HELP!! Teenage son slacking BIG TIME!

[katykersh]

Can anyone give me any advice to help my 14 yr old ds?He is ADHD ( not so much hyper anymore) and is slacking off so much its driving me crazy. He has just been rediagnosed from a Peds specializing in ADD/ADHD
and she says he has short term memory problems but that overall he is very bright. (We've known that all along.)

I have been in communication with his SERT teacher ongoing to help him. He goes to class unprepared constantly. He comes home with no homework, and when I ask him if he has any homework he says no, or that he did it at school...etc. Now the SERT teacher phones me every Thurs. to report what projects and assignments ds should have completed by the next week or by Monday. That way I can question him on Thursday and make sure that if he didnt bring it home that he brings it home by Friday.

My problem is that I am constantly nagging him to bring these things home, and when he brings them home, Im constantly nagging him to do them. Even then he doesnt complete things. If I dont stand over him and make him do it he wont. I feel like such a B##@h! He sometimes will do the bear minimum amount of work and puts very little effort into anything he does (unless its a subject that he loves) which is very few and far between.
I feel that at some point he has to take responsibility for himself......but I don't want him to fall so far behind that he fails or drops out of school. Next year he is pretty much going to be on his own since he is in high school. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS OR HELP FOR ME??? IM DESPERATE!!!!!!!!! How do you make a kid get motivated??? Is there anything I can do?? He is very very bright but just wont apply himself. Its like he just doesnt give a crap. Oh btw he is currently on 36mgs of Concerta (which we love) but he has been increased to 54mgs because we were just switching him from Ritalin.blah blah blah!!! another story!

[Gillian]

You have my sympathy. My 8th grader (just about to turn 14) has had a terrible year. Much the same as your guy - not bringing homework back, saying he did it at school etc. etc. Nearly driven us mad. He's barely going to make it into 9th grade. Really, it would serve him right if he didn't make it. Maybe that would wake him up. I, too, have been going on and on and on trying to wake him up to reality. Nothing has really worked though. If you have any great ideas for next school year let me know.

[helpusnow]

Well maybe we should all start a teen adhd" MOM SURVIVAL "support group. As you saw I had a similiar
post in the parenting section. I don't know what to say.
Do you let them find out the hard way and probably drop substantially in their grades or even fail. The problem with that solution is that they can not help it that they are disorganized, unfocused etc.... But if you
nag them constantly then you risk the chance of hurting your relationship and then they may not come to you if they have a major problem ....Right now our son is overwhelmed trying to catch up( of course if he would
just buckle down and do it he would have been caught
up already) Tommorrow I'm going to talk to his homeroom teacher and probably the guidance councellor
regarding our problems with assignments, homework etc...I'm hoping they have some ideas or suggestions. I am going to discuss the possibility of some of his final exams being oral. He hates to write. Before March Break he broke his knuckle and had an oral social studies test, which he made 100 in. Now if he had of written that test he probably would have made 89 or 90, because he wouldn't take the time to complete the answers.And if I hadn't drilled him on the answers he would have made less than that. I think the schools have to come up with more effective ways to teach adhd children We're also having trouble with him taking his concerta-he does not like how it makes him feel. I just wish this school year was OVER!!!!

[katykersh]

HELPUSNOW....You are so very lucky that your son is getting good grades. Its so hard when you have a kid that has the potential to do well and then blows it all by not caring. What are your issues with ds? Is it just the lack of respect and fighting with his siblings??? Sorry, I can't remember what you said in your post from the other thread.
In my opinion if he is doing well in school then he is to be praised for working hard. I would try not to be too hard on him because he will feel like his accomplishments are not good enough. The other stuff like attitude etc is something we struggle with. I try to pick my battles and let some things that aren't really a big deal in the long run slide. For example...swearing, My son swears quite a bit. I don't really like it, but I know that most kids do it when we aren't around and its not really hurting anyone. He doesn't use really foul language, but sometimes says damn. and hell. etc. once in a while when its merited he says the s word. I have just asked him to be respectful of me and not use it when other people outside our family are around. For some people this might be unacceptable but for us its not really a big issue. I would rather reprimand him on being disrespectful in his tone and punish him for that.
Have you ever read any of Barbara Colorosa's books? She really has a no nonsense approach to bringing up kids. Called Kids are worth it. She likes to put things into categories when it comes to battles. If its not life threatening, morally threatening, and I forget the other one then she lets the kids make their own consequences. Check it out.
Hope this helps some

