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Post by teacherabc on Aug 12, 2014 17:23:38 GMT -5
Sorry, Healthy 11--I am not sure how to change the name of the other thread.
While we have made progress on the application for Fountain House, other things have gone south. We have not been getting along (more so than normal). He has been saying to anyone who listens that he wants to do the incompletes and he can't do them when he is alone in his house. He comes here, which is fine. However, I have told him it isn't okay when he doesn't show up or shows up late or then shows up and doesn't do anything. Once I just turned him away. He showed a little progress but then backtracked. In his mind, I am the bad guy, though and this past week, I have had nothing but muttering and comments basically saying everything (meaning us not getting along) is all my fault and he only showed up today because otherwise he would get bitched at.
I took a little breather in the other room to get my thoughts together and told him that I thought it would be a good idea to take a breather and not see each other and during that time, he should attempt to do the work on his own. I was very calm. I also said that he needs to be careful with money because we weren't going to give him any extra this month (the fact that we do is my husband, not me) because he needs to figure out how to live within his means. While saying he agreed with the break, he still kept making comments and muttering, putting me down.
BUT, and here is what else is happening. He finally talked to his psychiatrist today (he had come from his appointment) about getting mood meds. The doctor gave him Buproprion because it is the only thing he won't have to fight with insurance company about. He knew HP still had some Adderall and told him that he can't take them anymore. So, HP was sitting here talking about how we wasn't going to stop the Adderall. He was also saying that he thought Robin Williams had the right idea...We agreed not to communicate for at least a week. I tend to think HP was saying these things just to get at me...What do others think?
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Post by healthy11 on Aug 12, 2014 17:35:52 GMT -5
If you want to change the title of one of your threads, go to your initial post, and over on the upper right side you should see some boxes that say "Quote" and "Edit" and then a picture of a "thumbs up," etc. You should click on the one that says "Edit." Then you can modify your prior post (in your case, the Subject line.) When you're done, click on the little box in the lower right side that says "Save Changes." Then they should appear.
As far as HP's comment about Robin Williams, I would definitely contact his psychiatrist and ask if they discussed the incident. (I wouldn't expect the psychiatrist to actually tell you what they discussed, but it's a way of expressing your concern that HP brought up the topic and said he thought suicide could be the right idea.)
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Post by eoffg on Aug 13, 2014 6:30:06 GMT -5
It appears to me that he is making everything your fault, to avoid taking personal responsibility?
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Post by michellea on Aug 15, 2014 9:11:14 GMT -5
teacherabc - taking a breather sounds like a healthy choice for all involved. I would be worried about the Robin Williams comment and would let the psychiatrist know. You do not have to do anymore than that.
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Post by teacherabc on Aug 17, 2014 17:39:11 GMT -5
I did so, and I suggested to him that we take a breather for a week and I haven't seen him or been in any communication with him since Tuesday.
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Post by teacherabc on Dec 21, 2014 22:40:33 GMT -5
We are in a holding pattern: sort of...He is on a break from school, trying to make up the incomplete. He is trying different meds for depression; they are interfering with sleep but he is dealing with the therapist with it.
The opportunity presented itself for him to look after a dog for a week. A teacher I used to work with who lives near me had a dog sitter who fell through, and needs a replacement. If something happened, I could do it. But when I texted HP, he was all over it and the guy with the dogs knows who HP is (he worked there when HP is a student) and is okay with it. I have seen HP interact with animals and think he would be great. Keeping my fingers crossed. HP will be getting the keys on Christmas Eve when he is coming to bake a cake with my husband (the fact that he is doing that...small steps...).
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Post by healthy11 on Dec 21, 2014 23:38:07 GMT -5
The fact HP's still seeing the therapist is encouraging. Your mentioning the dog reminded me of a former neighbor, who was a war veteran...I don't know his "official" diagnosis, but he didn't work on a regular basis; I suspect he had PTSD as a minimum, and was on disability. Anyway, he had quite a bit of difficulty relating to other people until he got a dog, but having one really seemed to improve his overall well-being, as well as his interactions with people around. Hopefully, HP will also have a positive experience with pet-watching.
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Post by teacherabc on Dec 22, 2014 17:48:51 GMT -5
Actually, it is better than it sounds. His old therapist left and he got a new one. He has a much better rapport with the new one; he said that for the first time, it doesn't feel like he is being made to go to therapy.
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Post by teacherabc on Mar 1, 2015 22:45:54 GMT -5
Lots of new developments. After the beginning of the year, HP went upstate to visit friends. We had a bit of a falling out because of various things. When he came back a few days ago, he had a plan. He is going to go back upstate to live. His friends, a couple with a baby on the way, just moved to a new house in Syracuse. They have a spare room and he is going to live there. The friend works in a factory and HP is going to try to get a job there or at a different factory through a temp agency. One of the friend's mom lives up there and can help him navigate what he needs to do to settle in up there. I am thinking that this may not be a bad idea, although I am feeling sad.
