Differences between HS and College

[hsmom]

I found this document that might be helpful to parents and those who are going off to college.

www.goucher.edu/x4599.xml

[Mayleng]

Thanks hsmom.

[SharonF]

hsmom--

The link sums it up well--at least how college is different academically than high school.

Our older child is in his freshman year of college. For the past few years--he has heard over and over how different college is from high school. But he really didn't understand what it meant until he lived it.

Before college, he was looking forward to independence. He was eager to get away from parents who sometimes reminded him to study and always monitored his grades. He was never a partier in high school and told us he wouldn't be a partier in college. He firmly believed he had the self-discipline to do well in school, avoid excess partying, and manage his time wisely.

He came home for Thanksgiving. He doesn't say much. But he did say that independence was not all that it's cracked up to be. In fact, he said that independence is hard. College is a lot harder than he expected--and he expected it to be difficult. Avoiding the temptation to party has been really hard for him. Self-directed studying for 30 to 40 hours a week (at least two hours of studying for each hour of class) is really hard for him.

So the academic stresses of college are very different from high school. But so are the emotional stresses.

Our college-aged kids no longer have the "security blankets" of home. In some cases, they insisted they no longer needed those security blankets. But going off to school hundreds of miles away, they sometimes feel very alone. They have not found new security blankets and are not comfortable yet in the routines of college. Many soon come to the conclusion they are not really prepared for this stage. They're not willing to admit to any adult that they are struggling. They aren't exactly homesick. They're not really sure what to feel. My son has recently admitted to some anxiety and depression this fall in college. The fact that he admitted any emotions is really unusual for him.

Something else that's missing from that list is how things are also very different college is for parents! Parents need to reassure without giving (much) advice. Parents need to "be there" but also stay in the background without intruding on personal space. We need to accept the fact that our kids may not call us (unless they want money,) may not show us their grades, and may not involve us in their daily lives. Our kids are young adults--and must learn to navigate the world through trial and error. Just like we did!

My son knows how to do laundry, balance his checkbook, and type a paper in MLA format. He's still working on the more daunting tasks of figuring out who he is and how he fits into the world. To me, self-actualization is the most important part of being 18 to 25 years old.
As his parents, I believe we encourage self-actualization by stepping back, reassuring that we are always there and always love him, but give him the freedom to figure out the meaning of life for himself.

[healthy11]

Sharon has summed things up well...we can tell our kids how different college is from high school, but until they actually "live it" for themselves, they don't comprehend what we've been saying.

My own college freshman talked about going to a university far from where we live, but he eventually decided to attend a school that's an hour away. He comes home every weekend. Ironically, I brought our car to our auto mechanic this morning, and apparently his daughter (now a sophomore) got caught up in the weekend college drinking/partying as a freshman, and wishes she'd been closer to home, because it's easier to "avoid the temptation" by not being around it. He thinks it's harder for some kids to "say no," than it is to just leave campus on weekends, and so perhaps that's what my son is doing?

Unfortunately, my son has not yet figured out the necessary time management/academic aspects of college...His revelation over Thanksgiving was to say he's now doubting his choice of major, even though he's talked about becoming an engineer since he was 4 years old. (He's got a math teacher he doesn't like, and a psychology teacher he does, which I believe is the main reason for his change of heart.) The college he's at is very "focused" on technology, so he would likely have to change schools. His grades are not great, but he didn't realize that transfer applications should be filled out NOW if he wanted to go elsewhere next year, plus he would not get any scholarships. Because we are footing a large part of his college costs, we don't feel as if we can completely step away and let him make impulsive decisions without having at least some confidence that this isn't a "knee-jerk reaction" to a bad first semester, but only time will probably tell.....Without a doubt, college is a tumultuous period, both for students and parents!

[Mayleng]

Now I am scared. Jeez! I was looking forward to getting over the MS/HS challenges and off to college. Now it seems it isn't going to be an easy time in college either.

[SharonF]

healthy--

Interesting thought about why your son may be coming home every weekend. Maybe it is to avoid the pressure to party. As I've said before, at least you know where he is on Saturday nights. I'm afraid I don't want to know what my son's been doing on weekends at college!

The fact that your son is rethinking his major is so common. But it doesn't make it any easier for him or for you. Our kids want to be "happy" but aren't sure how or where to find that happiness. My personal belief is that kids have to explore, try new things, stumble, fall, pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and figure it out as they go. There will be times where the light bulb goes off and things just feel right. But just as often, there will be times when they feel like they are groping in the darkness. I believe it's crucial for young adults to learn to navigate those times of uncertainty without parental hovering. It's an essential part of the process of maturing, further developing their competencies, and understanding who they are. And we can't do it for them.

If they're willing to talk, we can listen. Active listening is probably best, where we repeat back what we're hearing and try to put it into context without preaching. ("So it sounds like you're no longer certain about engineering, but you sound surprised that you're enjoying psychology class. What do you see as your options?")

