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Post by sharie001 on Jun 9, 2009 21:36:40 GMT -5
It would somewhat depend on the circumstances and the individual child. Like if the child works and goes to school, I think they deserve more slack than one who is just working. One that is just working should contribute some financially (even if you don't use the money they give you and put it in a savings account for their use later, like to buy a house, etc.).
My general rules are:
1. You break it you fix it 2. You mess it up you clean it up 3. You want it you pay for it 4. If your hungry you cook it and clean up mess when finished or if I have something cooked you are welcome to help yourself (I usually fix a lot of food when I cook) 5. If you want to bring friends over it's your job to make sure the house is clean first and that you have enough for everyone to eat. 6. Don't ask me for any favors unless you've done what I asked you to do first 7. If you borrow something return it in the same or better condition 8. If you live here then you have to contribute to household chores and projects/improvements, etc., not nessessarily the same ones all the time it should rotate between household members (trash one week, cutting grass the next, etc.)
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Post by SharonF on Jun 10, 2009 8:35:24 GMT -5
healthy--
It's apparently not limited to LD/ADHD kids nor to this generation.
My older brother was valedictorian, very intelligent, and a dutiful eldest child. My brothers and I were raised in a home where my father rigidly enforced rules that the children took responsibility, did not come home late, did not leave anything lying around, and showed respect at all times.
I recently talked with my wonderful mother about the challenges of my young adult son coming home for the summer after his first year of college. My mother recalled the challenges she and my dad faced when my older brother completed his first year of college and came home for the summer.
She said, without question, that first summer was the toughest. My brother was trying to prove that he was independent and no longer a child. My father struggled, just like we are struggling, with the right balance between freedom and responsibility. My father, being a neat-freak and a control-freak, couldn't cope when my older brother acted like a slob and didn't give in to every one of my father's demands, reasonable or not.
It also didn't help that this was in the 1970's and my brother enjoyed occasionally smoking pot. His pot-smoking phase didn't last long, but it did increase the tension with my parents. My mom's recollections were interesting--as I was busy with my own teenaged life at the time and didn't realize all that was going on with my parents and brother during those years.
My mom told me that each year, things got better. Each year, my older brother matured and showed more responsibility without being asked. My father gradually learned to release his "death grip" on trying to control my brother and his behavior. It just took time, patience and flexibility. It also required everyone involved to decide what is really worth fighting over and what is not.
My older brother graduated with a BA with Honors in just 3 years, then got his Masters. He is married, has two teenaged children of his own, and is a happy, well-adjusted, well-rounded adult. He still is a bit of a slob, at least compared with my "white glove test" father. But that's okay. My dad is a little too OCD about keeping everything orderly and clean.
I think it's hardest for parents when dealing with the oldest or only child. There is no road map for us. There is no way to know if that's a light at the end of the tunnel or an on-coming train.
Decide what's most important, communicate that, and let the rest go.
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Post by cobyseven on Jun 10, 2009 9:04:16 GMT -5
Good advice from everyone.
To put things in perspective, my older brother was kicked out of his college at the end of his first year for burning down his dorm room using faulty marijuana grow lights. Thirty some odd years later, this same university still uses him as an example of what NOT to do.
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Post by healthy11 on Jun 10, 2009 9:11:10 GMT -5
Decide what's most important, communicate that, and let the rest go. Words of wisdom, but any idea how parents who disagree can come to a concensus on what's most important, and then "enforce" those issues? Last night, (while our son was out of the house with a friend, of course) my husband and I ended up in heated debate, with the end result being that he said our "son is grounded" until a short written list of items is completed. (None of the items are that hard, it's just a matter of doing them.....like moving all of his dorm furnishings out of our family room, where they've been ever since he came home from college for the summer.) We wrote the list, and put it on his bedroom door, so he'd see it when he got home at 3 a.m. (He probably didn't read it in detail then, but he saw it.) Of course, my husband is not around when our son wakes up at noon. I'm always the one who has to "act as the policeman," and frankly, with me being a bit over 5 ft. tall, dealing with a kid over 6 ft., there isn't a lot that I can do except use my voice. I feel like I'm talking to a "brick wall." Coby, did your brother eventually graduate from another college, and is he a reasonably successful, independent adult now? How'd you find out his old college still uses him as an example of what not to do?
