Happy New Year???

[2pearl]

Hello everyone. I took a two break from ADHD which means I haven't been around here much at all.
Actually we just stopped my son's concerta (that wasn't working at all) right before xmas break. This difference was profound. Yes, he was hyper and impulsive again but the anger, rages, irritability, sleeplessness, lack of appetite were all gone. I didn't realize how much the medication had changed him until he was off for a few days. It was great.
Then came today. First day back at school. I sent him off w/ a knot in my stomach and of course my cell phone rang this afternoon. It was the teacher calling to complain that he hasn't been listening at all today. But listen to this and tell me if you agree or not.
She told me that she had to put his name on the board more than 3 times today. She said that typically that means he should get a misconduct. She didn't mention why she didn't give him a misconduct. Then she said that she was going to just try giving me a call everytime she has a problem because that seems to upset him and makes him listen better. She said he "doesn't care" when he gets his name on the board. So now I have had to impose the consequence of him missing a field trip because she failed to give him a consequence at school when the problem was occuring. She should have just given him the misconduct! Calling me on my cell phone is not an option! Do you all agree that she is undermining her own authority?
I don't know what to do. This woman (24years old, first year teacher) means well but lacks the experience and skill needed to handle him. I can medicate him til the cows come home but it won't mean squat unless he is getting the proper behaviour modification at home and at school.
Yikes this is so long. I just need to vent this one.
Anyway, here's hoping we all have the Happy New Year we are wishing for.
BTW we go back to the neuro tomorrow to start at square one.

[d]

2pearl said:

Then she said that she was going to just try giving me a call everytime she has a problem because that seems to upset him and makes him listen better. She said he "doesn't care" when he gets his name on the board. So now I have had to impose the consequence of him missing a field trip because she failed to give him a consequence at school when the problem was occuring. She should have just given him the misconduct! Calling me on my cell phone is not an option! Do you all agree that she is undermining her own authority?
I don't know what to do.

This is NONSENSE. Yup, there should be home/school colloboration and cooperation not school ABDICATION of responsibility.

I'd surface it with higher ups. The teacher is in well over her head. The school should be considering a FBA - functional behavioral assessment to find out his triggers and learn about how to EFFECTIVELY deal with them.

And another thing...(can you see my hand is on my hip)... You are his mother, don't you take enough flak/heat for parenting him and now you are put in the position of delivering the school's consequences. That's not your role in life - it is their responsibility to deal with him and get great behavior out of him using POSITIVE not punitive intervention. Nope - you should NOT be doing that.

Make it clear that while you always welcome and encourage school contact and by all means call you whenever, not this type of contact like daily discipline and misconduct. Sheesh louise just when I thought I heard it all...

[Mayleng]

2Pearl, incase you miss the post under Education, checkout this link and give it to your son's teacher, it is from their own Union. Tells the teacher how to help ADHDers and also how important immediate consequence is.

www.aft.org/pubs-reports/american_educator/issues/winter04-05/cogsci.htm

[2pearl]

Thanks d for echoing my own feelings. And Mayleng, thanks for the link. I will definately use it.

Today we went back to the neuro. It was a complete waste of time. He seemed to not remember us and wants to defer us BACK to the psych who sent us to him in the first place! Our new hurdle is that my son is now extremely resistant to trying any more meds as both trials were traumatic. So for the time being he is not on meds.
As far as the teacher...Heres my plan at the moment.
I spoke with her today and asked to meet with her.
I think I'm just going to be direct with her about how I feel about whats going on.
I've also scheduled a more formal meeting with the school guidance counselor and the teacher.
Thats all I know to do right now. I know that the principal is an option (ours is a powerhouse) but I don't feel that I've exhausted all the others first.
I'll let you know what happens. The first meeting is on Thursday.

[LurkNoMore]

Good luck 2pearl!!

Keep us posted!

