IEP mtg emotions

[alyt]

I got back from my sons IEP meeting about an hour ago.

I kind of lost it in the meeting. I was constantly interrupted by the sped teacher....I just took my folder and put all my papers in it and shut it and clasped my hands on top of my folder. The sped assistant director knew I was upset and she said she didn't want to end the meeting on that note.

Now, I feel like a total fool. I also feel like 2 of the 3 teachers there feel like I want my child to fail. They just kept saying comments like, 'he can do this'....I know that! I just think he can do better. Unfortunately it appears that it came out like I think my son can't do anything.

The math teacher irritated me and that, I think, is what really set me off in the first place. He explained to me what spec ed isn't. It was made clear that I've been in IEP meetings for over 10 years with 2 different children. I know the psychologist and assistant director and they know my other kids because we openly talked about them. But, the math teacher had to tell me that the spec ed class isn't for 'homework' time and that is something that is expected to be done at home. And he said it in such patronizing way... I wanted to reach over and shake him.

I have to work from home the rest of the day with a deadline of midnight and I can't get the work done because I am full of emotions.... Anger, embarrassed, and more anger.

When I came on the forum I saw a thread with 'brown bag' in it and I thought...yes! I need a brown bag to breathe in!

Trying to deal with IEP meeting aftermath emotions. Anyone with some good ideas? I'd love to take a walk, but have Halloween to get ready for, pick up around the house, make dinner, and finish with some graphic design elements that are going live at midnight. A shot of tequila maybe?

[michellea]

alyt -

Maybe the goblins will help to distract you!! What you experienced is so very normal. I teach a workshop for parents about Basic Rights and I am an advocate. When I talk to parents I address the very real emotions that tend to take over at an IEP meeting. I share with them that I cry at almost every single one of my son's IEP meetings (he is in HS). Usually some emotion takes over - sadness, relief, anger, pride, mistrust, worry. Even happy emotions elicit tears. I It happens to almost everyone. I tell them that Next time, if you can have someone with you for moral support - a partner, friend, fellow sped parent, advocate it can help.

Hope venting here helps a bit and lessens the isolation that one can feel when dealing with IEP's. Happy Halloween!

[healthy11]

Alyt, I concur with Michellea ~ While I don't have the professional experience that she does as an advocate, I can definitely relate to the rollercoasters of emotion that are experienced around IEP meetings. You are not alone.
I'd like to attach some "Halloween smileys" that we used to have at Millermoms, but when the hosting group (Proboards) revised this site a few months ago, many of the cute icons were disabled. Nevertheless, I hope you do get to see some entertaining costumes once the kids start trick-or-treating. What are your kids dressing up as?

[dihicks6]

Sounds to me like the math teacher doesn't have a clue about educating kids with disabilities. Homework can most certainly be done at school, especially for kids with short-term memory issues or anxiety, etc. When I used to run into (usually new) people like that, I would zero in on them and use questions to make them look silly. And I enjoyed every minute of it, LOL! The meetings done, hopefully no damage was done, but always remember, if you're not satisified, request another meeting. Was the math teacher the required gen ed teacher at the meeting? Request he not be invited again. Enjoy your Halloween! You're paddling as fast as you can!!!

[alyt]

The kids went as ghoulish creations! They made up costumes and added fake blood to them, wore masks, made weapons out of cardboard...I loved watching them work and use their imaginations!

As the day wore on, I felt better. Venting here helped, just knowing someone somewhere could relate.

We didn't receive notification of who was going to be at the meeting (the special ed teacher left a voicemail on time and date) so we were surprised to see so many people there. His science/social/homeroom teacher; math teacher; Language Arts teacher; sped teacher; school psychologist; and Assistant sped director. My son isn't up for testing until April so I'm not sure why all the people. We did request the IEP meeting because we felt that he wasn't making progress.

We have a follow up meeting after they've written a new IEP up....So, we'll see...

You know, my husband sat right next to me and didn't say 'boo' or tap me on the knee when I was getting emotional. Kind of frustrated about that too.

And really...the worst thing is that my kids didn't get one Reese's Peanut Butter Cup for me to 'steal'! Not ONE!

[dihicks6]

Glad you enjoyed Halloween!

You did not receive a letter ahead of time (different states have different timelines) that listed who would be there, the date/time, etc.? If you did not, they are out of compliance.

Why are they developing the IEP without you? Did you feel you had enough input at the last meeting and do you think this input will be included in the revised IEP? I am puzzled as every IEP meeting I've ever attended, we would discuss specific changes to the IEP among the group. Did this happen at your meeting? And last but not least, what state are you in?

Some men hate confrontation and believe me, IEP meetings can be minefields!

[SharonF]

alyt--

My kids graduated years ago, yet reading your IEP meeting description brings back vivid (and unpleasant) memories.

The worst feeling may be the conflicting information you heard: that some teachers EXPECT your child to fail, yet keep telling you the child simply needs to try harder and he'll do fine.