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Post by Mayleng on Jun 10, 2009 9:39:13 GMT -5
Good advice from everyone. To put things in perspective, my older brother was kicked out of his college at the end of his first year for burning down his dorm room using faulty marijuana grow lights. Thirty some odd years later, this same university still uses him as an example of what NOT to do. Holy moley! LOL! So what is your brother doing now? Probably very successful.
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Post by Mayleng on Jun 10, 2009 9:41:18 GMT -5
Healthy, although you are a bit over 5 ft (so am I), I will put my money on you that you can take your son. LOL!
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Post by cobyseven on Jun 10, 2009 10:44:47 GMT -5
In retrospect, using my brother as an example was not a good idea. Forget I mentioned it! I used it to let everyone know they probably have basically good kids who are not too far out of the norm. (My brother WAS out of the norm so it's a terrible analogy!)
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Post by SharonF on Jun 10, 2009 11:59:05 GMT -5
healthy--
What are the top three things you and your husband want from your son this summer? (Thinking about the "why" may also help you--because you may have to explain to your son why these issues are so important to the two of you.)
Now, come up with a list of about ten specific things you want your son to do.
1) Call you by midnight if he will be home after 1 am. 2) Move his personal belongings out of the Family Room by Saturday, June 13. 3) etc.
Try to find out why he's not doing those things now. Maybe he thinks he's all grown up now and doesn't have to tell his parents where he is, who he's with, or when he's coming home. Maybe he doesn't know what to do with all of his stuff that's piled in the Family Room.
Come up with a list of consequences. "Personal stuff that's still in the Family Room at midnight on Saturday will be given to charity. I will make a list. You will have to purchase--with your own money--any and all replacement items for next school year."
I know he doesn't want to TALK about any of this. If he's like my 19-year old ds, he just wants to sleep when he wants, eat when he wants and have fun the rest of the time. Yes he works--but there are tougher jobs than working as a lifeguard 39-hours a week. My son wants the perks of adulthood without any of the responsibilities. Probably your son does, too.
Having the list ready of "specific things we expect of you" will help keep your conversation short and on topic. Listen to his reasons why he's not doing those things. If he says, "I don't know," he probably does know but doesn't want to get into an argument.
Keep your emphasis on what is MOST important to you and your entire family's quality of life. Let go of the things that you can let go of. Or revisit those issues later.
My mom's words meant a lot. This is a tough summer for many parents. Your son (like so many others his age) wants to prove his independence and maturity. He's so desperate to prove it---that he's acting immaturely.
This too shall pass. Stand your ground on what really matters most. Politely tell him if and when he is being self-centered or obnoxious, but then change the subject or leave the room. Arguing with him is like banging your head against a brick wall!
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Post by sharie001 on Jun 10, 2009 14:48:20 GMT -5
What are the main issues you and hubbie are debating currently? Not trying to be nosey but sometimes knowing a little more info can help with coming up with ideas for a solution. Is it mainly chores, house rules/regs, or financial?
How about a compromise b/w you, hubbie, and child.
Each make a list of what you expect, want, don't want, etc. in order of priority. Put a limit on the list (maybe 10 items/things max). List your reasons for the item below each item. Then you all can sit down and review each others list alone, after giving each others items reasonable consideration then you can discuss it together, put the agreement in writing so there is no confussion later, and move on.
On the other hand you could always get one of those portable buildings from lowes or home depot and put a frig microwave/convection oven, electric burner (to cook stovetop stuff), a tv, and a futon, window A/C unit, and portable heater in it and set it up in the most remote corner of your yard and let the child call it home. If he doesn't want to pay an electric bill he can always build a solar powered generator (plans can be found online). He could also get one of those propane water heaters to bath, etc..
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Post by healthy11 on Jun 10, 2009 21:29:08 GMT -5
Sharie, where I live, in a suburb of Chicago, yards are smaller, and you can't even erect a 5 ft. by 5 ft. lawnmower storage shed without a permit! I might be able to put up a camping tent for a short time, until neighbors figured out it wasn't just for a weekend sleep-over. Knowing my lazy son, and our neighbors (they have elementary-aged girls) he'd either be arrested for indecent exposure if he used the yard as a bathroom, or if he kept coming in and out of my house, he'd drive me crazier by tracking in mud and letting bugs in, because he seldom remembers to close the sliding door!