That doesn't resolve anything. But it can help our kids put things into a manageable perspective. Maybe it helps that lightbulb to light up.

Mayleng--it's not any harder now than when the kids were younger. It's just a different kind of difficulty. We go from being very involved in their lives to intentionally stepping back, giving them room and time to grow up.

It's kind of like taking the training wheels off the kid's bike for the first time. Chances are good that the kid is going to fall. Maybe fall lots of times. But you take the training wheels off anyway because you don't want him still riding with training wheels when he's 30 years old. Eventually, they learn to balance and pedal at the same time. As the parent, you can only stand in the driveway holding the metal wheels. You can't do it for them. Watching our kids go to college (or any transition to adulthood) is much the same way.

[Mayleng]

The only problem Sharon, is when they were younger we are somewhat in control and can get them help. When they are older, you really can't do much to get them to do what we know are the right things. I guess it is hard letting go.

Changing majors is very common. My neighbour's high performing kids all go to very good schools. Oldest dd went to Princeton, one son went to Carnegie Melon (he had a nervous breakdown in his 2nd year, came home for 1 year and did nothing, drove his mom nuts. He just could not take the pressure of college and this is not a ld kid, have always been in private schools. He went back to Carnegie Melon after taking that one year off). Another son, went to Notre Dame, but after the 1st year, he decided he did not like it there and decided to change his Major, he transferred to Penn State. Youngest dd is in Duke.

So neurotypical kids also have problems in college. These are not kids who struggled academically in school and they all went to high performing Private schools.

[SharonF]

Mayleng--

So true. But it's easier to step back if you remember that life is about the journey, not the destination.

College should not just be about getting a degree to get a job. The college years are where kids really begin to apply what we've taught them about life itself---to see if it's true.

I already see that in my son, just four months into college. He's testing what we've taught him about eating healthy, getting enough sleep, avoiding drugs/alcohol, being part of a community of faith, choosing friends wisely, and letting his actions speak louder than his words. He's testing his family's honored ideals of ethics, morals, self-discipline, and responsibility. Like many 19-year olds, he's sometimes doing the opposite of what he was brought up to do. He's not overt or rude about it. But he's seeing what it's like to walk a little on the wild side. It's part of the testing process.

This testing will help him decide for himself which values he will live by. He cannot simply choose his parents' values. Or his grandparents' values. He must test those values, try on other lifestyles and values, and decide how his personal morals and goals will drive his decisions. He's also learning how bad decisions might reduce his ability to live by his personal morals and achieve his personal goals. Or as we told them when they were little, if you do bad things...bad things happen.

I get a sense he's already coming to some conclusions. And I have a strong sense he will eventually return to his core values. But it's early yet. He has more testing to do. And I'm at peace with that.

Parents cannot "give" their kids integrity, wisdom, character or credibility. Nor can professors teach those traits in a lecture. Our kids must *earn* those important traits for themselves. Those traits are only earned through life's hard knocks, through trials and errors, through introspective reflection, and over time. That's part of the JOURNEY.

And as you point out, it's not just LD kids. Or high-achieving kids. Most young adults test values and morals before finally deciding which ones to live by. My kids are no exception.

[majorv]

As long ago as it's been, I still remember testing the waters when I went away to college. My parents were pretty conservative, and raised me that way. However, the temptation of being on my own was strong during that first semester. I was certainly never wild at college, but it was nice not to be told to get up and go to church or have any of the other restrictions my parents placed on me while under their roof. I did find, after a while, that I ended up going back to the values my parents had raised me with. It also helped to have a roommate who came from the same background. Anyway, I expect my daughter, who is also in her first 4 months of college to act similarly. So far, it seems to be going the same way for her. I don't know about everything she does or doesn't do, nor do I want to know. You just have to hope that after that first taste of freedom your kids will, at some point, see that the values you tried to instill in them while they were growing up, might be a good foundation to build on.

[cobyseven]

While some of you may not want to hear this, my non-LD dd is thriving at college. She is self-motivated, a hard-worker, dean's list, and probably partied more in high school than she does now. It was never a great deal, but we did have a few high school bumps with the 'fun' issue. In retrospect, I'm rather glad she did those things when she was here with me rather than now. She gets pretty disgusted watching her college friends be drunk/tramps.

She made an interesting comment when she was home this weekend. I was discussing her field hockey team mates and asking her about the new freshmen. She said, "I know it's ridiculous since they are only two years behind me, but they seem so young." Big, big difference between some 18 - 20 year olds. Moral: have faith.....they may get there yet.

[jisp]

Coby you are so right that there is a HUGE difference between 18 and 20 year olds. Just last night my daughter was saying how many kids in CA attend community colleges for Junior colleges right after high school. There they get their required courses out of the way. They also get some of the partying and wildness out while continuing to live at home. And then they go off to a good college where they can focus and excel at learning.

To be honest college has become way too expensive for it to be just a "summer camp" for young adults.