going to Dana's and might be home late." (No last name; no clue how he knows this person or where they live.) For common courtesy and for safety, I feel he should give us more info, and come home at a more reasonable hour. My husband says, "He's 18; you worry about way too much."e

You could be describing my son. Except, he does not have a full license yet (he is in drivers ed right now) so instead of him walking in at 4 a.m. I get a phone call 'Can you pick me up. I got kicked out of Joe Blows'. I, like a fool, pick him up because else I would worry myself sick where he is. The other night he phoned and made it sound as though he'd been beaten up or something 'Mom, can you come I'm (excuse my french) f'd up'. I made hubby come with me because I didn't know what I was going to find. It turned out 'f'd up' meant drunk! I nearly killed him on the spot. Like your son mine thinks he is filling his commitments (to himself). I'm so done with it.

[healthy11]

On the "plus side," although my son slept past noon today (he came home "early" last night, by 1 a.m.) he has managed to get the grass mowed. We pay him for that, so I think that's his incentive. The unfamiliar girl who joined us for dinner last night also stopped by already. (My son mentioned she lives in our neighborhood, so she can easily walk over, since she doesn't drive. Oh joy.) I know he's scheduled to work at the movie theater later, so at least we'll know where he is this evening.

Greenie, in our household, I'm the one who wants rules, and my husband is the one who is more passive on the matter. He admits our son is nothing like either one of us was, growing up, because he lacks motivation, but my husband doesn't seem too concerned about our son being so comfortable that he'll never leave. (I'm not so sure. Remember, this is the kid who came home virtually every weekend from college.) Just yesterday, my husband muttered "Are you sure he's not a girl? Guys are supposed to feel a sense of achievement by accomplishing things, but he's got a bunch of haircare and other products lining the sink, he spends hours in the shower, and he loves talking to his friends..."

[shawbridge]

My kids will want to be on their own and will leave. My son is completing a gap year while living at home. Until late February, when he had recovered from his surgery, he was typically exhausted -- and working most every day on a) studying for SATs; b) college applications; or c) writing his novel. So, we didn't ask him to do much. Post surgery, he has a lot more energy and is working reasonably hard but is also getting together now with friends back from college.

We ask the kids to tell us if someone is coming over but welcome visitors. We want our house to be the house of choice.

Occasionally, we ask him to cook. He puts dishes in the dishwasher or sets table if we remember to ask, but not if we don't. In fact, he'll do anything cheerily if we ask, but typically nothing else. It is about focus: he decided to be successful at school, Moot Court, SATs, and a very limited set of other things. Given his LD, these took a lot of energy, and so he wouldn't allocate energy to anything else unless he had to. Nothing else is in his universe. We visited Amherst today and on the way back, he said, "I'm going to need a laundry basket." I doubt he'll do laundry in college unless the pants stand up by themselves, but progress in recognizing that the floor of his double cannot become an archeological dig.

I won't push anything now. We'll see how things evolve over time.

[jill921]

Jun 3, 2009 15:47:14 GMT -5 healthy11 said:

On the "plus side," although my son slept past noon today (he came home "early" last night, by 1 a.m.) he has managed to get the grass mowed. We pay him for that, so I think that's his incentive. The unfamiliar girl who joined us for dinner last night also stopped by already. (My son mentioned she lives in our neighborhood, so she can easily walk over, since she doesn't drive. Oh joy.) I know he's scheduled to work at the movie theater later, so at least we'll know where he is this evening.

Greenie, in our household, I'm the one who wants rules, and my husband is the one who is more passive on the matter. He admits our son is nothing like either one of us was, growing up, because he lacks motivation, but my husband doesn't seem too concerned about our son being so comfortable that he'll never leave. (I'm not so sure. Remember, this is the kid who came home virtually every weekend from college.) Just yesterday, my husband muttered "Are you sure he's not a girl? Guys are supposed to feel a sense of achievement by accomplishing things, but he's got a bunch of haircare and other products lining the sink, he spends hours in the shower, and he loves talking to his friends..."