I do think your idea and Sharon's about making lists of priorities and trying to have a family meeting to discuss these things would be helpful. I'm always making lists, and really hope I can convince my husband and our son to think about these concerns and do likewise.
Our son is self-centered, and as Sharon so aptly stated, "he just wants to sleep when he wants, eat when he wants, and have fun the rest of the time." Not to avoid answering your question, but what my husband and I seem to argue about the most when it comes to our son is "longer term goals." On a day-to-day basis, our son does the absolute minimum he can get away with, and I'm the one who inevitably has to be "the probation officer."
Here's an example of the past 24 hours: As I mentioned in reply #33, yesterday my husband and I made a list of things our son was supposed to do today, and it was taped to his bedroom door for when he got home in the wee hours of the morning. Our son woke around 10:30 to use the bathroom, but then went back to bed until noon. Then he got up, ate, took a shower, ate again, and went to his community college class from 1-4. Then he came home, ate again, and a girl came by, unannounced (he may have known she was coming, but I didn't.) Then he left for his job at the movie theater, and won't be back until 11:00 ish, at which point I know my husband will be in bed, and I'll be the one trying to figure out if our son did even the most critical item on today's list, which is to drop one of his community college classes, because today's the deadline to get a refund. (He signed up for a couple courses, but told my husband he really only wants to take one, since he wants to be available to work more hours on his job, because he needs the money. My husband says that's fine. I doubt our son really will work more, because I know the movie theater avoids scheduling kids for longer shifts. I bet he'll just spend more time being a couch potato, in front of electronics.)
I'm quite sure that nothing else on the list we gave our son today will have been done. He didn't mow the lawn, or move his belongings out of our family room, or do any laundry (picking his dirty clothes up off the bathroom floor and hallway were what we really wanted.) I even pointed out that he hadn't washed his movie theater uniform in a week, and he said, "If I don't care, why should you?" I said I didn't want him fired for unkempt appearance, and he said, "They don't care." I just don't know what else to say....
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Post by Mayleng on Jun 10, 2009 22:26:19 GMT -5
Healthy just on the few issues you mentioned, this is what I would do.
1) refund from the course he is not taking - if he did not inform the CC and missed the deadline, he either takes the course, if he chooses not to take the course, he refunds you the money.
2) laundry on the bathroom floor and hallway. Tell him if he does not pick them up by (give him a time), then you will be throwing them in the garbage (and you do it). And tell him if he leaves his clothes on the floor again, you will do the same thing.
3) his uniform - if he wants to smell and look umkempt, then let him be. He is the one who will pay the consequences when his friends tell him he smells or if he loses his job, that is a consequence that he faces. This is one point I would not fight over.
4) his stuff from college, I would do what Sharie suggest, tell him he cleans it up by a certain time/day or you will throw them out, and he is responsible for replacing them next semester.
You need to follow through, no empty threats.
The lesson learned is worth the price of throwing away his clothes and stuff.
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Post by healthy11 on Jun 10, 2009 23:07:37 GMT -5
I "hear" the words of what you're saying, but I'm a person who is always thinking, "but if this, then that..."
If he didn't drop the course in time, and stops attending, I concur he owes us the $. But he's already "in the hole" as far as $ he owes us from last month (ie, loan for the tux he rented, to escort a girl to prom) and so he can't afford to lose his job, and I think he's foolish for risking it by showing up unkempt. He's just too lazy to do his own laundry. I have no problem collecting his clothing if left on the floor, and donating it to others who might need/appreciate it more, but again, to say that he'll be responsible for replacing them is not practical, because he doesn't have the money. In the end, I know my husband would end up giving him funds to replace the stuff. It mostly comes from resale shops like Plato's closet, anyway, but when you don't have money (especially if you lose your job) then it's a "vicious circle...."
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Post by Mayleng on Jun 11, 2009 6:09:54 GMT -5
That is why he is not accepting responsibility because there are no consequences to him. You don't dig him out of the hole, he has too. When he is an adult, are you still going to give him money if he loses a job, are you going to support his family for him? There is no what ifs, if he has no money, he had better go find another job to pay for his expenses and repay monies he owes you. He won't learn unless HE feels the pain. Take it as a teaching moment - tough love.
