Checking in :)

[michellea]

Hi All,

I rarely get back here to read or post, but think of you often. This community was so instrumental in helping me through the ups and downs of parenting and advocating for a child with learning disabilities.

I am learning that now that I have a college graduate - DD has been out for 2+ years and a college student - DS is a rising senior - the ups and downs and worry are not as constant, but of course are always there. There is no retiring from parenting!

DD is still in Boston and doing well. She moved from Oracle (where she felt like a "speck" and unimportant, but loved being with many many peers her age) to a small financial compliance firm who she interviewed with when in college. She is still in sales, but because the firm is small and adding markets, she is part of the decision making team and finds the job much more interesting and rewarding. Plus, she can walk to work which she loves. Recently, she and her boyfriend of 5 years broke up. She is heartbroken, but luckily has many friends, interests and a vibrant social life - so I think she will be ok.

DS is still at UMass majoring in Natural Resource Conservation and completed an AS in Community Forestry last year. School is hard work and he has a wonderful, highly organized girl friend that is helping him through. He is maintaining a good 3.4 GPA - and has fulfilled his English requirement. He still has one more math class and chemistry - if he get these under his belt, he will be good to go! He has been interning with the same company the last 3 years and they are very anxious to have him graduate and on their payroll full time. Last spring he participated in a national collegiate landscape contest in the arboriculture event and came in second - he is hoping to better his showing next spring and take home first place.

I am still advocating for families. Still rewarding and I am so grateful that I work with so many wonderful families.

I hope everyone is doing well - I love seeing some of you on facebook - and I'll stop in here from time to time to see how you are all doing.

[healthy11]

Michellea, it is so good to hear from you, and to know that you're still advocating for kids with special needs! It's also wonderful to hear that your own children are continuing to develop their talents and grow into wonderful young adults!

My son continues to wrestle with an engineering job at a big company where he, too, feels like a small cog in a very large wheel, but he does like his co-workers, and there aren't a lot of other tech companies located in the town he lives in. His girlfriend won't move away from her family, and he's unwilling to relocate because he wants to remain with her. (You might recall that he and his first serious girlfriend dated 6 years, then broke up about a year after he got out of college. He's been with the current girlfriend nearly 3 years now... I'm sure your daughter will also find someone new! )

[jisp]

Michellea, I was thinking of your daughter as my daughter's good friend (and one of her bridesmaids) just broke up with her boyfriend- a boy she thought she was going to marry and it has all be very dramatic and quite difficult. Of course looking at the big picture this break up is probably a blessing in disguise but still my heart aches for the girl.

I really admire the way your youngest has found his niche and his passion and is just throwing himself into it. I still remember what a success he was with the selling of birdhouses at the LD school (the same LD school my middle son attended). He is proof that personality and values and work ethic play a huge role in success.

So continuing the checking in...In addition to becoming a Mother-in-law and soon Grandma. The real news for this thread is that the child who originally drew me to this web site now has a Phd in Mathematical Biology and is starting a Post-doctoral Fellowship at Harvard. He and his lovely girlfriend just arrived here a week ago with their dog after a well planned road trip across country.

My youngest son is still working on the music as a career thing. Last summer he graduated from Berklee with his Masters in Music (He has an undergraduate degree from New England Conservatory). He moved to NYC and taught music appreciation at a private high school. It was a tough winter and he got pretty depressed and frustrated and exhausted. He also had a wisdom tooth emergency. He had a boost this spring when he was accepted to Banff and will be going there in a few weeks for a residency. And this upcoming year he is going to teach fewer hours and hopefully gig more and that will bring the right balance back into his life.

Healthy there has been some discussion on grandmother names. Not sure what we will choose, as my son-in-law has two parents who live nearby as well and they are already grandparents so we shall see if their grandparent name sticks for them.

I am very excited to be a grandma but also a bit nervous. Watching your daughter go through pregnancy with all it's ups and downs requires a special type of invisible duct-tape. At the same time I am marveling at her strength and her maturity and the extent to which she and her husband are a "team" in this. I think they will be great parents. One advantage of marrying your best friend is that there is a strong foundation of communication already in place.

I think one challenge for me is that I have always had STRONG opinions about birth, breastfeeding and parenting. And my daughter knows that but at the same time she has to figure some things out for herself and do what is right for them. The other day she was talking about a bilingual preschool that teaches Chinese and English. I DID NOT say that given the genetics of this baby's father and her genetics the chance that they will have a baby who excels at languages and would be happy in a bilingual environment is LOW Her husband also had some minor LD issues and went to art school and is now a graphic designer.