LOL - okay, this is getting a bit 'twilight zone'. My son also has all the haircare products and is endlessly on the phone to friends. Maybe they both drank the same baby formula - LOL. I have to laugh about this periodically or I'll end up diving off a bridge.

We are already having conflict about 'What's the plan for tonight'. He has his drivers ed right now but he's already told me he has to go back to his friends because he's left his iPod there. That, of course, is just his excuse to get there and then not come back for the evening. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr! I've told him I can make life very uncomfortable for him and his friends if I decide there's too much bs going on. He takes that to mean I will report to the Police. I'm hoping that will make him stop and think. He would hate it if I got his 'so called' friends investigated. Yep, one point for Mom there.

[healthy11]

Jill, while I know my son isn't "naive" when it comes to drinking (being randomly paired with a Senior in his college dorm made access to alcohol easier than I'd have liked) he doesn't seem to engage in its use, or in other substance use, on any regular basis. Sometimes I think that's actually why we have a steady stream of visitors at our home, because they know I'm around, so there's supervision, no "peer pressure," plus healthy snacks. (I routinely put out fresh fruits along with typical snack food, and they finish everything.) I just feel like "advance notice" would be a reasonable expectation, but I seldom get it.

Shawbridge, I love your comment about your son's progress "in recognizing that the floor of his double cannot become an archeological dig!" Unfortunately, my son hasn't reached that stage of development. What I mean is, he can't even confine his dirty piles of clothes to his own room, which is why I'm finding them scattered about our house! He doesn't mind doing laundry, he just doesn't see the need until he's looking for a particular shirt or pants and realizes they're "lost."

[cobyseven]

OK, I've got the picture now. I think he's a bit behind my dds. It's different here....I'm a single mom. Forgive me for saying so, but it sounds like a mixed message from you & hubby.

Some of what you describe I would not like at all....the 4 a.m. thing wouldn't bother me if dd called to tell me. But, to tell you the truth, I haven't waited up for her since she went to college. She doesn't visit home much though.....Not because she doesn't want to necessarily, but because she takes athletic department paid classes in the summer and will probably graduate early because she does so.

What do you say to him when he is careless with you (e.g. the laundry incident?) I haven't run across that since my dd was 16, so I'm thinking your son just needs more time. On the other hand, I think this boils down to communicating to him your boundaries and then following through.

I would probably give my dds that first time with the laundry and then tell them that the next time it is at their own risk. If they choose to leave the clothes that way, I might choose to bag them up in little balls so they have to start all over. And, I would actually do it! LOL

As for the dirty clothes all over? No problem. I tell them just don't expect that to find them where you left them because I know many charities who would be happy to distribute those clothes. Then I would do it if I had to do it. Usually, because I only have to do it once. One round of missing clothes is little to pay next to being a candidate for shrew-taming (which I HATE being forced to be. It insults me)

It's about mutual respect, isn't it? Kids have to learn to make them good roommates and friends. I wouldn't think twice about teaching that. Mom's a person too. My boundaries are few but firm. They have their own, too.

If I thought my kid was drinking every night, I would draw the line. Would I think much about a college kid with a case of beer? Probably not unless it was overboard. (To think he's not doing this at school is probably naive) The boundary for me would be the 'how much is it impacting college/life in general?' If he's wasting money spent for college because of it, my foot would be down hard.

It's so hard to say since I don't have boys because I'm quite sure I would kill my nephew in few short weeks. However, I would give him the opportunity to clearly understand my limits first...LOL

[jisp]

This is definitely something that varies by child and also by what the child needs and can handle. My son who just turned 18 is still trying to "survive" life. His job is to get better mentally and physically and to work towards his goal of attending college. We expect him to do small chores (such as today I had him bring back the recycle bin) or to go fetch supplies from the basement. He is generally expected to clean up after himself if he eats any food during the day (so dishes in the sink and ingredients used put away). And he is expected to collect his clean laundry from the clean laundry bin and take it to his room (where I believe it is left unfolded and piled on the floor of his closet).