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Post by Mayleng on Jun 11, 2009 7:53:50 GMT -5
God! and we thought it was tough when they were young.
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Post by SharonF on Jun 11, 2009 8:13:08 GMT -5
I gotta agree with Mayleng and Sharie.
Let him go to work in wrinkled, stinky clothes. Don't say anything more about it. If he's right that "nobody cares," then it never really mattered if his clothes were wrinkled and stinky. Issue closed.
But if he gets reprimanded or fired, he will learn that appearance does matter.
If he doesn't have the money to replace his belongings that you give to charity, then he doesn't get new bedding, clothes, etc. He's a big boy now. It's easy for me to say, but I think you gotta set consequences and make them stick.
Let's assume you do give to charity everything from his dorm that's been piled in the Family Room for a month. And you refuse to use parental money to buy replacements. What's the worst that will happen?
He will have (at most) two pairs of shorts, two pairs of boxers and two t-shirts to get through the summer and fall. He won't have sheets and pillowcases for his dorm bed. He may not have paper, pencils, books, a bookbag or a desk lamp. Can he survive like that? Yes.
If that's what it takes to prove you mean business, then that's what it takes. You are NO LONGER RESPONSIBLE for bailing him out when he chooses to eat, sleep and be merry.
You will not be reported to Child Protective Services for him having only two pairs of boxer shorts and two t-shirts. It may increase tension at home for awhile. And he may smell funny if he doesn't wash those two pairs of boxers often enough. But that's his choice. That's tough love. It's tough on all parties. But if everything else fails, tough love is sometimes the only viable option.
I wouldn't worry about trying to make your son set long-term goals. Honestly, he's not ready for that yet. Work on the short-term goals. That includes continuing to go to college classes and passing those classes, even if he's not sure of his major or his career plan. Don't worry what type of engineering he's best suited for--and it may not be beneficial to try to force him to decide. Time (and seeing where he struggles or has success in certain classes) may provide the best answer for that question.
Hang in there, healthy!
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Post by healthy11 on Jun 11, 2009 8:37:43 GMT -5
As I mentioned earlier, the more I analyze it, I believe the fact that my husband and I aren't presenting a "unified front," is contributing a great deal to the difficulties with our son. Maybe it's no different than what goes on in many other households, but when one parent is always stuck in the role of "enforcer/cop" and the other parent doesn't see what transpires all day long, it's hard to feel like you're acting as a team...
My husband, (who works long hours, and barely sees our son due to the opposite day/night schedules they keep) prefers to "dismiss" the issues by being willing to give our son funding, rather than to listen to me talk about how little our son accomplishes on his own. I've tried to talk to my husband about what might happen when our son is an adult, if he needs financial support, and my husband says, "Let's cross that bridge when it comes. You worry about everything. Right now, so long as he's getting passing grades in school, we can pay for his stuff." Then he adds, "But since he didn't mow the grass yesterday, it should be done today, and I want his dorm belongings out of the family room by Friday." I'm going to my "paid job" in a few minutes, so I hope our son accomplishes something on his own after he wakes up, but if not, I'll be back to the role of "policeman" when I get home, and I hate that... (Rain is expected this afternoon...Our son will be all-too-happy to say he couldn't mow the lawn because of the weather...) I ponder, should I wake him now, and make him do it early? It's like "kicking a dragon" ~ He's grouchy enough when he gets his sleep, and if I disturb him now, after only 6 hours of rest, I know what the tone for the rest of the day will be like.
(Funny how when our kids are young, we're worried about their health and getting proper rest, but after they become teens/young adults and don't seem to give a darn about what junk they ingest or the hours they keep, then we become less concerned, too.)