[helpusnow]

Hi Katykersh, yes I know I'm lucky my son is getting good grades,but that has been because I've been
riding him constantly to do his homework, assignments etc and constantly helping him get organized, type assignments, etc... since the beginning of the school year.Since he's turned 13 in March, he has been fighting me all the way, and believe me he was no picnic before that either. This past term he dropped to an overall
average of 86 from an 91 average , and I can guarntee
that he is on a steady decline this term even further. My
issues with ds are that he does not want to put in the effort, and the reason his marks are so good now is because I was practically in the grade 7 program with him.
But I can not do that anymore! and so his marks are going down and will continue to do so, But yet he expects and wants everything he has always had, and gets irrate when priviledges are taken away etc..It just
burns me that he is wasting such an incredible brain.He
is not passing assignments in and if he does they are late or done half Ass. He is refusing to take his concerta
because he doesn't like the way it makes him feel and he says he doesn't need it anyway! The past few
assignments he's gotten back have been in the 60's- either because he didn't follow the directions and did what he wanted to do or he was late or he only completed half of it. I know next year will involve a
heavier work, and so I'm very concerned by the way this year is ending...........

[katykersh]

Im sorry helpusnow, I didn't mean to incinuate? sp? that you didnt have a problem just because your ds has good grades. I know how frustrating they can be. I am having the same problem. I know what it feels like when it seems like you are in the 7th grade with them. My son is going into high school next year, where Im sure I will not be able to follow him around and wipe his butt!!! ;D Thats what I told him. I guess the only thing you can do is try to talk to him when he is in a good mood and help him to understand the importance of a good education......oh, well we can only do so much! Unfortunately or fortunately (depending on how you look at it) we can only think for them for so long and then they are on their own in this big cruel world. Hopefully we have laid the foundation and they will come to there senses before they turn 40 ;D

[helpusnow]

No Problem Katykersh! Its been a very difficult evening, I'm glad there is someone still up to chat with. Our son
had a really bad rebound session with Concerta 54mg
tonight. He usually takes 36mg but had been refusing lately. This morning I talked him in to trying 54 mg ( since 36mg didn't seem to be as effective and since he's now 5.5ft and 129 lbs) I told him I would take one also, so I could see how the side effects were. Well I have a head ache, didn't eat all day and have the dryist mouth
I've ever encountered and I'M STILL AWAKE!!! BUt much , much worse is that he was very , very emotional....crying... very upset...said he hates school,
everyone is mean to him. He took everything personal, very sensitive. It was sad and scary, and I don't know what I'm going to do...............................

[Gillian]

helpusnow - we had the refusing medicine deal. Fortunately he had an insane day at school the day he refused the meds and it was insane enough that it woke him up a bit. The next day he took them without a word of complaint. We had another fiasco this morning. He got up late - so was late for school. His Dad gave him a piece of his mind and told him he was grounded. So he didn't bother taking his binder, a pencil - ANYTHING into school with him. That was, of course, his way of giving us the finger (if you'll excuse me). He won't be prepared for any of the classes. I'm sure there will be another fiasco tonight when the reality of "YOU'RE GROUNDED" sinks in. I've about had it with him to put it mildly.

[theirmom]

my boys tried the same kinds of things. no punishment ever worked. So, we set up homework time. If they didn't have homework they had to do my homework (copy the dictionary, read an encyclopedia, etc), but reviewing and studying would be done for x amount of time every day. At the same time, they started getting each teacher to sign an assignment sheet each day so that I would have some clue what was going on - not completing assignmnts, being distruptive. Homework started making it home more often. Still, they need my foot on their butt about this, but we don't argue anymore (well, we don't argue as much, but any improvement helps!)
best to all