A book I am reading: When Parents Hurt

[dwolen]

I am reading a very helpful self-help psychology book, "When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies when you and your grown child don't get along" by Joshua Coleman, copyright 2013.
Well, I am obligated to no longer share the details about my personal parenting relationship, but this book has taught me a ways to regain some sanity.
If any of you with adult children are in a difficult position in your relationship, check out this book.
Of course, I truly hope all of you do not need such a book! But if I were the only parent on earth in this position, there would not have been a market for this book.

[healthy11]

dwolen, thank you for mentioning the above resource. As you know, my son and I have never seen "eye to eye," but my husband has been a pretty good intermediary. Still, the situation is frustrating for me, so I'll have to see if our library has a copy of the book.
(Our son came home for the long Thanksgiving weekend, and in many ways he acted as if he was still in high school, with dirty laundry and dishes strewn about, entertaining old friends, etc. My attempts to ask him about future goals like going for his Master's or attempting the Professional Engineering exam, were met with rude comments...so it goes...)

[dwolen]

Yes, I got this book at my local Evanston library. I feel so much happier from reading this book, and it is helping both my dh and I. I feel like this author knows us. One example he gives is that adult children who may have been born with a harder to cope with temperament, as they struggle in the word with this temperament, wish the parents had been able to make the world easier, less scary for them, or an oppositional child may wish the parents had been more patient. It also points out that though it seems like we coddle our children, there is also a lot of pressure on young folks to "snap out of it", "get over it," etc. regarding their childhood hurts and scars that their childhood struggles inflicted. But, the author points out, from the adult child's point of view, why should the adult child not have some time to grieve, mourn, feel angry, about their frustrating experiences growing up?
My favorite author, Doris Lessing, was over 90 years old and was still talking about the difficulties she had in coping with her mother when she was growing up in the African bush.
And I have to admit, I was not a perfect str to my mother and father. Sometimes my mom called me after weeks of my not calling her, and said, "This is your mother. Remember me?" I thought it was funny and pathetic at the time, and now I am in the same position! I am struggling not to be pathetic. What goes around comes around.

[healthy11]

dwolen, I realize every situation is different...ironically, I had a very close relationship with my mother, although my sister (a year younger than me) was always argumentative and rude to our mom. I now believe my sister has dysthemia (a mutual friend of ours told me; my sister didn't) but she has always been "difficult" to get along with. If I ask her personal questions, I'd be accused of being "nosey, and it's none of your business" but if I don't ask anything, I'm accused of being "cold and uncaring." It's a fine line. She is separated from her husband, and hasn't ever held a job for more than a year because she always is very critical of everyone, and "compromise" isn't a word in her dictionary. It's generally "her way or the highway." There are similarities I see with my sister and my son, and it concerns me a lot. (I hope I'm wrong, but only time will tell.)

[michellea]

A friend an I were talking about how it is sometimes difficult to deal with husbands, parents, children and I know that sometimes I am short tempered and defensive with relatives more than I am with friends. It can make for some hard feelings and arguments. As you say -
"if I were the only parent on earth in this position, there would not have been a market for this book.."

Life sure can be hard sometimes. I am glad that the book helps you feel more understood and less alone. I love it when I happen upon resources that can help me improve my perspective.

[kewpie]

This book sounds like a great resource. Thanks for posting.

[beth]

healthy,

One thought I had when I read your post is that you are in a future planning mode while your son is not. I suspect that is a persistent difference between the two of you. One thing I remember and have noticed with my 23 year old daughter is that the future is very anxiety producing for young adults. There are lots of decisions and not always the options they would like. I saw my dd get very edgy and snappy with my husband who was quizzing her about what she was going to do after she graduates from grad school in May. And they generally have a good relationship but he was very persistent when it was obvious (to me) that she did not want to talk about it.

Personally, I think it is better to wait for young adults to bring up such topics rather than asking them about it. When they are ready, they will talk.

My parents have been better parents of adult children than they were of us as young kids. One thing I see that they have done is never quiz us about what we're going to do while always being available. They help us think through the options without using the conversation as an opportunity to advance their point of view. I have been working hard at emulating them with my two oldest kids (20 and 23). It isn't always easy because I certainly have my point of view. But I wait until they ask and they do not always ask.