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Post by sharie001 on Jun 11, 2009 8:49:21 GMT -5
Healthy, I know where your coming from b/c I've been there (right down to the debts with hubbie, and more). I think at some point we have to cut the cord and let them buy (pay for) their own life experiences. As hard as us moms may try we can't sheild them from themselves or the world, and the sooner they wake up and get in tune with the "real world" AKA "adult world", the easier it will be for everyone later in life. I know that this is easier said than done. No matter if it's now or later it will eventually have to be done or else they will live with you forever and continue their same behaivor/routine. I've also read that some boys sometimes don't reach full mental maturity until their mid-20's, this scares the he!! out of me, lol. Baby boy is now 20 and I'm still waiting. Maybe a travel trailer in a state or other campground would work if the tent/shed won't, lol. www.dnr.state.il.us/lands/Landmgt/programs/camping/index.htm#Siteswww.parksandcampgrounds.com/campgrounds/usa/illinois/chicago-area.htmlOh, almost forgot to mention, when Ryan stinks b/c he is dirty and/or is wearing dirty clothes, I spray him with air freshner (keep a bottle in the house and auto, lol).
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Post by Mayleng on Jun 11, 2009 9:11:42 GMT -5
Healthy, if your husband wants him to do all those chores, than make YOUR husband tell him. You are NOT the messenger. It doesn't bother your husband because there is NO consequence for HIM. So you need to teach both the men in your household, not just your son. My hubby did the same thing to me, telling me to tell son what he wants done. Which ended up with son and I getting into arguments and stressing me out. So I tell hubby, if he wants son to mow the lawn, take out garbage etc. then HE calls him and tells him because I am staying out of it. It is damaging my relationship with son. So hubby still calls and asks me if I told son to do this and that, and I tell him I did not and here is son, he can talk to him about it. I will pass the phone to son, and I am not put in the position of being the enforcer and son does not take it out on me. He tries though, and I say, talk to your father, leave me out of it. Your situation with your hubby is not unique. My hubby has undermined me for years. Some have long term consequence but he does not admit it. He is the "good guy", while mom is always the bad guy. I told him I get tired of this crap, but that is not going to change. But letting him tell his son what HE wants his son to do instead of me doing it, has made a big difference. He used to be so willing for me to drive his son and friends around, to movies etc. When I say no, he will say he will do it. I will only do it once in a while now, because his friends abused this privilege and I found that I was the one doing all the driving for them, they always ask son to ask us to do the driving. The other parents got a "free ride". So I told son, I will drive one way but I'd rather not, and I will not be doing the 11 pm pickup from the movies because I will be in bed. But hubby will always say yes. So son now asks him directly, and I am out of it. Hubby is now finding it tiresome and a waste of his time, especially when he wants to go to bed. LOL! So, when hubby has to do it himself and suffer the consequences, it is a different story.
Now if it is something I want done, like bringing his laundry down etc. Then I lay out the consequence. Remember I had a terrible time with that a while back. Well! I stopped doing his laundry when it is not down when it is laundry day. It kept piling up in his room. One day, he realized he did not have clean clothes and had to go to school in dirty stuff. He brought down his own laundry and did it himself. I have not had a problem with laundry since. Now the dump that is his room is another story. I just close the door and I don't clean his room. He has to do it himself. If he wants to live in filth, so be it. I have other things better to do then nag and stress over him. If he wants me to do something for him, he has to do something for ME. Mom is not his slave. Follow thru' and consequences works wonders for both hubby and son.
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Post by ldparent on Jun 11, 2009 9:21:25 GMT -5
Healthy the only one you have any control over in this situation is you. not your husband and not your son. you have to decide what you are willing to put up with and what you are not. If you want your bathroom to be clean and are not willing to toss his clothes out , then dump them back in his room and close the door. dont mention it at all. stop asking him to do anything. but stop catering to him.
Your husband and son are responsible for their own behaviors and expectations. Try to extract yourself from being cop. It is not your job. If your husband wants something done he should communicate it to your son. He did with a note. If it still doesnt happen it is not your fault. it is between your husband and son. It is not your job to fix it and make everyone happy. the more you let yourself be sucked into their conflict the more it will be prolonged. and the longer it will take for your son to experience any consequences to his behavior. ( and your husband to his) the thing is you have to live with the consequences too. So you have to decide with what you can put up with and what is intolerable. but the more you cave now, the longer your son will be a parasite instead of an adult. feeling bad about him having no friends earlier in his life does not help him grow up now. good luck. this is all so hard. Respect yourself, set limits but dont sweat the small stuff, and if you have to, go on a vacation by yourself for a few days.
