Post by dw on Jun 22, 2016 5:32:18 GMT -5
Parenting gurus for young adults, and other wise and interested readers, please feel free to offer your advice!
I have a friend whose dd was born in 1988. At the age of 1.5-2 years, the dd became a whirling dervish. She ran, she was full of energy, she did dangerous things, like run out of the backyard with no clothes on and down the busy street, much faster than her mother could run. She climbed up high on furniture, and laughed defiantly when stopped. She was strong, and pulled other children's hair and laughed while she pulled harder and her friend screamed in pain. She never accepted "no"or rules, and was only quiet when asleep. At school, however, the girl was a model student, never misbehaving, and she excelled in school.
This girl's mother and father and I attended a parenting group run by a student of Rudolph Dreikurs, student of Alfred Adler. Our parenting teacher taught natural and logical consequences. But, try as she might, repeatedly, these parenting techniques did not work with this defiant, hyperactive girl. My friend, the girl's mother, immigrated from Asia in her 20's. She grew up in a war torn country, abandoned by her father, with her mother struggling to survive. My friend did not know how to handle her dd. She resorted to spanking. This girl, delightful as she was infuriating, did not seem afraid of being spanked. The girl's mother sometimes felt exhausted, and sometimes had to retreat to her bed with migraines.
In high school, the girl could not concentrate and her parents took her to a psychiatrist who prescribed ADHD medication. Surprise, the girl had combined type ADHD. She had a neurological condition, that caused her early hyperactivity and seemingly fearless defiance. The defiance of rules and other typical teenage things followed in high school, that really emotionally traumatized the girl's mother, including two very dangerous ETOH poisonings. Many people advised the parents to lock the girl out of the house, as was common advise then based on the inappropriate application of AA philosophy, called "Tough Love." But the girl's parents could not abandon her, and resigned themselves to whatever she did. They did find a mentor for the girl, who kept the girl busy after school most nights of the week through a job, and this saved the girl's life.
Now, the girl is a successful young adult, sensitive to the needs of children. One can only be thankful that she survived her adolescence. She wanted to talk to me about the physical abuse she suffered at her mother's hands as a young child. She feels deeply hurt that she was physically disciplined, and she wants her mother to apologize, but the mother, who has not even gotten over the trauma of the adolescence parenting, can barely cope with the demand to apologize.
I can see both sides, as the girl has asked me if I remember her spankings. No, I never witnessed any physical abuse, and was never told about it. But I remember how defiant this girl was, and I think I might have resorted to spanking, too.
Nowadays, if one's child is diagnosed with hyperactive ADHD and has access to good medical and psychological care, there are whole parenting programs devoted to this type of parenting. Russell Barkley, the ADHD expert, and his colleagues, have numerous books published about parenting defiant and hyperactive children, done evaluation studies of their techniques, and the techniques provide improved outcomes, help prevent conduct disorder, and help prevent criminal behavior. Even treating with ADHD medication earlier in childhood has been shown to decrease drug abuse. But this information was not available widely in the 1980's and 1990's.
Of course, the girl/now young woman, has no insight into what a challenging job it was to parent her. She only feels the negative emotions and hurt from the physical discipline. It is likely she will never understand her mother's point of view unless she becomes a parent of a hyperactive defiant child, which one hopes would not happen. But as these hyperactive ADHD has a strong genetic component, at least there is much more knowledge and many more tools for parents to cope now.
Any comments will be appreciated if you care to share. Thanks.
I have a friend whose dd was born in 1988. At the age of 1.5-2 years, the dd became a whirling dervish. She ran, she was full of energy, she did dangerous things, like run out of the backyard with no clothes on and down the busy street, much faster than her mother could run. She climbed up high on furniture, and laughed defiantly when stopped. She was strong, and pulled other children's hair and laughed while she pulled harder and her friend screamed in pain. She never accepted "no"or rules, and was only quiet when asleep. At school, however, the girl was a model student, never misbehaving, and she excelled in school.
This girl's mother and father and I attended a parenting group run by a student of Rudolph Dreikurs, student of Alfred Adler. Our parenting teacher taught natural and logical consequences. But, try as she might, repeatedly, these parenting techniques did not work with this defiant, hyperactive girl. My friend, the girl's mother, immigrated from Asia in her 20's. She grew up in a war torn country, abandoned by her father, with her mother struggling to survive. My friend did not know how to handle her dd. She resorted to spanking. This girl, delightful as she was infuriating, did not seem afraid of being spanked. The girl's mother sometimes felt exhausted, and sometimes had to retreat to her bed with migraines.
In high school, the girl could not concentrate and her parents took her to a psychiatrist who prescribed ADHD medication. Surprise, the girl had combined type ADHD. She had a neurological condition, that caused her early hyperactivity and seemingly fearless defiance. The defiance of rules and other typical teenage things followed in high school, that really emotionally traumatized the girl's mother, including two very dangerous ETOH poisonings. Many people advised the parents to lock the girl out of the house, as was common advise then based on the inappropriate application of AA philosophy, called "Tough Love." But the girl's parents could not abandon her, and resigned themselves to whatever she did. They did find a mentor for the girl, who kept the girl busy after school most nights of the week through a job, and this saved the girl's life.
Now, the girl is a successful young adult, sensitive to the needs of children. One can only be thankful that she survived her adolescence. She wanted to talk to me about the physical abuse she suffered at her mother's hands as a young child. She feels deeply hurt that she was physically disciplined, and she wants her mother to apologize, but the mother, who has not even gotten over the trauma of the adolescence parenting, can barely cope with the demand to apologize.
I can see both sides, as the girl has asked me if I remember her spankings. No, I never witnessed any physical abuse, and was never told about it. But I remember how defiant this girl was, and I think I might have resorted to spanking, too.
Nowadays, if one's child is diagnosed with hyperactive ADHD and has access to good medical and psychological care, there are whole parenting programs devoted to this type of parenting. Russell Barkley, the ADHD expert, and his colleagues, have numerous books published about parenting defiant and hyperactive children, done evaluation studies of their techniques, and the techniques provide improved outcomes, help prevent conduct disorder, and help prevent criminal behavior. Even treating with ADHD medication earlier in childhood has been shown to decrease drug abuse. But this information was not available widely in the 1980's and 1990's.
Of course, the girl/now young woman, has no insight into what a challenging job it was to parent her. She only feels the negative emotions and hurt from the physical discipline. It is likely she will never understand her mother's point of view unless she becomes a parent of a hyperactive defiant child, which one hopes would not happen. But as these hyperactive ADHD has a strong genetic component, at least there is much more knowledge and many more tools for parents to cope now.
Any comments will be appreciated if you care to share. Thanks.