Now my daughter is 21. We laid out some pretty clear ground rules for her. Any social gatherings at our house which involve more than one person need to be pre-approved. No friends over late at night. When she is going out she must tell us when she expects to be back and she absolutely must be as quiet as possible. She knows that we would like her to get a job so she can earn some money this summer and she is currently looking for a job. She also has some health issues and that right now is her highest priority. We are paying for her to take Calculus this summer, as she is pre-med and wants to get this out of the way, and we expect her take the work for that course seriously. And because of that we have given her a small stipend. But out of that stipend she must pay for gas for the car she drives to and from the course and any other purchases she needs for the summer. And when she is around we fully expect her to help with dinner set up and clean up.

Healthy we have had a problems in this area in the past with our daughter and working the kinks out has taken some tears and some hard talks and some moments where we felt taken advantage of and where she felt put upon by us. I think the one thing that you definitely need to do is not smolder resentment but be open and talk about how your son's actions impact you and then listen to what he has to say about it. IE: I need you to not let things sit in the washing machine because I need it for my own chores. When you leave stuff in the machine it makes extra work for me and I don't have time or energy for extra work. Or: When you come home late you wake me up and that disturbs my sleep and then I am cranky and dysfunctional the next day. I need you to take my need for sleep into consideration in your plans. Then LISTEN....he might come up with his own solutions

[healthy11]

I appreciate everyone's inputs and perspectives; it seems like we're all struggling with different approaches to these "young adults still living at home" problems!

Coby, you're right about "mixed messages." My husband and I agree that when material items are damaged through carelessness (ie, my son "laundered" a cell phone a few years ago, and now the car fob) that our son will have to pay for a replacement if they don't work, but we disagree on many of the "intangible" issues. (Like whether our son needs to be home by a particular time, or tell us who he's with.)

Jisp, the laundry issue is "new," but I have tried to discuss my son's "late night arrivals" and my need for sleep, and I find that my son "parrots" my husband's views...."WHY can't you sleep? I'm not keeping you awake. You worry too much." (They see no reason to change what they're doing, because it's my problem. Empathy is not one of my son's strong points.)

[cobyseven]

Yep, healthy, I'm thinking that the mixed messages are your biggest issue. I'm not sure I would 'consult' your husband about the infringements on your own time. I would just do something about it after telling your son what you are going to do next time. Then do it!

Of course, that's easy for me to say; I don't have a spouse.

[healthy11]

Coby, you're right, it's easier said than done.

Since these issues seem to be a concern for quite a few families, I can only encourage anyone else with older teens/young adults who care to contribute to this discussion thread to share their thoughts, too. At least we know we're not the only ones trying to define reasonable expectations!

[majorv]

My 19 yo is home for the summer. She has always been pretty responsible so we allow her freedom to come and go as she pleases...within reason. Initially, she was kind of bad about coming in during the wee hours of the morning. I didn't want to set our security alarm if she wasn't home because the warning sound would go off when she came in, and it would wake me up. On the other hand, I didn't like going to bed without turning it on. I finally had a talk with her and she's been better about coming in at a decent time. I also ask that she check in with us every so often. If she doesn't call me she knows I will call her.

My 17 yo is still pretty immature for his age so we have more controls on him. He is similar to your son, healthy - he thinks of himself first and how it might affect us second. He lost the use of his car the last two weeks of school so we aren't having any issues with him right now.

However, both of my teenagers are slobs. Most of it is in their own bedroom but it occasionally spills over into other areas of the house. I get really tired of finding dishes and glasses in their room!

[empeg1]

I have a very clear view on the question you posed. 18 yr olds are adults. Yes, I know they have a while to grow into that role. However, we do not do them a favor be treating them as children, as doing so does not help them grow into adulthood. Our jobs as parents of young adults change. Our roles are more subtle but still the end game is helping our young adult children grow into adults, in ways we can.