[2pearl]

Thanks lurknomore!
the school social worker called me on Thursday to follow up with whats been going on.
She told me "confidentially" that the school is really working to help this teacher. They are bringing in extra support in the classroom. She said that this teacher is really "struggling," that other parents have called in and complained about the phone calls and what seems to be a constant passing of the buck in terms of discipline.
She confirmed all of my suspicions and fears.
She said if she were me, she would ask for a Intervention Assistance Team (IAT) which would ensure that there would now be at least 5 more people looking over her shoulder in the classroom to make sure she is handling the kids effectively.
So I did. The meeting is on the 20th. I can't sleep at night because I'm lying awake planning what I want to say at this meeting. Trying to figure how I'm going to help my son, how I'm going help this teacher help my son, how I'm going to let the school know how displeased I am that this had to happen in the first place, etc etc.
Still, I've done so many niave things in the way I handled all of this in the beginning of the year I'm concerned (a little paranoid) that this meeting may not be the right thing to do.
What do you guys think? Advice

[Mayleng]

I am not familiar with an IAT team and what they are supposed to do. However, I am like you, I will be very cautious about what I agree to at the meeting. When they start Blaming the child, you know they are not on your side. Make sure you tell them how displeased you are that the teacher seems to be passing the buck etc. etc. Don't sign or agree to anything until you have had time to digest it at home and "talk" to a few people either here or at schwab.

[sportsmom]

2Pearl,

I also had problems with a "first time" teacher last year. In my case the principal was trying to give the benefit of the doubt to her but I wouldn't cave in. My son was falling so far behind in her "special ed" class---I finally went to the reg ed teacher and started getting handouts and working with ds on my own and with a tutor. She even went as far as to say to my face and at the emergency IEP that ds would never make it in reg ed. I told her that at least he would fail TRYING then getting an A and be bored and falling behind the other kids. Needless to say after going with my gut opinion ds went back into reg ed math and got a b (with little help from me and the tutor). I know what it is like to stay awake and plan what you want to say and how to present the problem to the personal but stick with what you feel and what you know what is best for your son. At least you know other parents have called in with the same concerns you have already presented----in my case no other parents called to complain and I know of at least 4 other parents that was having the same problems that I was so it was even harder for me when I went up to bat for my son----Once again good luck to you and keep us posted!!

[Mayleng]

2pearl, I am going to move this post over to Education, so that you can get more responses.

[2pearl]

Thanks Mayleng!

[eaccae]

2pearl - I am so sorry this has all been happening! We have had two first time teachers and they have been the best teachers DS has ever had. But we have had our share of bad teachers - we had a very bad teacher in Kindergarten and a terrible teacher last year for third grade. First off - I am not sure you should take away a field trip. I personally think that it is the teacher's responsibility to enforce consequences at the school. You have to remember that he is not on meds anymore and he DOES still have his ADHD. Not that this is an excuse - but until you are satisfied that the teacher and the school have done everything in their power ensure that they are doing what they can for your son - I would let him go. It is still a part of school and learning and I am not necessarily sure it should be thought of as a "reward" to be taken away. In our experience (when DS wasn't on meds) I can tell you first hand that "consequences" didn't matter. He was more driven by reward - not always - but it had a much better effect. DS started sabatoging himself and the whole consequence thing backfired in our face big time.

I think you have to stay on the school! I think you definitely need a meeting with the "team" and the teacher to identify the problems and go over different approaches/support, etc.

Personally I don't necessarily believe that the name on the board is a good idea though, because it is rather humiliating in my opinion. Not to mention - in my experience with DS when he wasn't on meds - when the teacher called him out in front of the class with an open behavior chart - the way he dealt with the humiliation was to end up sabotoging himself. When he was doing really well - if the teacher mentioned this - he would purposefully make sure that he did something wrong. And he is not an ODD type personality - but it totally backfired - kids deal with humiliation in funny ways and I personally don't think that humiliation is a good deterrent for anything. A different approach needs to be taken. And although you need feedback and open communication from the school - you do not need frustration calls. I have had too many from the two teachers mentioned above. If the teacher is going to call you - she needs to have some kind of suggestions - like I'm having a problem I think we should meet and try and discuss some options or I'm having a problem but I have spoken to some of the staff and we are going to meet and try and come up with some ideas . . . you do NOT need I'm having a problem, bye. You are probably going to have to be "on" this teacher and the school for the rest of the year. I went through that last year! It was overwhelming and I had to adopt the attitude of - let me just get through the year. I worked with DS the best that I could - but I didn't freak out too much because I knew that it was very much a problem with the teacher as well. And I knew that so many other kids were having the same problem. That is one of the reasons I would let him go on the field trip. Don't send the message to the school that it is all your son's fault (clearly this teacher is having issues with other children too) - and don't send the message that you are going to do their dirty work either - giving them the freedom to do nothing. If that makes any sense.

Anyway - hang in there. It is probably and unfortunately going to be a long year as it sounds like this teacher is ill equipped for the class and your son!!!! Stay on top of the school and as Mayleng says - don't let them put all the blame on your son. He has a disorder and THEY need to try and figure out how best to accomodate him!!! It is such a pain but stand up for him and make sure they do their job to help him!!!

