College has ruined my daughter/guilt/learn from my mistake!

[babette]

I really need help. My daughter has severe ADD/Inattentive type and NVLD. She has been in and out of college for 8 years. It has been the worst possible environment for her. I say this having just returned from a weekend with her (she's taking summer classes to achieve senior status as of fall).

Even though my daughter barely graduated from HS, she was determined to go to college. We live in an affluent area with all the trimmings including "building the college resume", etc. My family and my husband's family valued college and intellectual life, so it was in the conversation the entire time my daughter was growing up. We won an out of district placement in part so that she "be prepared for college."
She is majoring in Social Work, but to be licensed or have any kind of well-paying job, one has to have an advanced degree. That's out of the question for her.

From the beginning our dd did not take her meds (still doesn't 8 years later), classes were a constant struggle. She did seek out the services of the learning center and, especially in the past 2 years has been open with her professors about her problems. Still is on academic probation for the 3rd time.

The worst part of this mess and the way I know how stressed she is is that she's developed a binge eating disorder. She weighed about 130, and is now 250. She rarely brushes her teeth, sleeps in her clothes,
can't pack a proper overnight bag, has essentially NO hygiene. She smells terrible most of the time. This is heartbreaking. Either no meds = complete disintegration of her executive functioning or she's very very depressed and pretending otherwise.

I can't believe what a first-rate mistake we made in going along with the college plan. She has gifts with children and the elderly and should have taken a 2 year certificate course in something related at a community college. I have no idea how she'll ever earn a living. Ever.

I need to know what to do. :-(

[healthy11]

((Hugs, Babette)) No two children are the same, even if they have similar diagnoses. For the benefit of other people who may be "lurking online" and reading your post, there are parents on this forum who were told "your child isn't college material" and yet now those same children have graduated. Conversely, plenty of parents of "neurotypical" children (without any LDs) have sent their kids off to college, only to see them drop out. While dealing with LDs/mental health issues often makes school more challenging, the paths in life/outcomes of each person are hard to predict, and can vary widely.

I looked back, and the last time you posted was in 2010. At that point, your daughter was being evaluated in a hospital program, and the doctors were starting her on Effexor. (I know it's not a medication for ADHD, but typically for depression.) You'd already mentioned that she hadn't been compliant on taking medications that had previously been prescribed, but it sounded like having her back at home (versus away at school) would allow closer oversight of her meds. Can I ask how long she was home after that, and did you notice any improvements when she was taking medication?

Obviously, your daughter returned to college, and while she's managed to pass some coursework over the years, she's not improved in terms of self-care. Do you know if she still sees a therapist, perhaps on-campus, if not in private practice? Since age-wise she's technically an adult, has she signed FERPA/HIPPA forms that would give permission for the school representatives/medical people to speak with you/share her records?

Although you say that your daughter is majoring in Social Work, do you think she's able to "see herself" as in need of assistance? Does she have an Advisor within the Social Sciences Department at her college who might provide guidance as far as what courses to take, and how long it may take to actually graduate? I know you've said that your family has placed a high value on a college education, but does your daughter still feel it's her goal? I wonder if seeking a "leave of absence," even at this stage, would be worth looking into?

While people usually think of attending community colleges as a way to obtain an associate's degree, or to transfer to a 4-year program, it's important to know that the "reverse" may also be an option. Where I live, the local community college will also admit students who have attended other community colleges, as well as 4-year schools, but who have not received their degrees. Their prior transcripts can be evaluated and then credits given towards the associate's degree. Each community college may have their own stipulations (ie, maybe a certain number of credits have to be earned at their school) but I'd definitely advise looking into it. Your daughter sounds like she could benefit from being at home right now, and if she was able to complete some kind of associate's or certification program, perhaps as a nurse's aide or in early childhood education, she could still obtain some kind of job that would allow her to use her strengths and become more self-sufficient.