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Post by Mayleng on Jun 11, 2009 9:31:56 GMT -5
YA! what ldparent said. (I was long winded about it, LOL)
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Post by sharie001 on Jun 11, 2009 9:35:45 GMT -5
Ditto Mayleng, ldparent nailed it!
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Post by jill921 on Jun 11, 2009 10:09:13 GMT -5
Healthy - completely understand your battle. Just know you are not alone in this dilemma.
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Post by healthy11 on Jun 11, 2009 16:04:10 GMT -5
Jill, I've KNOWN I'm not alone in this dilemma for a long, long, time....I have plenty of neighbors with "neurotypical" teen children, and they struggle, too, especially with the males in their household. (Sons AND husbands.) We've been married over 26 years, and really don't have many disagreements, but since our son started exerting his "I'm 18 and now an adult" attitude, it's definitely gotten worse. My husband, truthfully, was/is a hard-working guy, and I think his parents were able to be pretty "lenient" when he was a teen with regards to home rules, because he's self-motivated and very responsible. He said, "They made it clear that school was my top priority, and anything else was secondary." I think that's why dh feels that so long as our son is in school, I shouldn't worry about all other aspects of what it's going to take for our son to become an independent adult.... I just doubt that it's going to happen "automatically" for our son without clearer boundaries, and I don't like being "the enforcer." (Chris Ziegler Dendy, considered an expert on adolescents with ADHD, says that these kids act about 1/3 less mature than their chronological-aged peers, so unfortunately, if he's 18 now, and acting more like a typical 12-year-old, I'm going to have to deal with teen-like behaviors for a long time to come....AAARGH!)
To end on a more positive note, at least there's some good news I can "report"....my son got the lawn mowed when I was at work! He said it didn't start drizzling until later....Dirty laundry is still all over the house, his dorm stuff is still in the family room, and a few minutes ago, a girl showed up at our house again, and so that's probably the end of his getting anything useful accomplished for today, but at least from the outside, our house looks "presentable" with the grass cut!
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Post by Mayleng on Jun 11, 2009 16:40:05 GMT -5
Hey, he at least got one thing off the list.
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Post by sharie001 on Jun 11, 2009 17:21:06 GMT -5
Healthy,
These probably sound terrible, but they work, and you don't have to say a word, lol.
I can tell you how to cure girls showering at your house..... Put some ointment/medicine in the shower or near it for a socially and/or sexually transmitted disease, that should keep them out of your shower, lol.
If he is enviting his buddies over too often and they take over your living room, etc., most guys have phobias about feminine products (tampax, etc.), sit a box or two on your couches, it worked on some of my son's friends, lol.
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Post by healthy11 on Jun 11, 2009 17:48:47 GMT -5
Sharie, the girls aren't showering at my house (yet, anyway) and (thankfully) I don't have any medicine to display for socially transmitted diseases, since we haven't had to deal with any of those! I actually have left empty boxes that used to contain feminine products around, because our pet gerbils chew through every cardboard container they can sink their little teeth in! Doesn't seem to phase the teens.... As for this afternoon, after the girl came over, another guy joined them, and now they're all supposedly going out bike riding? They mentioned maybe going to another midnight showing at the movie theater, so I was told "don't expect me home until 2 or 3 a.m., except maybe for a quick snack."
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Post by shawbridge on Jun 11, 2009 19:38:05 GMT -5
It is interesting. In our house, my wife is also much more concerned about my son's lack of interest in chores, laundry, etc. than I am. I think I was similar to healthy's husband and I don't think I had to do anything at home (except to mow the 1 acre lawn, ugg). However, the expectations on me as the oldest son of two Jewish professors (including one National Academy of Science member) felt rather high. Both academics and Jewish observance. [After attending three of the world's most famous universities, when I left my teaching job at Harvard to work on Wall Street, my mother was very disappointed in me]. But, I never had to cook or clean -- the deal was implicit. So, like your husband, healthy, I guess I have transferred that to my son without thinking. He is, however, highly responsible on the academic front. When a dyslexic kid works his heart out to graduate near the top of his class and 99+ percentile on each of the three SAT tests, I say "Relax and enjoy yourself." My wife doesn't. But, we should make sure he knows how to make a bed and fold laundry so that he doesn't offend his roommate.