[healthy11]

beth, your observation about differences between my son and me when it comes to "thinking ahead" is very perceptive, and you're probably right about it being at the root of many tensions between us. My son has always seemed to "live in the moment," and while that may not be unusual for adolescents (especially ones with ADHD) he's definitely not a teen anymore.

Compounding our situation, I suppose, is the fact that both my husband and I also have engineering degrees, and we KNOW how pitifully little of the technical academic subjects that we were taught in school are actually used on most jobs. One quickly forgets all the calculus and thermodynamics equations and similar topics, yet that is precisely what a person is required to remember in order to pass their Professional Engineering Exam....It's critical to try and take the test sooner rather than later, if a person ever plans on passing it. Our son claims he spoke to his boss, and the guy said, "you don't need the P.E. to work here," but we're trying to point out that our son probably won't work for the same company forever. (On any given day, he already complains about how it's boring and he hates sitting at a desk so much, one of many in a sea of cubicles.) Obtaining his P.E. would actually open more "doors" and give him greater opportunity to work in different industries, like designing electrical systems for the building and construction trade, and not just working behind a desk all the time...although even our son admits the salary at the Fortune 50 company that he's presently at, coupled with being in a town with a lower-than-average cost of living, would be hard to match elsewhere.

[beth]

I agree with you and your husband that he ought to take the Professional Engineering exam now. It will give him the most flexibility for the future, as you suggest. The problem is you really can't get adults to do what they don't want to do. All you can do is try to get them to think through the situation by asking questions. Telling them what they do not want to hear makes them tune you out and in the long run harms the relationship. The truth is he may never take the exam and there is not much you can do about it.

[beth]

dwolen--I think some of the not calling is normal separation. It doesn't necessarily mean anything long term. I have seen many cases where young adults are doing their own thing and not connecting much with family but that changes as they get older.

I thought though that your insights that difficult children may wish their parents had been different was interesting. I can see my youngest (now 16) feeling that way about us. He has always been difficult and oppositional and not that easy to be around. I have a better relationship with him now than I ever have but his relationship with my dh is pretty tense. Looking back we let his older brother get away with too much with him (bully like behavior in retrospect) partly because he jerked our chain too. The biggest mistake we made was not to medicate him earlier. We did not see his symptoms as ADHD, since he was able to sit down and do his homework without problems.

But you know, we did the best we could with what we knew at the time. I am sure you did too. Parents aren't perfect and certainly I thought I would do better than I have. But I also thought I would have children that were easier to raise than I have.

[kewpie]

Healthy,
Are there any other younger engineers where your son works? We had a pretty large group here in my office who recently all passed the PE. They formed a study group and worked together. Here in California, they also have to pass a seismic test which can be quite difficult. At the very least, it would be great if your son could find a mentor who give better advice that the dork who said he doesn't "need" a PE to work there.
I review lots of engineering plans for our facility and nothing can be approved without that engineers stamp and signature.

[healthy11]

Kewpie, great suggestion, but unfortunately, it sounds like there aren't a lot of younger engineers around to form a study group with. There are some co-op students in his department, but they'll probably get their PE review when they go back to their respective universities. (My son had a chance to take a PE class during his last semester, but he was overwhelmed doing his senior project, and didn't sign up.) I'm honestly not sure if my son is even willing to study "academic" topics at the moment...he's talked about enrolling in a welding class at a community college, because that's related to his stronger interests in motorcycle and car repairs. (And what's also frustrating is that even if our son doesn't want to take his PE, he should probably start a Master's program, because his company is still one of the few that pays for it! We know we can't make him do it, but with his "live in the present" attitude, he doesn't even seem willing to consider it.)

[dwolen]

One of the most useful things I have learned from this book is that I have been looking for love from my child. I am trying to let go of the expectation that my child will love me, and this has helped me quite a bit. I can continue to love my child without receiving love in return. In retrospect, however, I cannot believe I did not learn or know this a long time ago!