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Post by michellea on Mar 2, 2015 8:53:45 GMT -5
It sounds like HP is taking steps toward independence. Hopefully he is ready, but without trying, who will know? And, it sounds like he has some sort of support structure available. I hope it works.
The situation must be bittersweet. He has been such a large part of your life for many years and now there will be a vacant space left in his absence. Hugs to you and all you have done to keep him safe and moving forward these years.
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Post by healthy11 on Mar 2, 2015 9:26:28 GMT -5
Does HP still take medication? I sincerely hope that he is able to find and establish good rapport with a new Dr. and a therapist in his new location, so that he doesn't regress. He will likely still need your assistance, especially in the short term with regards to handling important paperwork/mailing changes, such as his banking and disability matters. No matter what, be sure to take care of yourself, too. How is your daughter these days?
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Post by teacherabc on Mar 2, 2015 18:33:21 GMT -5
He is still taking medication. And yes, that is a concern. I emailed him a list of clinics in Syracuse and I hope that the girl's mom can help him navigate that. The good thing is that he will be in Syracuse rather than a little town an hour and a half away and there should be more options. He will stay linked to our bank account until he opens one up there and gets help with switching things over. We are also keeping him on our phone plan. As for my daughter, she is doing well, although school has been challenging for her. She is waiting to hear back from grad schools in Texas, Colorado and Ohio. So, we may have a real empty nest. . She had a serious boyfriend earlier this year but he was in West Point and graduated and went off to do his thing and they couldn't handle the distance. She had some heart break but has moved on now. So all is good. I am very overworked, having been programmed for four English classes (and one history)--four different books, currently four different writing assignments and a coteacher who does not know what he is doing for two classes and it would be easier for me to just teach the classes...Sigh.
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Post by healthy11 on Mar 2, 2015 18:52:30 GMT -5
Although having to set up curriculum plans for four different teaching assignments does sound demanding, it's good to have things to do to keep your mind off of HP's situation. As far as my son goes, his girlfriend of 6+ years, since H.S., broke up with him a few months ago. I was very concerned about how he'd handle it, but rather than ruminate on the past, he decided to adopt a dog for companionship. It's been quite a "learning experience" for him, and I think it's been helpful in teaching him to have more patience, etc. (I hope it translates into more tolerance of humans, too!)
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Post by teacherabc on Mar 2, 2015 19:31:14 GMT -5
It is not just the setting up the plans (plus modifications) but we split grading as well. Plus with the teacher who doesn't know what he is doing, I am doing a lot more of what he should be doing (I set up all of the assignments in the grading system--I put in most of the grades and I have to badger him to put in what he has, and I do some of the original lesson plans because he doesn't do things to scaffold writing...).
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Post by teacherabc on Apr 5, 2015 20:00:04 GMT -5
We just returned from taking HP upstate to Syracuse where he has decided to relocate. His friends up there have factory jobs and that is what he is planning to do for at least a while. It was really hard to leave him there without saying anything. Where he is is not that near the bus (at least he has a bike) and he is staying with a couple who are about to have a baby. The young man seems fine, and I have met him once before, but the girl seems strange. The house is ramshackle and smells of their two dogs. The boy works a factory job but the girl isn't working, tried to get on public assistance and couldn't. I worry about the economic viability of this arrangement. The girl's mom has offered to help him look for a new apartment when he wants to but has already said that her daughter and boyfriend can use his money. I couldn't say anything or do anything. So, my husband and I just hugged him and left.
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Post by healthy11 on Apr 5, 2015 22:37:57 GMT -5
((Hugs)) I can certainly understand your concerns about the situation HP is going into, as well as the "empty nest" kind of feelings that you must be having, given how many years you've been helping HP. On one hand, it's encouraging to hear that he's taking steps to find a job, but I hope he's not moving away from his own dysfunctional mother and stepping into another dysfunctional family. I'm not sure if he's agreed to still have you involved in helping oversee his bank account and other "legal" matters, but I have a sense that no matter what, he'll probably still keep in touch, especially if things aren't working out as planned. (My own son still calls us more when he's having "issues," than at times when things are going well. And from what I can tell, more and more unrelated young adults are opting to share housing costs...my son has one guy living with him now, and he just told us that some female intern from his company is going to move into another room in his house for the summer, plus my son has his big new dog...)
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Post by teacherabc on Apr 6, 2015 7:20:08 GMT -5
It is not him living with an unrelated person--he did that in New York and I helped him do it. I expect that these days, when housing costs are so high (not to mention he has little money). It is that going into a situation where there are already financial problems (the girl tried to get public assistance and was found ineligible) and mom already had to help out with the rent, they are about to have a baby, and the place is somewhat squalid--run down, smells, etc., gives me a lot of trepidation. As for the bank account, right now, he still has it with ours, but eventually he intends to change it and then he will be on his own. While I am sure he will ask me questions, he seems to intend to rely on the mom of the girl he is rooming with, whom I did not meet.
