Daughter 25 years old dating 19 years olds

[audmom]

Been a quite a while since I have been here, and I am glad to see it is still here. My dyslexic and language disabled daughter has a thrift store job and recently her car broke down and to pay for it she got a second job at a fast food restaurant where she met her current boyfriend a 19 year old manager who still lives with his father. Our daughter still lives with us.She has done the dating sites and has gotten some not very truthful dates. First one was 18, he said he was 21 and the parents stopped that one. Second one was 20 but tried to pick up her best friend on facebook, she still has him for a facebook friend even though he broke up with her. She met another date at a bus stop when her car had broken down . They all are very young and she does look young herself. She also dresses young, today it was with cat hat and a cat back pack. I have repeatedly reminded her that her dates need to be older than 18 and 21 would be better because at least they do not have to be restricted in where they go and do. We have a rule that she can not have a date come over to the house until we have met them at another location, so they can not stalk her and we felt it let her date know we care about our daughter, as it was making us nervous how she was finding these guys. I am struggling with her accepting such young men for dates and I would think their parents are not to happy with their sons having a 25 year old girlfriend. Any one else going thru this?

[healthy11]

Welcome back, audmom. Although I don't know your daughter personally, given that most kids with disabilities ARE less mature than their chronological age-mates, it doesn't surprise me that it's easier for her to "relate" to younger friends. I would actually be MORE worried about her being taken advantage of by older guys, who might be more apt to manipulate her into doing things she's not comfortable with. In fact, by dating younger guys, I would think she's less likely to "rush into" an inappropriate marriage, because I'm guessing they're not ready to "settle down," either. At this point, the most important thing is probably to be sure she's aware of the potential consequences of having intimate relations with ANY guy that could result in STDs or pregnancy. It's actually encouraging to me that she's willing to talk to you about her current boyfriend, and to know that he gets along well enough with his dad to still be living with him. Perhaps you might actually try to invite both the guy and his dad over sometime, to get to know them better, which might help to ease your fears of the unknown. (Too bad the Superbowl is over...it might have been a good opportunity. Do you think they'd be interested in watching any of the upcoming Olympic Events?)

[audmom]

Thanks for the reply. Had my husband look at it as well as another article you had on maturity. The dating someone from work especially some one in a supervisory role also has us anxious- more so for her coworkers thinking she may be getting off easy in her job. She is protecting herself and does not like for me to be too involved with her business as she wants to do things on her own. Thanks again for the feedback and the great work that you all do on this website.

[healthy11]

Audmom, on one hand, it's good that your daughter is trying to do things on her own, because the ultimate goal is for her to become independent and self-sufficient, but some kids take longer than others. Your daughter is fortunate to have you and your husband still concerned about her well-being, even if she doesn't necessarily appreciate the recommendations you try to give her, or thank you for them. Although you can't control all of her activities (nor should you, given that she's 25) I personally do feel that kids, especially those with disabilities, who don't naturally "see other perspectives" can benefit from being made aware of what other people might think, and of potential consequences of their actions. Have you expressed the work concerns directly to your daughter? Whether or not she's being scheduled for more favorable hours, or actually is getting off easy in some other way, at least she should consider the possibility that her coworkers might not be as kind to her if they feel she's getting preferential treatment from the supervisor. It might not make any difference in her continuing to date the boy right now, but maybe she never even imagined that other employees could act that way.

[shawbridge]

I was thinking the same thing as healthy11. Lots of kids with LDs mature more slowly. Feeling kinship with kids who are closer to their developmental age (not saying this is true for your daughter specifically) might make sense. OTOH, both of my kids seem relatively mature and are going out with someone three years older. Not societally odd for my D but a little societally odd for my S (though you wouldn't know it as he's 6'4" Caucasian and she's a petite 5'1" and looks young like many Asians do).

I do think the issue of going out with her boss is something to discuss as it isn't uncommon for the woman in such relationships to lose her job when the relationship ends (even if that is illegal).