[dw]

Hugs, Babette.
My dtr with inattentive ADHD benefitted from several interventions.
She says Cogmed helped her the most, by improving her working memory, and consequently, helping executive functioning. She is doing a Cogmed refresher course 4 years after the original course.
ADHD college coaching helped organize her work. First meeting and working with the ADHD coach at Landmark college, then talking to the coach by skype twice a week when she transferred to another college for two more years was a needed support. ADHD academic coaches know the difficulties people with ADHD face, and it was invaluable.
She also played computer games offered (for a price) by Brain HQ by Posit Science corporation. We, the aging parents, started doing the games in the hopes of staving off our own cognitive decline. Many of the games focus on executive functioning, working memory, and visual spatial skills. Our dtr kind of made fun of us, and called Brain HQ "the old people's program."
For some reason, which I cannot remember, lol, one day while visiting us, the dtr tried the "old people's program" games, and then we could not get her off the computer. She had to get her own version, and says that the öld people's program"also helped her quite a bit.

At Landmark College, it is not uncommon for students to be in their mid and late 20's. The oldest student in my dtr's time was 32, who all the students affectionally called "Äunt." Many of the students had less than successful times at other colleges, many trials, and at graduation, we heard 70 of the most inspiring stories, as each student had 5 minutes to tell their own stories.
It helped me so much discussing things with the geniuses here, and the counselors at Landmark college were so encouraging. If your dtr would even consider coaching, perhaps the staff at Landmark could suggest ADHD coaches. I believe they also work on life skills once the student is out of school. One source for ADHD coaching is the Edge Foundation.

[babette]

Many thanks for your responses. I forgot to mention what is likely the most important aspect of this scenario: my daughter is *finally* reaching out to professors, disability services and, yes, she sees a therapist and a psychiatrist. She remains non-compliant with meds but even though it's been a struggle (and seeing the pain over several years has been the source of my pain), she's sticking it out. She's determined. What I should have included was that she has grit, to use the cliche. I guess I'd better spend more time looking at the positive here. When I wrote the above post, having just returned from a weekend with her and was pretty down. Time for mom to separate her problems from daughter's.

[kewpie]

Hugs Babette,

Your daughters problem is not that uncommon. I heard stories like this at transitions seminars when my kids were in high school so I resolved that I would encourage them to go to community college first and it was the right thing to do.

My sons have had problems even in community college with uneven academics or various failures, and anxiety. So far the thing the program that really turned things around for us was the Arrowsmith Program www.arrowsmithschool.org/.

My oldest who had severe learning and language disorders and could not succeed in traditional college classes has now gone back to community college and been able to write papers, take tests, present projects with new found confidence. His goal is to become a special ed teachers aide and should complete his certificate program by December 2016. In my heart, I would love him to pursue a bachelors degree but I think he is tired of school and getting out and working would be good for him.

My younger son has a great IQ scores but his executive functioning issues (organizing, getting work done in a timely manner etc) eventually knocked him out of the game because he could not pass the college level academic writing class after 2 tries. EF affects writing skills big time. If you can't organize your life, how can you organize an essay? He just finished his first year of Arrowsmith. Arrowsmith diagnosed him with a severe deficit in logic skills and he conquered this deficit in one year moving to above average. Hopefully, he can attend 1 more year and go back to school after that.

Another mom I know just had to pull her son out of a UC for problems very similar to your daughter.
I have a hypothesis that for many kids with LD, the transition to college AND trying to adjust to a new living situation is just too overwhelming for them to take on at once.

[bros]

Would it be possible for her to get a neuropsychological evaluation? Either through the university or through a doctor paid for by your insurance?

[healthy11]

I'm pretty sure Babette's daughter is over age 26, so she's probably not on her family's insurance anymore, but the suggestion about getting an updated evaluation through her college could be worthwhile. (Then again, since she's apparently still seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist, it's surprising they haven't already identified the reason behind her extreme weight gain, be it depression or something else.)

[babette]

I'm so grateful for everyone's responses. A few specifics: yes, my dd is 27. We live in MA so she has MassHealth which is surprisingly good! Her psychiatrist, talk therapist and pcp all take it and there is no co-pay since *she* is so poor. She has signed a FERPA release, but only for school personnel. She's pretty adamant about wanting boundaries between us and her therapist.
She had her "adult" neuropsych several years ago and the therapist who administered it stated that she should be able to do college work with support. Re: community college, dd took a couple of years to live in the city with friends and took a few classes at a cc. It was tough going there, but her grades were good enough for her to transfer to a 4 year college. I'm just happy she had those 2 years living with friends/having a social life and so much independence in the city!