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Post by healthy11 on Apr 6, 2015 17:32:47 GMT -5
I'm not sure what else to say, other than we hope, along with you, that everything will work out for all involved. (Especially the baby, who didn't get a "voice" in saying what kind of situation he/she is getting into.)
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Post by michellea on Apr 7, 2015 7:44:46 GMT -5
This situation does sound a bit shaky. HP often seems to be torn between making it on his own and accepting needed help from those he can trust. My sense is that he has a burning desire to be independent, but lack of skills, maturity and reasoning to be successful at it. Most likely he feels he can get help from this girl's mom with few strings attached - thus preserving the illusion of independence. I know the situation is not what you hoped for him, teacherabc, but you are doing the right thing by letting him go but being there for him in the wings should he ask.
Healthy - I agree - poor unborn child. While the parents may be able to give love, it sounds like there will be many struggles for some other basic needs.
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Post by teacherabc on Apr 8, 2015 5:40:33 GMT -5
I am doing the right thing...perhaps but it doesn't feel this way...He told me that he intends to find new mental health services up there, and Syracuse is a big enough city to do that. However, he had his own concerns about starting over with a new therapist and this is his current mood: "i feel like some of you try to play me like i'm some f..... idiot who can't see through the veil and break the facade and see you for who you really might be..... It's amazing how fickle my mood can be..... One second i'm all giddy and s....... The next, i'm filled with self loathing and the un-shakable notion that i'm only wanted around to be used and that minimal attention is enough to keep me from suspecting something is afoul.....TAKE ME AWAY FROM ALL OF THIS.... I want to escape...."
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Post by teacherabc on Apr 8, 2015 5:41:16 GMT -5
I forgot the word "permanently" at the end.
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Post by healthy11 on Apr 8, 2015 21:43:24 GMT -5
It certainly sounds like HP needs to establish a relationship with a therapist sooner rather than later..I wonder if he thought to ask his prior therapist if that guy might know of someone to refer him to in the new location?
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Post by kewpie on Apr 9, 2015 10:45:08 GMT -5
>My sense is that he has a burning desire to be independent, but lack of skills, maturity and reasoning to be successful at it.<
This lack of executive functioning is heartbreaking because the person knows there is something amiss but they can't fix it and people around them get irritated and the person is irritated at them-self. Its a vicious cycle because the person does not KNOW WHEN they need help, let alone when to ask for it.
All the accommodations in college cannot fix this. I have found this out with my boys as they attempt stumble thru higher learning. This killed my dd in middle school. This is why one of my ds' friends committed suicide.
IMHO. I have found that the Arrowsmith program actually develops EF skills. It has been the saving grace for my dd. My oldest ds is finishing his 2nd year and I hope to send my middle ds next year.
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Post by teacherabc on Sept 2, 2015 22:03:47 GMT -5
Update: HP still flailing. He relocated to Syracuse months ago on the promise of friends helping out...hasn't panned out. He hates his situation. He is currently looking into trying to secure a position through Americorps. My daughter, who graduated college in May, was looking for a breather for a year or two before grad school. She had a summer position through Americorps and is about to leave for a year to St. Louis to do environmental work. Meanwhile, HP is here in NYC--he came to care for our pets while we were on a well deserved vacation abroad and is almost done with the Americorps app which he will out in before he leaves tomorrow. Keeping fingers crossed. I don't care what he does--they have positions building houses and tutoring for people with Associates' degrees--or where--as long as he does something. I taught summer school--which was awful until the first check came yesterday, and am about to start back on Tuesday for the fall.
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Post by healthy11 on Sept 3, 2015 8:25:27 GMT -5
Glad to hear your daughter is doing well. Did HP ever get any kind of job when he was in Syracuse?
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Post by teacherabc on Sept 3, 2015 9:02:05 GMT -5
Nope. He only managed to get as far as connecting himself to the ACCESS-VR office up there and they haven't gotten back to him yet.
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Post by kewpie on Sept 3, 2015 9:52:20 GMT -5
Thank you for the update. I am sorry things did not work out for him. He needs a very structured environment and that is hard to find.
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Post by teacherabc on Sept 3, 2015 14:56:12 GMT -5
The encouraging thing is that he already got a reply from an organization in Delaware where they build houses for the homeless.
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Post by healthy11 on Sept 3, 2015 15:43:10 GMT -5
I'm not sure how he got the offer, if he hasn't completed his Americorps applications, but that's a positive development. How soon can he accept and start? (Do they provide room & board while he's working there?)
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Post by teacherabc on Sept 4, 2015 7:03:05 GMT -5
He did complete the application, albeit grumbling all the way. Most provide room and board and a stipend. Ideally, he would love to be able to start about October 1. He would have to put some of his stuff into storage and then pack up and go.
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