We don't have girls showering at our house, but I actually wouldn't be unhappy if the college freshman who has stopped by regularly waiting for him to realize she's interested were doing so. One night she fell asleep in his bed on his shoulder while reading to him. He came down to ask us what to do and slept in the loft bed above her. We emailed her father to say she had fallen asleep but was not sleeping in DS's bed, and he emailed back to say that he didn't know she was not home and he wouldn't be upset if she were sleeping in DS's bed. She's sweet and smart and probably would tell him to do the laundry before it engulfed the entire floor of his room.
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Post by empeg1 on Jun 11, 2009 20:35:34 GMT -5
Yes, and does your young man, Shawbridge, ever spend money when he is hanging out with his girlfriend? Where does he get his supply of money if he is not working. If your ds has graduated high school, he should not be receiving money from you. Simply stop giving him any money beyond room and board, no cash for gas, eating away from home, movies, clothes, ....... Perhaps then he will an incentive to get a job and be serious about it. Really, this is learning about adult consequences.
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Post by healthy11 on Jun 11, 2009 23:26:49 GMT -5
empeg, I respect many of your perspectives, but it doesn't seem realistic to have a rigid rule for all offspring that "if graduated from high school, they should not be receiving money from parents." In the same way that no two kids who have a particular diagnosis, like dyslexia, necessarily respond to the same "reading methodology," I don't see how treating all 18-yr-olds with the same approach is the right thing to do. They are individuals.... (Please note, my son right now IS paying for his own gas, eating out, and other social activities, but during the school year, he does get some assistance from us. If he goes over budget, it impacts how much he gets the next month. That's why he's "in the hole" from the loan we gave him to escort a girl to Prom in May. He wasn't working during the school year.)
In evaluating my own upbringing, I did become independent at 18, but I would NOT want everyone to experience the same circumstances. My father died when I was a young child, and the probate courts divided his meager life insurance amongst the surviving relatives. That was used up for my college education. I held a part-time job during the school year in the Registrar's Office for additional money, but I have no LD's. I doubt my son could work part-time, and be a successful full-time student.
My husband said his cousins WERE given the "You're on your own when you finish high school ultimatum," with the result being that they each joined the military, since it was the only way they could get "room and board and food" without parental support. Don't get me wrong, I believe military service is honorable, but I don't think it should be entered into out of "desperation." While that approach seemed to work fine for two of his cousins, the third seems resentful and doesn't have a good relationship with her parents.
In a way, this discussion about spending money reminds me of what moms used to talk about in term of the "should you let a child use a pacifier" debate...Some would say "Absolutely not," while others would say "If they need it, let them," and then someone would ask, "But then when would you take it away?" and in the end, another experienced parent would say, "There is no fixed time, but you don't see kids going to kindergarten with them." As comforting as they may have found having a pacifier, most kids learn to function on their own. Hopefully, our kids will also make the transition to independent adulthood without continued "support," but it's apparent that they don't all do it the day they turn 18!
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Post by vickilyn32 on Jun 12, 2009 9:30:07 GMT -5
In our house both kids get one tank of gas per week. The reason for that is so they can also run errands for me while I am at work. They go to the store, postoffice, drop off bills, run to the bank etc. In our little town most places (except the grocery store) are not open in the evening or weekends, so if I need to do business with them I either go during my lunch or send one of the kids. They do clean their rooms just because they have to, and Dan finally has a sort of job. He works at a cattle sale barn one day a week. It is not much, but he is making some money and will at least have a job to put on a resume so maybe he can find something for 2 more days a week. He has been picking up a litte extra money putting audio systems in cars for a few people in town and cleaning their cars. It is not much, but helps. Amber has to call later this morning for a job she applied for. She will have a bit of a drive, but the pay is good.
We had a bad storm yesterday and Dan was home alone because I was still at work. He tried to be the "man of the house" and put the dogs in then parked the cars under shelter. (we had golf ball size hail) However, DH's pickup got stuck in the mud when we went to get it out. So we spent most of yesterday evening trying to get it unstuck. Dan was so upset and blamed himself for it. We finally got it out and took it to the car wash to get the mud off. I was glad that Dan was being so responisble without being told, but was sorry it did not work out.
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