The thing is: she has worked SO hard for this and yes, it is hard on her as I can see but I don't think encouraging her to leave school now is wise. It will mean so much when she gets that piece of paper! Even if she never gets a job in her field, she will have a college education and that's what we wanted for her w/out a nod to any specific major. Her developmental style has always been "very slowly, then all at once" so I don't see why this should be any different! I think I need to remind her that if the going does get too rough, we're here if she needs us. She's heard that all along, but maybe it's time to tell her again.

Thanks again to one of the very best places online!

[healthy11]

Babette, has your daughter ever explained why she won't take medication that doctors have prescribed for her? While that is a major stumbling block, and likely frustrating to her psychiatrist/therapist as well, your daughter's perseverance towards her schoolwork is commendable. Since money and time don't seem to be limiting factors, it sounds like your daughter will eventually earn enough credits to get her degree. Nevertheless, what concerns me the most is that your recent visit with your daughter revealed a total lack of basic hygiene. Did you mention it to her when you saw her?

You mentioned that she enjoyed having friends and a social life while attending a community college, so I'm guessing she took personal care of herself then, as far as bathing, etc. I'm not clear if you think that her current attitude towards her health (not even brushing her teeth, excessive weight gain) is intentional, or if she's totally unaware of what she's doing? Is it possible that she had some kind of break-up with a good friend at some point, and is now fearful/avoiding getting involved with other people her own age by creating a less-desirable appearance? Does she have a roommate at her 4-year university? Does she belong to any club, or have any social interaction with peers, besides seeing fellow students in her classes? What kinds of activities did she used to like to do for enjoyment? Everyone needs to have some kind of outlet from sitting alone, trying to study all day.

I realize your daughter is 27, but you've known her many more years than the therapist, so even if your daughter won't give him/her a signed release to talk to you, you can still send a letter to her therapist, expressing your concerns and observations. If your daughter was "holding it together on her own" there would be no need, but because she's not even managing her personal hygiene, I think it's serious enough to get involved.

[babette]

Hi Healthy -- Our daughter refuses to explain her inconsistency with meds. I have to accept that this is just the way she is and I have absolutely 0 power over it at her age and stage. Hygiene was often a problem but dealt with fine for the years she lived at home. I think the dynamic is no meds -> gets behind in schoolwork -> "too late or too busy" to shower -> "mañana." Then the next day comes, she's up and running late, no meds and the whole thing starts again. As for the overeating, she was lean and athletic (so much for nvld dx!) in hs, now no meds = no impulse control, running late, grabs junk.
It's a real mess and the day has to come where I let go. Not give up. Let go. She knows I'm concerned, she insists she's not depressed just very very driven to get things done. And she makes promises...

The really politically incorrect thoughts (never statements) I carry are that when she was thin and in HS she was beautiful. As in "have you thought of modeling" beautiful. Now I don't recognize her, no men
recognize her (boy was THAT different a few years ago). Body positivity is one thing, but this is entirely different.

Yes, I have written to other therapists, will write to these. I'm a therapist myself for what that's worth. UGH.

Thanks all for listening especially to my confessions.. :-(

[healthy11]

It's okay to "vent" ~ we all "have our days."

I still feel as if being a caring parent is THE MOST CHALLENGING role anyone can undertake. Although my own son, 26, graduated and has been supporting himself financially for the past 3 years, he is far from "mature," especially emotionally. My husband and I seldom hear "good" news/stories from him, yet he doesn't hesitate to contact us when he's having difficulties, whether it involves his work, his house, his dog, his girlfriend (who supposedly majored in psychology to better understand her family's depression, but who seems to have issues of her own) or any other problems. It was getting to the point where I dreaded answering the phone, for fear of another health crisis (typically concussions after motorcycle accidents...after his 3rd one, he's reluctantly decided to switch to a hobby of racing cars, instead.) He's got dyslexia and combined-type ADHD, with a preference to "be on the go" even though he's not a child anymore. (In his case, the hyperactivity hasn't disappeared.) Part of me keeps wondering if he's ever going to really "grow up," but for now, all any of us can do is take things "one day at a time." Hang in there!

[babette]

Great Big Hug, Healthy!

[healthy11]

Thanks ~ this week (so far) has been relatively calm as far as my son goes, so I'll send the hug, along with wishes for a good summer, back to you and your family. (And keep the other suggestions from dw and Kewpie and bros in mind, too, if your daughter is open to trying them.)