I would say the biggest stressor is $$$ None of my kids seem to have it or are making it. In this world that can be tough. The hospital my daughter works for actually had the nerve to ask our daughter to terminate early because it would be hard to replace her, after she asked about coming back part-time after the baby was born. She did contact HR. Fortunately they backtracked and now are saying she can work per-diem.

[healthy11]

Jisp, thank you for letting us know how your family is doing, too. I recently met a woman at an exercise class who is also awaiting the arrival of her first grandchild, and she keeps expressing many of the same sentiments as you (being nervous, yet very proud of her daughter and son-in-law for the wonderful team they make.) A few weeks ago, she attended a “gender reveal” party, and learned that they’re having a girl…do your daughter and son-in-law intend to find out ahead of time?

Ironically, the woman and I also discovered that our sons have much in common…In addition to being the same age, they share a strong interest in cars, dogs, etc. and both have ADHD! Her son was recently diagnosed and just started using medication, whereas my son apparently feels he no longer would benefit by taking them (although I’d beg to differ, especially after seeing how many projects he’s started but not finished at his house.)

It certainly does sound like your eldest son is in a good place, both personally and professionally. I hope that your younger son will find more happiness in his life in Banff, too. Best wishes to all of you!

[shawbridge]

We are a little earlier in life stage than Jisp's kids. No grandkids in the offing as far as I know. No marriages yet, though they could happen.

ShawD is now 25 and is in her second year as an NP doing primary care. She was able to move back to the Boston area. She loved her job in Western Mass and loves this one as well, but this place is not as well-managed. She has a great boyfriend whom she met just before she moved to Western Mass. They seem to be doing very well and are moving in together next month when his lease expires. He's a very bright kid with a great job running a group doing speech recognition software. Between them, they do OK financially. Great couple. The couple has been blessed by pretty much everyone -- his mother said to me, "I hope he understands that she is the one. We are crossing our fingers that he doesn't screw it up." She still takes Ritalin for work. Not sure if she does so every day. The fast pace of primary care is good for her given ADHD. She and BF have been good at taking vacations. She just came back from Beirut and has been skiing and has a trip to Patagonia planned.

ShawSon is living with his GF in California. He completed his MBA and MS in Data Science in March. He started a new company a year ago and raised several million dollars from venture capitalists. He took my advice and used the money to hire an executive assistant who is tasked to take care of business and personal things for him. He is probably not far from deciding whether to marry his GF. They will be moving off campus and have to find an apartment in the Bay Area. He has done unbelievably well given his dyslexia/ADHD/speech delay. Superb performance in undergrad. Got in to the best grad schools in his field. His business partner, who has three Stanford degrees tells people that ShawSon "is the smartest person I've ever met." He's gotten through a major surgery and is doing really well. He still takes Adderall. Not sure if every day or just some days. He's a Silicon Valley entrepreneur, so there aren't that many days off, but he is now in Hong Kong on vacation with his GF.

Jisp, ShawWife did a residency in Banff last year -- there is a colony for more established artists but there was a great program for dancers, musicians and choreographers to work together and another one for jazz musicians. We met a lot of the kids and a couple of instructors of the program and went to performances. Terrific stuff. I hope he enjoys it. ShawWife and I are headed to the Canadian Rockies again in a few weeks, but not for the Banff residency.

[jisp]

My son is going to Banff as a Jazz Musician/composer. Because he is a double Bass player they only take one every year. This was his third time applying!!! I am glad he persisted. He is working on a large multi-media project and I think being at Banff will help him maybe make some connections as he will need to collaborate with other artists to bring make this project work.

Being a musician is not an easy path and there were several times this past year when our son talked about quitting. Two years ago we happened to be in London when one of his mentors from his conservatory was performing at a sold out event at Southwark Cathedral. We went and afterwards we stood in line behind the head of Steinway and other well known London arts people, waiting to introduce ourselves to him. When we told him who we were, f he immediately smiled and sweetly commented on how much our son looks like both of us. Then I said to him "You know I have spent the past four years hearing our son say how much he wants your life" And the musician being tired after a late evening, probably missing his wife and young children back home in the US and not being in "teacher mode" said, "He can have it!" Now this is a guy who has made it!!! He is the artistic director for music at the Park Avenue Armory in NY. His performances sell out. He has a professorship at a top conservatory. A few seconds later he saw the shocked look on our faces. Our son had just graduated and this musician just confirmed the fear that life as a struggling artist was going to be hard. He quickly apologized and took it back and assured us that in time our son would sort out how to find his way. I think the past year of struggle was good for our son because it made him realize why he wants to do what he is doing and confront the challenges that lie ahead.