With the above in mind, here are my expectations for an 18+ year old. At 18, a parent's legal responsiblity to house and feed a son or daughter is over. The young adult resides in his childhood home at the good graces of his parents. With an 18+ year old son, all of you in your home, Healthy, are adults. Remember, this home is your house, owned by your husband and you.

1) Adults treat each other with respect, hence everyone in the house extends this courtesy to all other members of the household. The above means that your young adult must take into consideration your needs as well as his. If his late arrivals are preventing you from sleeping then the three of you can sit down to discuss this matter. For me, I would not put a curfew on a young adult, but I would ask for a courtesy phone call that would help meet my needs..... as in a phone call to let me know about when he will be in. Simple courtesy... I would also expect that young adult to come in very quietly.... and go directly to their room so as not to disturb others who are sleeping.
2) Adults living in a house all contribute to the house. So, yes, your son contributes to the running of the house. And, Healthy, you do not do his laundy. This means that you spell out what you expect and you tell your son that the above is a condition for him living in your home as an adult.
3). If your son is working, you can decide if you want him to contribute to rent and food. I would opt for helping out with running the house and tell you son that he will pay for all non-school expenses next year at college.
4. Yes, you cannot make a young adult do anything. The point is for your husband and you to sit down and talk. Determine together what you will do and not do. Then talk to your son, make clear to him that he lives at YOUR home at your good graces because he is an adult. Then lay out what you expect.
5. Friends... again decide what it is that you will do. This is the first and most important step. Then communicate the above to your son. For me, if his friends drop by I want to know at least before they hit my door. Remember this is your home now. I have no big deal with friends, but I do not expect to cook for them nor provide food. These young adults can go out and buy their own snacks and munchies and clean up after themselves too. Again, the above is a matter of respect to your husband and you.
6. I would not want friends to show up late at night, especially if I have gone to sleep. This is taking the needs of others in the house into consideration. Remember the relationship between a parent and child is one in which parents considers the needs of the child over their own. Once that "child" is an adult that formula should change.... all are adults and are on equal footing and all should consider the needs of all household members.
7. Your son washes his own dishes when he snacks. He does not leave his stuff in the main part of the house. I know if I have to act as a maid, I charge for my time. lol Seriously, again, the issue is respect.
Good luck, I navigated these waters with my oldest dd. We actually sat down and wrote a contract together. I know it sounds weird, but it worked!!!!!

[michellea]

Love your list empeg. I will file it away to be used in 3 years when I'm sure we'll have similar struggles.

One idea about contributing to food and rent. One family I know charged a nominal amount each week, invested it and when the time came, used the money for the child's wedding. (of course this is back when we made money on our investments! Today, you might want to hide it under the matress) Obviously if a wedding isn't on the radar screen, down payment for a first home or apartment, car, graduate school etc might be other options.

[healthy11]

Empeg, your list will be helpful for many parents, I'm sure. While I really did intend for this thread to be "general" in nature, and not just specific to my situation, I guess I may not have been clear with regards to my son... I don't do his laundry, he does. Problem is, he started a load, and left it sitting in the washer when I wanted to use the machine to do my laundry. I guess I could "charge" him to move it to the dryer, since he was too lazy to do it himself. Same thing when I have to pick up dirty dishes and clothes left around the house (a per item "handling fee?") My son already has been paying for all of his non-school expenses, both at college, and his socializing when at home, with the exception of food, such as the snacking issue when friends come over. If I'm cooking dinner for my husband and I, naturally I prepare enough for our son, too. I suppose I could charge our son for that as well, but in the overall scheme of things, it's not the money I spend on the food that bothers me, it's that my house isn't my own, when unannounced people stop by. (We have a single-story home, so there isn't an upstairs to "escape to.")