Once the initial, intense emotions have passed, move into a pragmatic mode. What do you still have questions about? What didn't get resolved at the meeting? Did you request any changes or action that were ignored by the group or pooh-poohed? If so, write a letter asking for written clarification of what will change on his IEP and/or in his day-to-day education.

Sometimes when a parent requests an IEP meeting, I think they invite ALL of the child's teachers to make sure they all hear the parent's concerns and get a chance to take part in the dialogue. But other times, I think they invite a big group because it intimidates the parent. You're outnumbered, you feel overwhelmed, so they win.

Whatever their intent, remember that to them--it's just a job. Maybe they take their job very seriously and care a lot. Maybe not. But to you, it's your child. It's not just another IEP meeting. It's your child.

And a glass of wine (or tequila) was usually one of my coping mechanisms!

[alyt]

Nov 1, 2013 7:08:46 GMT -5 dihicks6 said:

Glad you enjoyed Halloween!

You did not receive a letter ahead of time (different states have different timelines) that listed who would be there, the date/time, etc.? If you did not, they are out of compliance.

Why are they developing the IEP without you? Did you feel you had enough input at the last meeting and do you think this input will be included in the revised IEP? I am puzzled as every IEP meeting I've ever attended, we would discuss specific changes to the IEP among the group. Did this happen at your meeting? And last but not least, what state are you in?

Some men hate confrontation and believe me, IEP meetings can be minefields!

Thank you for the support! It's been a week or so and I'm doing alright...feeling irritated - yes, foolish - no.

We didn't receive a letter ahead of time and when we said that in the meeting we were told this, "you should have". We still haven't received anything for that meeting, which I would like for my records. I'm pretty sure that was intentional. My son has had the same spec ed teacher for 3 years and she's never forgotten to give us the Notice of Team Meeting paper until now. This is also the first time we've called for a meeting because we didn't agree with what she was doing specifically. I also think that it was an intentional ambush. I was emailing the school psychologist about my 10th grader and getting him tested when the school psychologist wrote, "see you on Thursday". So, I only knew that he was going to be there because he happened to mention it and then I asked who would be at the meeting for my 5th grader and that's how we found out that the spec ed coordinator was going to be there. Yesterday we received my 10th graders GRAD test grade (passed!) and a Notice of Team Meeting for my 5th grader for the upcoming meeting on the 21st. Obviously someone from the team who works at the high school and elementary school sent that (either the psychologist or service coordinator). We will mention again that we never received the Notice of Team Meeting for the first meeting on 31-Oct and who is accountable for that.

My son was doing two different math curriculums and failing the math in the regular ed room. We didn't know that he was doing two curriculums until he told us about it. The spec ed teacher wasn't supporting what was taught in the reg ed math class, just sending my child to the computer to do another curriculum. When we asked about it we were told it was "scientific based" and if we didn't want him doing that we'd have to have a meeting. A couple of days later the sped teacher called me 5 times (I was at work and couldn't answer and instead of leaving a message she calls back until I answer) to tell me that 31-Oct at 8 am would work best for her to meet. So that's when we met.

At the IEP meeting the math teacher said, it's important to understand that the special education room isn't a resource room. It's not a place for a child to do homework in. We disagree. Since he struggles in math, he should be supported in the spec ed room with that curriculum, hence the resource room term. And if it's a homework (which this teacher gives a very large amount daily) why not go over that with my child to make sure that he understand the concepts? This boggles my mind. When my college aged son was in 5th grade he was in special education for his dyslexia and he used it as a resource room for upcoming projects and homework support. I understand that my son needs remediation, but teaching an 11 year old whole numbers and placement value when he already know it seems, well...stupid.

It was a long meeting and the spec ed coordinator said they would get together and put a new IEP together and we would meet again on the 21st. Of course new concerns have come up and I'm sure that it will be another long meeting. I'll start a new post in another forum so that I don't bog down this one.

[dihicks6]

Regardless if they send you any "results" from your IEP meeting, you need to document what happened at that meeting in writing. I call them Letters of Understanding as to what happened at the meeting. You need to include everything you can remember (and consider taping the next one), including the fact that you asked why you didn't get any official notice of this meeting. This letter will probably be the only way you can document who said what. Especially the resource room disagreement. I agree with you -- the sped teacher should be working in conjunction with the gen ed teachers, if you're sure your son doesn't have any gaps in his math foundation.

When you send your letter, include the fact that you will be taping the next one for clarification and the ability to go back over what was said and decided. I can tell you from personal experience, they tend to behave better when they're being taped, and also that anytime I rec'd the school's notes from an IEP meeting, they rarely described the meeting I attended.... that's why I sent my own letters. Comes in handy if you want to file state complaints, or even talk with your local state ed agency -- you have all the facts at your fingertips.

[alyt]

Thanks for the tips, dihicks6! I am writing down what I remember from the meeting on the 31st and I'm definitely taping the next meeting on the 21st.