A young man who was a year ahead of my son in graduate school and is a good friend and collaborator with my son was just at Banff for an invitation only scientific conference. He has posted a lot of pictures on social media and it looks lovely. I had no idea those types of conferences happened there as well.

One interesting thing I have noticed about "intelligence" and people who talk about "intelligence" that often the smartest people I know or have met are also some of the most modest and humble people. They are the first to admit what they don't know and what distinguishes them is their insatiable curiosity about the world.

As for grandparenthood...it is not a surprise that birthrates are down for millennials. For one thing having a child in our system of health care and work is ridiculously expensive. Then there is the issue about climate change and this generations fear that the planet might be heading into some challenging years for the human species. I have talked to many young people who actually say they feel it is wrong to bring a small human into the world right now. I really hope there are enough smart brilliant young people to address the climate crises we have created.

[shawbridge]

We met some of the leaders of that program and listened to some of the bands while we were there. Incredibly talented folks.

We have lived firsthand with the difficulty of careers in the arts. There is less of a private market and more government funding for some of the arts in Canada. Good for dancers, probably. Good for visual artists who are good at writing up politically correct installation pieces (e.g., about the victimization of the First Nations, etc.). Things that will play well in a committee. Not sure about the support for music in Canada.

My brother attended Berklee and played jazz trumpet. What I observed among his friends was that quite a number made a living as musicians. Some did not. What distinguished them was not talent, but the skill and drive to hustle. Selling all of the time.

[jisp]

Yes at a certain point whether a musician makes it or not is not about talent. Everyone who graduated from my son's conservatory or other equivalent conservatories (ie: MSM, Juilliard, Oberlin etc...) has the skill and talent to work as a musician. You can't survive conservatory training by just coasting along.

Although that being said my son's good friend whose career is on the rise as a singer is clearly having success because he is unbelievably talented. I remember hearing him in a student arranged concert he and my son and their friends put on our son's freshman year. I walked away thinking, "WOW...I want that guy to come over and sing me to sleep every night!" At his senior recital he finished with his parents (both professional LA studio musicians) and him doing an amazing rendition of "Stand by Me". I think everyone in that small concert all was in tears by the end. It was amazing. His mom, a singer, is not anyone you will know, but she has worked and been on recordings we all have heard. His father is also one of those quiet stars although there is a video of "Hugh Laurie" saying this boy's father plays sax like an angel. Now their son is in NYC and he is getting noticed and successful musicians are having him participate in their shows and their recordings. And the attention is well deserved and earned. And so this guy does not need to hustle the way some of his peers are having to right now. This boy has also worked hard in addition to being naturally talented, but the path of his career is likely going to be easier than the path of many of his friends from conservatory. Check out his web site:
www.michaelmayomusic.com

[michellea]

GRRR I was almost done with a very thoughtful reply to all of you and it disappeared!! Reminder to self - compose in word and then paste. I guess I am out of practice.

Here is take two -

Healthy - so glad to hear your DS is doing well and striking the balance between love, living and working. The 20's are not easy. And parenting a 20 something can have its own difficulties. We've been through various careers/work situations, know what it is like to have a long-term relationship and look at life through a different lens. I know with my kids, on one hand, I want them to live and take chances, and sometimes I want the opposite - all because of my life experience and perspective.

Jisp - I cannot wait for the grandparent naming!! What excitement you have coming and so nice that dd is close by. Regarding your opinions on childbirth and child rearing - I am sure some of your good sense has stuck with dd and you will be mostly on the same page about things. Wondering how things are working for DS and the dog and housing? So wonderful to have him at Harvard and close to home. What an AMAZING accomplishment. You must be so proud. And now you get to go out west for young ds! So glad he persisted and is at Banff - what an accomplishment. I love to hear that your kids are doing well and doing what they love.

Shawbridge - your kids continue to do well and experience the world too! You made me laugh with your dd's vacations. My dd also does her share of travel and has made it a priority. She plans to ask for more time rather than more money at her next review so that she can spend more time seeing the world!

