Gap year?

[healthy11]

vp4, a child's mental and physical and emotional health should never be ignored, but it's critical for parents to maintain their own health, too. I know you mentioned a potential job with a California tech firm. I don't know if a change is imminent, or if it would mean you would move or could telecommute, but in any case, I wouldn't delay seeing a professional to talk with.

In much the same way that empeg1 mentioned her daughter's friend who is 30 but successful and still watches Youtube, I can share that my son was at our house for Labor Day, and in many ways it reminded me of when he was in High School, with one important exception. He basically sat around watching Youtube videos, still mostly involving cars and motorcycles (now he even sends links to his dad of interesting things to view.) In addition, he had a steady stream of old high school friends come visit at our house. All of the kids are now over 21 and have graduated and are either working or in grad school, yet they seem happy to revert to their old ways whenever they can. My son is definitely the messiest, leaving dirty dishes and clothes in every room (though I wonder if the friends are lazier at their own parent's homes, and he's neater there?) My son also exhibits little patience and often speaks rudely, especially when I ask him anything, versus how he talks with his friends.

In spite of all that, I have to remember that life is full of "steps forward and back" and here's the exception I mentioned earlier: for as frustrating as my son can be, he became much more pleasant when he started asking us questions about a topic that HE was interested in. In this case, it was about how escrow accounts work, because he has made an offer on a house for sale in the town he works in. He was motivated to do it because of his love for cars and motorcycles, and his desire for having garage space to tinker in, which he can't get in an apartment. Granted, he's working in a town that has a very depressed economy and there are many foreclosed properties that he can get for a very reasonable price, but even he admitted that "he never imagined he'd be the first one of his friends to buy a place and look forward to settling down." (It still might not come to pass, because his offer hasn't been accepted by the seller yet, but again, the point is that when our kids find things THEY like, it can lead to some of the most unexpected outcomes. I can't wait to see how he maintains cleanliness in a house once it's his, versus ours!)

[healthy11]

This article is so pertinent to the situation you find yourself in, vp4:

www.huffingtonpost.com/michaelprice/parents-giving-advice_b_5695359.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592

It's by Michael Price, Entrepreneur and Author of "What Next? The Millennial's Guide To Surviving and Thriving in the Real World"

Why Today's Parents Have No Business Giving Their Kids Advice

The world isn't what it used to be. Prior to Generation X you could get and maintain a well-paying job and stay there for 20-40 years. Those days are long gone. As we move from one generation to the next, parents pass along life advice to their children hoping to inspire them to achieve what they did and more. That was the model for parenting and it worked up until now.

The problem is the world moves much faster nowadays.

One minute a college major is hot, then it's not. One minute a career field is flowing with opportunity, the next minute it is in total disarray. Thirty years ago a parent would love for nothing more than for their child to grow up and pursue a career as a lawyer or a doctor. Thirty years ago those careers were hot. They were well paying and prestigious. This isn't necessarily the case anymore. Government regulation has cracked down on many fields of litigation making it impossible to earn as much as lawyers once did. This of course hasn't stopped our college education system from lying about today's financial opportunity as a lawyer. Over the past few years, new attorneys fresh out of law school have been filing class-action lawsuits left and right against universities that have posted fraudulent claims of income opportunity and employment placement rates. As for the field of medicine, despite the fear of Obamacare deterring students from pursuing careers as doctors, medical school enrollment has seen record growth in the past two years. Unfortunately for these students, they will soon find out once they complete their residency that everything that made being a doctor prestigious and profitable 20 years ago is slowly but surely fading away.

When you consider how fast the world evolves nowadays, parents just simply have no business giving their kids life advice anymore. Parents of millennials and the new generation rising behind them have no idea what the future of tomorrow, much less the future 10 years from now looks like. Many parents live and operate within the false reality that they know what's best for their kids. They pressure their children to pursue the routes they chose in life.

The only person that knows what's best for your kids is your kids. That may sound like a radical and ridiculous idea but think about it.

If you're in your 40s or 50s today, your mother may have been a stay-at-home mom and your father likely had a job working in an industry that was somehow deeply tied to manufacturing, oil or energy. Those were the hot career fields 50 years ago. Can you imagine how far back in the stone age this country would be had Generation X and the Baby Boomers taken the advice of their parents and traveled down their path? We'd be stuck in 1965 and America wouldn't be the world leader it is today.

In thinking about my family history, I can reflect upon one of my grandfathers who was raised in a blue collar family. The morning after his high school graduation his father-figure told him to suit up and get ready for work. He was going to take him to get a job down at the local factory. My grandfather replied with a stern no. He immediately packed his bags, joined the navy, learned a skill and later became an executive of IBM. I could only imagine what my mother's life and my life subsequently would be like had my grandfather taken the life advice of his father-figure. It wouldn't be good. I can say that with certainty.

Whether you realize it or not you probably made decisions in your life as a teenager or a 20-something that your parents didn't agree with. They probably thought it was risky, but you might have taken the risk, and if you did it probably panned out for you in the long-run.

When I was a kid my parents helped guide me, but they never advised me of what to do with my life. They never pinpointed or even suggested an educational endeavor or a career field for me. They also never recommended I pursue a career because it was in "high-demand" or because "it paid well." This is why I have become the man I am today. The freedom and fear that comes along with pursuing your own path is what the American Dream was built upon. Great leaders have never been given a clear path to victory, so why then do parents of today falsely assume they know the path of success for their children?