The more I think about it, the more I realize that the fact my husband and I don't agree on the "intangible" issues is really the biggest problem we face. My husband leaves for work around 6 a.m., returns home around 6:30 p.m, and usually "overlaps" with our son for an hour or so at most, at the dinner table, before our son heads out. He is a sound sleeper, and not concerned about when our son comes home at the wee hours. Again, remembering the days when our son had few friends, we don't want to discourage his companionships, but I want more information when guests are coming, and who the visitors are in my house, or where our son will be and when he expects to come home, whereas my husband could care less. Maybe that's another difference between guys and girls, since he refers to my having a "worry gene." I guess most mothers do....

[Mayleng]

Healthy, I would have taken out the laundry and left it in the basket. I would not have put it in the dryer for him. LOL!

I don't think you are being unreasonable in asking for more information on visitors, afterall, its YOUR home and the courtesy of coming in at a decent hour or at least be considerate and be quiet. As for knowing where he is etc. I don't think you are going to win that battle and we will always worry no matter how old they are. But common courtesy and respect should be extended to you since he is living in YOUR house.

[michellea]

Healthy - about the wet laundry - I remember in college this was always a big issue. Kids would leave their wet clothes in the washer or dryer and everyone else would have to wait. In our dorm we had a policy. If the clothes were not removed immediatly, the person wanting the machine could remove them and leave them in a pile. Kids could leave a laundry basket by the machine if they wanted the clothes deposited in a basket.

The offenders grumbled. But, hogging the washer and dryers for everyone else just didn't fly!

BTW - I agree that it is hard to navigate these situations when your spouse has a different perspective. Perhaps if you could list your biggest intangilbles and give concrete examples of what they are, when they happen and the negative impact, you can decide as a family how to deal with them. Seems you should have veto power on any issue that you and you alone deal with - ie laundry.

I hope you can come up with a solution soon. Otherwise, it will be a long summer. (I have an extra bedroom - for you - not ds!)

[healthy11]

"(I have an extra bedroom - for you - not ds!) " Thanks, Michellea!
(Carrying over from previous discussions, perhaps if I came to visit again, I could even stand watch over your gardens with an airsoft gun, so the deer don't feast on your flowers!)

On a positive note, at least I have to give my son credit for not being wasteful...Even though he came home somewhere around 3 a.m. again, this time he brought a huge tray of Chinese food for us.....He said they had a team meeting at work, and nobody else wanted the leftovers. My son has a few redeeming qualities, they just don't show up as often as I'd like....

[michellea]

And, sometimes the redeeming qualities show up in the middle of the night!

[Mayleng]

Jun 4, 2009 17:53:36 GMT -5 michellea said:

And, sometimes the redeeming qualities show up in the middle of the night!

[healthy11]

Well, at least this evening he did warn us he would be in late (or should I say early tomorrow morning?) He was scheduled to work until midnight anyway. Apparently many new films are released on Fridays, so his theater sponsors "New Movie Premier Showings" at 12:01 a.m. One of the "perks" of his minimum-wage job is free admission for himself and a friend to any and all shows, so he plans to take advantage of it...

[vickilyn32]

We are going thru this with my just graduated 19 year old DS. He says, you expect me to go to college 8 hours a day and work? He just dosent get it that he can work for the summer and save some money. "But its summer and I want to see my friends before we all go to diffrent schools." Yea, well your friends are working, you can too. If he would at least do some extra work around the house I would be happy, but he started so well before school ended, cleaning the garage, fixing some things that needed to be fixed, etc. Now he wont do anything. Even his 16 year old sister is looking for work. I would even be happy if he was only earning a few bucks mowing lawns or something. Anything except sitting around the house waisting time.

[jill921]

My guy (to our amazement) actually managed to get himself an interview for a job yesterday. They said they only had one problem - they thought he looked 'trashy'. Told him he could come back a bit more put together and he's in. I told him - 'Okay, there's a lesson here blah, blah, blah..' he replied 'I know, I know'. So today I say - get smartened up and go back to the job. They will remember you from yesterday and will be pleased you listened to them. Has he - despite saying he would his girlfriend showed up and so now, of course, he's hanging out with her. I could explode.