Teaching teens independence?

[majorv]

I couldn't decide whether to put this here or under the college board...but he's not quite there yet.

So, where to start? I'm a little concerned about how well my 17 yo will do with independent living, when the time comes. I will give you some examples of what I'm talking about. This time last year we finally decided he was ready to get his driver's ed training. For the first week of the two week classroom phase my son insisted that I accompany him to the classroom door, and wait with him until the students could go in. He wanted me to be there when he came out, too. Once he found he knew a couple of kids he let me drop him off and pick him up outside. When he had a job interview at a fast food restaurant he insisted that I go with him. He actually wanted me to go in with him but I refused, and waited in the car. He is still like this...he dropped off an employment application where my daughter works. When we heard nothing, he wanted my daughter to check on it or have me go with him to follow up. He wouldn't call the personnel lady because he didn't know her and didn't know what to say. He is so unsure of himself and very timid in new situations. As a result, he is pretty naive in the ways of the world, so to speak.

I can't help but think that this is partially my fault because I was somewhat protective when he was younger. He's my youngest and has ADHD...he's always been immature for his age, too. But, I think also that his personality is more like mine. Maybe he'll get better as he gets older??? What can I do to help him along? Forcing him to do something like any of the above doesn't work...he just won't do it. Just before school let out he qualified for counseling at school for self-esteem issues and to improve his self-advocacy skills (which are very much lacking). I'm also counting on that help this school year.

[greenie]

We naturally are protective over our LD/ and or ADHD children. They are naturally a little less mature then their peers. I don't see anything wrong with helping your son do things he needs help with. I tell my 18 yo "what to say" all the time because his expressive language is poor, and it has helped him learn how to communicate better. There are certain things our kids need to learn before they fly the coup. Concentrate on those things. Make him do his own laundry from now on...(my kids learned that early and all our clothes go on a clothes line so if they are not dry...oh well) teach him how to cook, show him how to do a check book, praise him when he acts like an adult. Show him how to get "interviewing tips" on the internet. Let go more and more.

[greenie]

here is a publication about turning 18...maybe it will help. I found out that new experiences can really scare some kids and having an idea of what is expected from you as an adult can really help.
www.calbar.ca.gov/calbar/pdfs/publications/Becoming-18.pdf

I hope this helps:)

[teacherabc]

The kid I'm dealing with seems incapable of leaving a message. He will keep calling rather than leaving a message. He doesn't know what to say, even though we go over it and over it. Now he is being thrust into a brand new situation (residence hall) and he will have to figure out how to do things for himself. I am sure he will make mistakes. They all do but they are not life threatening. He is trying to get me to speak to the Disability Office person (which they will do if he signs a release). But I am trying to get him away from that. I told him he needs to talk to them first, find out what accommodations he has and then we can take it from there. He is lonely and isolated but he'll adjust. They will burn themselves, wash the clothes wrong...but they will learn.

[healthy11]

majorv, I don't think your son is typical of most teen ADHD'ers, at least not the ones who have the combined or hyperactive type of attentional issues. They tend to be more impulsive, and usually act before thinking of the consequences. My son thrives on new experiences, and hates "boring" routines. Your son is very thoughtful, to the point of sounding fearful of the unknown.
In any case, I do think that self-advocacy instruction that he'll be getting should help. In addition, to help him feel that situations aren't so unfamiliar, you might try to "role play" ways to handle different encounters. For example, since he dropped off the employment application where your daughter works, but didn't want to call to follow up because he wasn't sure what to say, you might give him direct instructions. Then have him practice, as if you were the personnel lady....
He could start with, "Hello, is Mrs. Smith available?" (assuming Mrs. Smith is the name of the personnel director)
Tell your son he might be put on hold for a short while...then you pretend you're Mrs. Smith and answer:
"This is Mrs. Smith."
Your son: "Hello. My name is Joe Jones. I saw a "help wanted" sign in your store window a few days ago, and submitted an application. I haven't heard anything back, and wondered if the position is still available." OR "Hello. My name is Joe Jones. My sister works in your store, and mentioned there was an opening. I submitted an application a few days ago, and wonder if the position is still available." (Basically, let him realize he needs to say who he is, and what he's calling about.)
Then you might pretend you're Mrs. Smith again: "I haven't had a chance to look at any of the applications yet, but I plan to do that next week, and will let you know." OR "I got quite a few applications for the position, and already hired someone, but I will keep your application on file for the future." OR "I was just about to call you for an interview." (You get the idea.)
Your son should then say, "Thank you."
If Mrs. Smith wants to set up an interview, it's okay to say "Let me get the calendar." (When my son got his first job interview, he flat-out said "Let me ask my mom about times, because she has the family calendar.") It was okay ~ the managers know they're dealing with kids. Reassure your son that they don't expect someone who is 17 to act like they're 27...it's through life experiences that people learn.

[bros]

Here are tips my therapist has given me to start out with:
1. Write down what you are going to say (and attempt to predict what they might say)
2. Practice the call before you do it. Roleplay with someone they trust

[majorv]

Yes, he is supposed to be doing his own laundry but hasn't done it hardly at all over the summer...I won't do it. He'll probably get better once school starts...he's FINALLY more aware of his appearance around other kids at school. I took him to open a HS checking account recently. I've taken him with me to the grocery store so he has learned how to select fruit/vegetables, meat, etc. He's limited in what he can cook, but I'm not worried about that. His issue is dealing with people and standing up for himself. By now, he should be taking an active role in his ARD meetings but he won't say more than two words unless someone asks him a question. I realized just recently that he has difficulty holding a conversation with more mature teens & young adults. My 19 yo, my son and their 28 yo cousin were talking and my son only contributed to the conversation a little, but both times his comments had nothing to do with the conversation. He wasn't on his meds at the time, and that might be part of it...he's supposed to be getting speech services at school for language, memory and processing deficits.

greenie, I looked at the pamphlet and it is very good! I may just show it to him a little at a time or he'll freak out and never want to move out, lol.

teacherabc, I know that even though yours and mine come from different backgrounds, they have some of the same issues. Mine doesn't want to go to college, but I realize that he will have his own set of problems in the working world.