Despite knowing that half of college students drop out of school their freshmen year, parents still push their kids to pursue a college degree even though there's a 50 percent chance their child isn't college-material. Despite the fact that the cost of college has increased 1,120 percent in the last 30 years, parents still encourage their kids to rack up thousands of dollars of student loan debt without the slightest reassurance that there's value in the money and time their child spent. I'm not necessarily saying your child shouldn't go to college, but what I am saying is to explore all avenues. Stop choosing college for your children by default.

Dear Parents of America, I love and adore you but you simply don't have the answers and it's ok to say so. It doesn't make you any less of a mother or father.

Many parents may hear my rant and retort by saying that "giving their kids advice and guidance is necessary to provide them with a solid foundation." A foundation based on what? Life in 1995? This rebuttal is a poor excuse provided by parents who are too afraid and too arrogant to simply say, "I don't know." "I don't know and I don't understand your generation. I don't know and don't understand the problems that will plague you, but it's up to you to figure it out." If parents would accept this mantra, they will give their children the freedom to be forward-thinking leaders best equipped to take on the challenges of tomorrow.

As a journalist, author, entrepreneur and outspoken thought-leader for Millennials and youth, I often receive emails from young people who are plagued with sorrow and confusion as they're being driven to pursue an education and career by their parents that they have no interest in. What is a life worth if it's spent living somebody else's dream?

The rules of the game have changed. Whether parents want to accept it or not, education and intellect no longer has the value it once did. There are high school kids and college dropouts earning a living on YouTube, Vine, and Instagram, playing practical jokes, posting make-up tutorials, and playing video games. Like it or not, that's the future, or at least a very large part of it. We are living through a resurgence of culture, entertainment, art, and creativity and it's going to handicap your children from being order-taking cubicle clones. Thank God! If you're preparing your kids for that life, think again. They'll never make it and by pushing them in that direction, you're going to destroy the one skill they must have in order to earn a living in the new economy. That skill is creativity. In grade school we slowly but surely crush creativity and replace it with conformity. The ability to create something rather it's a product, service or a silly video on the Internet that makes people laugh is valuable, and nowadays you can earn a living doing it.

It's time to completely re-think everything. We have to go back to the drawing board, because the old way of doing things no longer works. The days of sitting your sons and daughters on your lap and giving them a stern lesson about the complexities of life no longer matter, because that was your life, not theirs. The days of going to college, getting a good job and doing just enough to get by for 40 years is also over. If you love your kids and want the best for them, stop giving them advice and stop guiding them. Let them guide themselves. If you've instilled values, integrity and a strong work ethic, they will find their way.

[vp4]

Update - things aren't so good at the moment. His mother rejected gap year idea when it was brought up in divorce mediation. I am going to talk with my son about it (at the right time in future) and see what he says. It appears that my son blames me for the divorce and won't even answer my calls while at dorm. While I am pissed, I have kept quiet and am hoping things will blow over. Looking for family therapist for him and I.

[healthy11]

Divorce is rarely a smooth process, and trying to rationalize with teenagers (even neurotypical ones) who have hormonal and emotional swings is seldom easy, either. We're sorry you're dealing with both issues right now, but hope that by seeing a family therapist, you will soon be able to ease some of the tension in your relationship with your son.

[healthy11]

Here's an article that points out how taking a "gap year" is now seen as valuable for many young people:
www.yahoo.com/katiecouric/the-gap-year-is-not-just-for-rich-kids-anymore-143515988.html

Abby Falik, founder and CEO of Global Citizen Year, has made it her life’s mission not just to make gap years more common but also to make them more accessible.

[fc11]

Hi Healthy,

I agree as in my DD's case...She is technically not doing a "gap year", but an PG as in my other thread, but one main reason I decided to let her do the PG as you mentioned in the other post that it may be better as she did not know what she wanted to do..(something along this line)..when I went back and forth, that comment always came back to me..so far, one month into the school year, we believe we have made the right decision...I can see the maturity...and believe that she is better prepared for college... thank you.

[healthy11]

Kids all mature at different rates, but those with ADHD/Executive Functioning issues are known to lag behind their peers. Time can definitely help.

impactadhd.com/overcome-school-challenges/the-link-between-brain-maturity-academic-success-with-adhd/ states,

"For years, clinicians in the ADHD community debated if a link existed between a child’s brain development and performance in school. In fact, poor performance in school was believed to be nothing more than laziness, basically a character flaw — something that children would outgrow with time. But Dr. Russell Barkley’s research debunked this myth and brought awareness to the misunderstood issue of delays in executive functioning and it’s profound impact on students’ ADHD. Then in 2007, Dr. Phillip Shaw, a NIH researcher, confirmed that children with ADHD had a three-year delay in brain maturation.

Barkley added to this awareness of brain involvement by reporting that children with ADHD have a 30 percent developmental delay in executive skills such as self-management, organization, awareness of time, and control of emotions than their peers. This explains why children who are chronologically older still struggle with impulsive tendencies and limited working memory, far beyond what we might anticipate for students that age...."

Read the full article by Chris Dendy at the link listed above.