Hope you are all enjoying the summer and am so glad to get the family updates. Take care

[bros]

Hi. Things with me are.... steady. I am currently not doing chemo for my cancer - I started to see a new managing onc, who understood that the side effects were too much for me. I have been getting blood drawn once a month since I stopped chemo last year, with getting it drawn every two weeks when I have a drop in counts. Currently had a drop in counts for the last ~3 weeks, so I am being watched closely. Still unemployed. Dunno about working. Only reason I have decent insurance right now is because I have a disability waiver on my mom's insurance that says I cannot work.

[jisp]

Bros I am so sorry to hear about your struggles with Cancer. It seems like you can write at least. Maybe use what little energy you have to right about your experiences and thoughts about managing a complex disability. I think having a goal can be a wonderful thing when your body and mind are fighting such a hard battle. Sending good wishes and strength.

Michellea-no visits to Banff for us. Our son is only there for 3 weeks and then he returns to teaching music in NYC. The young couple is adjusting to life in an east coast city. Last night we were told they are all (including the dog) feeling homesick for Utah. Sigh. At least their housing is on the river which they are enjoying for their morning jogs. Our son is also quite funny...what ever phase he is in is the "hardest phase". He told us last night that graduate school was easy but being a post-doc is hard and the REAL challenge. Oh that boy. He totally is forgetting all the stress of qualifying exams, debates with his advisor about research he wanted to do. I told our son he has to take his girlfriend to the ocean so she can get some "space". I imagine this whole area can feel a bit claustrophobic when you are used to seeing for miles and miles and miles.

[healthy11]

Bros, you are inspirational to those of us who have gotten to know your background over the years. On behalf of many, I'd like to offer you thanks for your helpful contributions and assistance to this forum, along with our prayers and best wishes for improving health.


On a separate note, I have some updates from SharonF, who older members may remember. She's been busy taking classes to complete her own college degree, while working full-time. Her daughter (who at one point in High School was told that she "wasn't college material") recently graduated with her Doctor of Physical Therapy, passed the state boards, and just launched her career!

[michellea]

So good to hear from you Bros - and I hope your health improves. Your resilience is an inspiration and I have always enjoyed and valued your perspective on things. Thank you for being there for all of us!

So happy for SharonF and her family. Her daughter has done so well - and is a great example of aiming high, despite what others think of one's potential. Glad that SharonF continued to believe and support her.

Hope all enjoy the remainder of the summer. I cannot believe August is around the corner. I am holding on desperately to the longer days and warm weather.

[shawbridge]

It's now almost New Years. I hope those of you who celebrated Christmas had a great Christmas with families and that the rest of you had/are having wonderful holidays. We celebrated Jewish Christmas (Chinese food and movies) with friends. ShawSon came home last night -- he was with his GF's family for a couple of days -- and ShawD is trekking in Patagonia with BF, his twin brother and twin brother's wife, and one or two other couples. We were going to go to a New Year's Eve shindig in Charleston with ShawSon, but he asked to just stay home and relax. Great to have him. He's been working so hard that he really needs the rest.

[jisp]

Happy New Year to everyone as well. Shawbridge we have made Star Wars and/or an Avengers movie a tradition on Christmas, but alas there was no movie this year to go see. So instead I made homemade Chinese food and we stayed home and had a meal with our son and his girlfriend. Our daughter, granddaughter and son-in-law went to his family. And although his family invited us to have Christmas desert with them, we declined as one thing we love about Christmas day is not having ANY obligations and also the wonderful magical quiet that is all around us.

2019 is off and running. Our newest family member is doing a cuteness take-over (LOL). Daughter is working 3 5 hour per-diem shifts a week. I watch the baby for 2 of the

In a few weeks we will visit our youngest in NYC. As a musician the holiday season is quite busy so he did not come home. I miss him. Before the end of the year he got to meet one of his music heroes. This musician's son is our son's roommate and had his senior recital. Our son commented on how modest his hero was. The heroes son pointed out that he can be modest because "he knows where he stands and has nothing to prove." I thought that was interesting.

Interesting to hear how the shut-down impacts science. Our son was saying he will not hear about a grant he applied for while the government is shut down. In this case the grant is not essential for the research but still how frustrating this must be for scientists throughout the country.

[healthy11]

Interesting trend...I hosted Christmas, and also served homemade Asian food to our small family gathering (my in-laws, my sister, and my son and his fiancee!)