[angel]

Ok, I hope that I can post this the way that I intend it.

As a parent of an adhd child and a former teacher (staying home with my youngest at present) I see and feel emotion on both sides of this issue. ANY new teacher IS in over their head. It is overwhelming and frustrating to be a new teacher. You have all of these great ideas that you want to share with children and then are faced with the cold reality that it is not all about that. The greatest hurdle that you face is discipline. They do not prepare new teachers for what they will face in the classroom. An adhd child can NOT be expected to thrive in most new teacher's classrooms! You are putting them in an environment that has most of the factors that pull them down. (distractions, inconsistent discipline, you name it) The new teacher is going to have to learn all of these things and can only learn them from experience. Try to put yourself in her shoes. I am constantly amazed at how schools deal with our children and how terrible some of the situations actually are. But.... I have to say that teachers need some understanding too. We all know how hard it can be for us to deal with our own children. Imagine trying to keep them on task all day with 20 other children in the room. (of which there may be a variety of other disorders) I am not trying to play the devil's advocate, but sometimes I think it is easier to deal with situations when you can have understanding and release some of the anger. ykwim? I hope that you can get help for your child. I sincerely hope that the school can give this teacher and her students the skills and help that they need. I try to go in to the school before the school year and talk to the counselor about my child's needs. I tell them that she needs someone who is consistent, stong and experienced. (and someone that will have understanding to work with us on medication issues) The sad reality is that finding those kind of teachers can be very difficult.

I hope that I did not offend. I just wanted to add the flip side. We need to try to get behind our school systems and push for teacher education in the area of adhd!!

I love you all,
angel

ps, we have suffered at the hands of misinformed teachers also!! And.... I so want to tell them how to do their job! lol

angel

[mattandchris]

Very well said, Angel. I work in both an elementary school and a middle school and see that it is a tough job. Our school has a mentor teacher for a new teacher for their first 2 years. I think this has proven to be helpful. There is so much to learn when you first start out. The thing that is harder is when a well seasoned teacher lets you down and makes it a tough year for your child.
Keep up with the good work and it does sound as if the school is aware of problems (much is probably due to inexperience) with this teacher. Hopefully they will take the steps to help her out.

[2pearl]

thanks all,
eaccae he did end up going on the field trip. I was going to object if she took that away because it was an educational trip.
Angel your post absolutely did not offend. In fact, being the overly accomodating person that I am, I have spent the last 4 months giving this teacher the benefit of the doubt. One of the things that I plan to say to her at the beginning of the meeting is this, that my main goal is of course to help my son but that she(the teacher) and I can also take this opportunity to learn from each other. She undoubtedly will face another child like mine during her career and I am also certain to experience another teacher who made need help managing my son.
Still, I don't think it's unfair of me to expect her to assume some personal responsibilty for the situation. It's not fair that she is placing the blame entirely on my child and also me to some extent. In a conversation with me on Friday she asked me to make sure that my husband and I discipline my son at home. I would have been horribly offended if it wasn't such an utterly ridiculous statement which proved to me that she doesn't know a thing about me! I would be a lot more impressed by her if she demonstrated more maturity by seeking help and not just blaming the problem on the kids.
Yes, this is a year that we're just going to have to survive. But I am determined to try and make the best of it for everyone involved.
I'm almost done organizing my "opening statement" at the meeting and when I'm done I'll do a test run here.
Thanks for all the great feedback!

[eaccae]

Listen - I have a best friend who is a teacher, many relatives who were teachers - one a former principal . . . I am all for teachers!!! And we have had some great ones! I have a great respect for teachers and I give so much credit to our teachers - so many of them have too many kids, not enough resources . . . but having had experienced two phenomenal first time teachers and two unbelievabley bad teachers who had at least 4 years under their belts . . . it sometimes boils down to more than just experience. There are some teachers out there - whether they be first time teachers or tenured teachers that just don't have the mental strength or the common sense to deal with children that don't fall into the cookie cutter norm. And if you let the teacher get away with too much this year because it is her first year - then it will only become harder to "change" her ways so to speak. What will she have learned? Just my two cents.

