Child's personality conflict with teacher

[TaynTysmom]

I have been lurking on this board for a couple of years. I want you all to know that, over this time, I have gotten so much information and support from your experiences.

My ds is in second grade and is 8. He has a wonderful classroom teacher that understands his issues and is willing to help in anyway she can. He was officially diagnosed with ADHD at 5-6 (kindergarten). Since that time, we have used Ritalin, Concerta and his is now on Focalin...doing okay.

We haven't had too much trouble with the staff understanding and helping him work through his issues. We finally got him an IEP and some help for his writing and test taking anxiety, etc. I am a firm believer that he has ADHD behaviors and then there are 8 year old boy behaviors. I am fully aware of both!

With that said, this year, he has changed classes for two subjects, Science and Social Studies. His only real issue at school, while on meds, is that he talks constantly. In these two classes, the teachers ride him constantly. He comes home daily with a "yellow". He had to flip a card because he was talking.

I know I took the long way to get to my point...sorry. But, on Friday, he came home with an "orange". My son is not a discipline problem. He is sweet, caring and very smart. As I said, his only issue is talking. So, and "orange" alarmed me. What I understand is that another child with "behavior issues" was disturbing him. He was trying to tell this child to stop and leave him alone. The teacher told my son to "flip your card". He did. Then, the other child continued to bother my son again, "flip your card". When leaving the classroom, ds tried to explain to the teacher that he was trying to get the teacher's help. "Flip your card again. Were you talking?" Yes, but I was trying...you know the rest of the story.

So, when ds got home and told me the story, he said, "mommy, I thought that teachers were supposed to help us. I guess Mr. teacher didn't know that". Today, he didn't want to go to school because he would have to go to science with that teacher. When he did go to science, that teacher moved him away from everyone.

My question is: I need to help prepare my son for those types of encounters. He is going to be in that situation on more occasions than I can count. I think it is just a given. But, I would like to arm him with some positive and respectful responses.

Another factor to this is that I am a School Board Member in our district. So, I have to be very, very careful how I deal with teachers directly as to not be seen as "using my authority to benefit my child".

Any help is much appreciated.

D

P.S. All three of the teachers and I had a discussion today. I believe this type of situation will be handled different in the future.

[Mayleng]

You did the right thing by talking to the teachers. Maybe the two teachers can suggest how they want him to tell them that someone is bugging him or when he needs help in a situation he cannot handle. You on the other hand, can tell your child to go up to the teacher and tell the teacher politely that so and so is disturbing him, and can the teacher pls help him. Tell your child to let the teacher handle the other child. He doesn't have to say to a word to the other child.

[d]

tayntysmom said:

My question is: I need to help prepare my son for those types of encounters. He is going to be in that situation on more occasions than I can count. I think it is just a given. But, I would like to arm him with some positive and respectful responses.

Your son is right - teachers are supposed to help. He should always feel that teachers are there to help him so I'm glad you spoke to them and sorted it out.

At age 8 I had frequent communication with my ADHDer's teachers and that worked to everyone's benefit, most importantly my dd. So don't be shy in doing that bc of your board member status. Good teachers welcome appropriate parent involvement and your board member status should not be held against or be detrimental to your kid either (if that made sense).

What I'm worried about with that science teacher is I have never seen the color card system work. It's negative not positive so that is a red flag to me with that teacher. Also, your son should not have been singled out and segregated from the rest of the class as punishment, ADHD or not. Lastly, it is important the 8 yo's should feel they can approach teachers - it's a trust thing given that teachers have a postion of power over kids. I hope that teacher "made nice" with your son by talking to him about that incident to restore the trust. All of these are red flags about that teacher. He/she doesn't "get it" with 8 yo's so please keep on eye on the situation.

As far as kids developing advocacy skills for themselves, I don't think that comes until later. Maybe age 10 if you're lucky. I think advocacy skills are important but at his age, he can't begin to fathom them.

Hope that helps and I somewhat answered your questions.

[kc4braves]

This is off the subject but I'm so glad to hear someone else say that the color card system does not work. We fought it for three years in CA. It was a nightmare. Finally, ds didn't care anymore. Why should he? He was only rewarded if perfect...and sadly, he never was. Always wished parents could give teachers cards every now and then. Anyway, I hope things improve for your son.

KAthy

[snorkeler]

I believe all Parents should go to their PTA mtg and suggest to the Principal that they do a
teacher training day regarding positive reinforcement.

THere is a plethora of informative research available that shows the "color code behavior"
charts DO NOT WORK!!

If you can get the whole or majority of PTA parents to voice their opinion then the school admin WILL have to listen. After all how else is the school to know what their community thinks.
Right on, teach those teachers and the kids/Parents that positive reward is positive motivation.
SNorkeler

[TaynTysmom]

Thank you for your help. I did talk with him about the fact that it could be difficult for the teacher to decifer when he is asking for help or "just talking". So, we also discussed other ways he could tell the teacher he needed his help. We did some roll playing and he seemed to be fine going to school this AM. We discussed the fact that he has a regular classroom teacher that understands all of the issues and he can ALways go to her.

Have set up a meeting with all three teachers and the principal. I am sure that things will be sorted out. As I said, they have always been very helpful when I have asked for something.

As for the color card system, I fully agree that it is a negative system. We will be looking into something much more positive for next year.

Thank you again for all your input.

D