[majorv]

bros/healthy, I've tried to help him some with what to say in certain situations. I just tell him what I think he'll need to say but it would be better if I role played with him first to make him feel more comfortable doing it. And YES, I would need to write it all down because he would forget what he's supposed to say! We could get through a phone call, but it wouldn't work for an in person conversation. Right now, he wants to get a job at the bowling alley. Since he was in leagues there for years he knows the lady he can talk to, but I still had to go with him to the alley. Unfortunately, she wasn't there so he's waiting on a return call.

healthy, he is combined type and he can be impulsive...like deciding he could do donuts at the SD football stadium after school. It was right across the street from their school bus facility where people were working, and watching. Just didn't think!! The less structure there is in a situation the more likely he is to act without thinking...but it's more actions than words, if you know what I mean.

[jill921]

majorv - my 18 year old was (and still is really) just like your 17 year old. He turned 18 in May and I have noticed he has become a little better at dealing with life on his own. I still sometimes help him with what to say in certain types of phone calls etc. and I know deep down he would like me to be right there to deal with whatever issue arises but he has slowly come around to the idea that he's got to deal with things. It's hard to watch him screw up on the simplest of things (something he does often) but then he'll get something right and I can see him going 'Yay!' to himself and it's great. So it may just be a matter of time and snippets of help along the way. Fingers crossed for him.

[teacherabc]

I don't know if your kid has the same issue, but do you find reluctance to plan? The kid I deal with has a great deal of difficulty with talking to people and one issue is that he doesn't like to prepare for anything, including situations in which he needs to talk. He keeps telling me "I don't plan" and I keep telling him it's something he needs to work on...Especially because part of the difficulty comes from a lack of self esteem and inability to stand up for himself. But some of it also has to do with processing, I think. Not that I am biologically related to him or anything, but I can personally relate to the processing issue in conversation because I have that difficulty myself, only worse. Only with me, I don't have the self esteem issue, so I am more lilkely to say something that isn't relevant to the conversation or is late because I have diffficulty processing oral language. Sometimes, I have to jot down a couple of notes to remind myself of what's being said and I have to really try hard to focus and follow. My kid has the same issue, which makes it difficult to say appropriate things, and combined with lack of planning...If you could get him to role play, that's great. I have had little success with that because of the planning issue.

[jisp]

Often the route of problems you are describing is ANXIETY. Anxiety can be totally debilitating. And if your child is taking a stimulant for the ADHD that can make anxiety worse, especially if it is not addressed. Anxiety can feed on itself, so it can get increasingly worse over time. Does your child see a psychiatrist? If so then you need to mention this behavior to him. Anxiety is best treated with a combination of psychotherapy/cognitive behavioral therapy and medication. Inosital is a non-pharmaceutical food supplement that has been shown to be very effective against treating anxiety. It is gaining acceptance among traditional MDs for this use as there is some pretty solid clinical trials to support the fact that it is very effective. You can buy Inosital at a store like Whole Foods, GNC or Vitaminshoppe. Doses that are effective range from 1gram (2 pills) up to 20 grams (10 pills) and even more.....

The other thing your son needs ASAP is a transition plan, and that plan needs to include a strategy and goals for working on his lack of independence. You are right that at this point if your son was to go off to college it would be a disaster. And college is too expensive these days to send a child who is not 100% ready to embrace the challenge. Your IEP team needs to meet to discuss your concerns about his lack of independence and figure out a way to address them. Transition planning is mandated under IDEA and is an important part of the IEP process for young adults. Also keep in mind that your son need not graduate if he is not ready.

[Mayleng]

My neurotypical non LD 16 (soon to be 17) yr old is also "shy" about going in and asking about employment, he is even anxious about calling on the phone. I was in Borders with him, and he wanted me to ask about jobs for him. I told him he had to do it because it would not look good for Mommy to be helping him and he won't get the job. So I don't think this nervousness is due to LDs or ADHD, it could just be the personality of the kid. Both my boys are shy, my ADDer is the "braver" one when it comes to situations like this.

[majorv]

Jisp, that is a question for me…is he ready to graduate?? I know others here have faced this issue, too. My biggest concern is with the areas that his SpEd counselor and SLP are helping him with. These services didn’t start until a few months before school let out and would have a definite impact on his ability to succeed outside of school. The unknown is - how much progress can they make during this year? I don’t doubt that once he has sufficient credits to graduate and passes the exit level test, I believe they will send him out the door.

I’ve been following the threads about anxiety in kids. It is very difficult to get him to do something outside his “comfort zone”, and it may be partly anxiety, but like Mayleng suggests, part of it may be his personality, too. He doesn't like the unknown and being thrust into new situations and meeting new people. Once he’s experienced a particular situation a couple of times, and he sees that it isn’t so bad, then he’s okay with it. However, last year he was supposed to see a teacher after school for tutorials…someone he’d never met before. I talked him into going one time but when he tried there was another student with the teacher so he wouldn’t go in. l may ask the SpEd counselor what she thinks since she’s working with him.


teacherabc, yes, he does have difficulty with planning and organization - part of his ADHD…and, yes, processing oral language is an issue, too. It's something the SLP is working with him on.