Don't take this the wrong way, Angel - but "releasing" the anger would probably burn my child in a lot of instances - and has when I haven't been tough enough. The anger is what keeps the fire lit - giving me the strength to go through the same thing over and over each year without giving up . . . Don't get me wrong - I am not this mean parent who swoops in (actually I abhor confrontation and suffer from great social anxiety) - but I will walk to the ends of the Earth for my kids. I am direct and will call whoever I need to call (principal, etc.) to get done what I need to get done. And still nothing gets done . . . But I agree with you regarding the placement. I call the principal at the end of every school year to make sure she has placed DS with the best teacher fit. Last year was such a nightmare. I called her at the end of the year and told her he had better have a great teacher this year or I was ripping both my children from the school - and going to the board of education to have them switched to a different elementary school. She changed the teacher who he was originally assigned and I thank God every day. The other class has a bunch of bullies, some really hard kids, a teacher with a lot of personal problems - overall just a bad class!

2Pearl - sounds like you are handling the situation well! Good luck! I can't wait to see your opening remarks.

[angel]

I agree!

I think that you are doing the right thing. I, in no way, am saying to not do everything that you can! I am behind you 100%! The teacher is wrong to not take responsibility for what is happening. I think that the classroom atmosphere is totally the teacher's responsiblity. I just think that teachers are thrown into situations that they are not trained for and not equiped for that first year. AND... a huge percentage will never "get it". ykwim? I think that it is unfair to place the responsibility on an adhd child in that kind of situation! I subbed today (1st time since teaching and having ds) and was in the resource room. I had to follow around a few kids (a few adhd) into regular classrooms and was floored at all of the hurdles that they have to overcome. Feet tapping, people talking, teacher teaching, chairs moving, pencils tapping. And all of that was in a pretty controlled classroom. How do they ever filter all of that?

I also have to say that I would be angry too that she was trying to shove the blame onto me, when I knew that her classroom management was a huge part of the problem. I hope that you can get something accomplished. I also can't wait to hear your opening comments!

I just was feeling sorry for her, because I have seen so many people want to be good teachers and fail miserably that first year. (and longer) I know how hard it is to meet all of the expectations and she must really be feeling failure. She IS going to learn from you and your son! Eaccee is right about not letting it go. She does have to own up and face it. I think that you will handle it just right. I am sorry that your son is having to pay for it!

Hang in there and keep us posted!!

angel

[eaccae]

Angel - I just want to say it is great to hear from your perspective and great to know that there are teachers out there like you!!! And if/when you re-enter the workforce there are going to be some lucky kids!!!

[angel]

Thanks girlie!!!!

I am so glad that we all have each other. We all bring different perspectives and understanding to each other. I appreciate you all!!

angel

[2pearl]

Well I'm off to the big meeting in one hour.
I worked out what I was going to say but then the last two weeks my son has been doing great in school. So, thats a good thing but it kind of changes around what I feel the need to say.
Still, my stomach is knots. I think it will be very difficult for me to say alot of what I want to say with the teacher in the room.
Basically, I'm going to explain that I called the meeting because I'm concerned about my son's performance in school both behavioural and academic. I will say that this concerns me because in the four previous years that he has been at the school there have never been any significant issues w/him. And I would certainly know if there was as I'm in the school several days a week volunteering and I see his teachers daily. NOT ONE has ever had trouble handling him. So of course I really want to get to the bottom of whatever may be going on here.
I plan to take responsibilty for the fact that I made the decision to medicate my son before the classroom teacher had enough time to amply get to know him. I may explain why we made the decision to medicate and emphasize that it was something we felt we needed to try because we wanted to know if it could possibly make his life a little easier. We did not try it because we, or other adults in his life, have trouble managing him, quite the contrary. The Concerta worked inconsistently and w/ every passing week of the 5-6 weeks he was on it he grew increasingly more unpredictable in terms of moodiness and anger-control. That the situations that were arising at school during that time were most definately influenced by this. Since has been off the Concerta, he has been back to his regular self at school, same kid he's been for the last four years.
And then I guess we'll just see where it goes from there. I'm not expecting any major opposition but you never know.
I'll let you all know how it goes. Cross your fingers for me! fcr*ssing

[2pearl]

Well it didn't go at all.

My other son fell on the playground today and knocked his two permanent front teeth loose so I had to go pick him up and take him to the dentist ( This is the same child that I spent all day Friday with in the ER because he swallowed a quarter and it got lodged in his esophogas) He's going to be alright though.

So, the meeting had to be postponed and that may even be a good thing because my ds is doing just fine in school right now.

[angel]

Keep us posted!!

angel