How do you motivate an unmotivated child??

[augustnyne]

Hello All! I haven't been here in several months, and I really miss all the great posts.
My son is repeating 6th grade this year. (Last year was a disaster and he never adapted to middle school) We have put him in a private school, that has an LD resource person,(they've been said to be good with LD/ADD kids).
Well so far, not so good. He isn't doing half of his homework, and is even not doing some of his in class work. We had a conference a couple of weeks ago, and they gave me a list of the missing assignments. They are giving him a chance to make some of it up! Problem is, I can't get him to do it. When he gets home he only thinks he should do the homework that he received that day. It's as though he just doesn't understand why he should do some of the make up work. And he doesn't realize that when something wasn't finished in class, that he's supposed to bring it home and finish it. To him that is class work, not homework. It's not that I don't tell him, he just doesn't get it. He is supposed to be taking his planner to each teacher at the end of the class and have him/her sign it, and check to make sure he has written down everything he's supposed to. Well he doesn't take it to most of the teachers most of the time. They tell me that they "announce" toward the end of the class, for "anyone who is supposed to show me their planner, please bring it up now" They say only about 1 in 5 kids will bring it. He very seldom has homework written down for any of his classes except math, and I know he has it in the other classes. I really wish they could specifically ask him to bring his planner to them. He maybe doesn't hear when they announce, or maybe he just figures he won't take it up there and then he won't have to worry about homework. Whatever the reason, I think it would help him to be more accountable if he was specifically asked.
And studying for a test, forget it. He won't and I'm not even sure if he knows how. I try to help him but he just gets an attitude.
Sorry, I have rambled on, and vented, but I'm so frustrated. It just seems like he doesn't even care whatsoever! Oh yeah, and he's already had 3 detentions for stupid goofing off kind of stuff. I'm so scared he's going to end up kicked out of this school, and then he'll be right back in public school hell! (Of course , he thinks he would rather be in public school, but last year he didn't want to.)
I saw in another post someone wondered if they would ever be able to exhale! I feel exactly the same way!Every phone call that comes during the day, I wonder if it's him saying he's sick, or them telling me he is in trouble!
~Karen~

[JulieinSC]

If you noticed my post on the homework war thread, I'm facing somewhat the same battle. I'm not having much luck motivating my 13 year old (ADHDinattentive) son either.

Since your son is in a private school, I don't think it's unrealistic to ask the teachers to make sure that your son brings them the agenda for them to sign. When my son was starting 6th grade it was very common for the classroom teacher to make sure the homework was copied down and the agenda signed. If the child didn't remember the teacher would ask them, by name. I don't think that's asking too much of the teachers, especially at the beginning of the school year. (Many kids have a hard time transitioning from elementary to middle school, and having numerous teachers, so this is a very common request.)

Failing that, do any of the teachers have an internet homework website, such as schoolnotes.com? This can be a great way to keep up with daily assignments.

It also sounds like, for now, you need to keep up with missed classwork on a daily basis, rather than waiting for several weeks worth of stuff to pile up. Could you perhaps communicate with the teachers, via email, more frequently?



Hopefully someone will come up with some motivating tips, because I need those as well!!

JulieinSC

[augustnyne]

Thanks JulieinSC for the post.
I have another conference tomorrow with the teachers and I will ask them if they can ask him more specifically for his agenda and make sure he has things written down. I don't think they have a homework website, but I will ask. That would be wonderful.
The thing with the homework piling up all at once, was that I didn't realize until a few weeks into school, and now there is so much it's overwhelming for both of us. If we could just get caught up, I think it would be better.
I think I will also call the LD resource person and talk to her today.
Thanks again!

[chaknine]

My advice to you is to lay down the law now!!!!!! I currently have a 16year old step son who had the same attitude towards home work and class work. Well it results in them becoming so far behind that when they do want to try and pull it together they can not! He is now repeating all of his freshnman classes. No drivers ed for him, because you have to pass all your classes the semester before you take driver ed here. My Dh did not push the issue with my step son when he was that age (6th/7th) and now he has been placed in the resource room for math and english because this has gone on for so many years not doing the work that he can not do it now. His former school just kept sliding him through the grades, and this one will not!! Dh realizes the not writing down assignments, saying he had no home work ect... was a behavior not a an adhd thing ect.. He does have Add, but he also had a big attitiude! Good luck, try to take care of it now!!

[theirmom]

hello.
This is what works for us....

each morning ds (now in hs) picks up a pre printed chart from his counsellor with his name, date, ad all academic classes.

Each teacher must initial one line that includes behavior, homework done, homework due, comments. Ds is responsible for writing everything down AND for getting the signatures. No signature means a punishment.

Then, the paper comes home to me. No paper? Just forgot? punished. I read, review, and sign and date at the bottom.

Ds returns sheet to counsellor and picks up new sheet.

The school serves as the "compilation" center. They don't dole out punishments, I do. 1st time, no phone/computer; 2nd time not phone, computer, tv, 3rd time no phone/computer, tv, OR BASKETBALL

In 2 years, we have only had to resort to this 3x. (1x for each level). Although, I have had to return him to school to get the paper.... but since all sigs were in place I gave him a break.

this works well for us.... and I'm not sure that these aren't add behaviors. When my older son was on the right dose of the right med, I never had to ask what was homework? was it done? he handled it all. On other meds......I'm police officer again.

[augustnyne]

Thanks everyone for all your words of advice!
Chaknine, I know you are right and thanks for giving it to me straight. We have always been horrible with 'laying down the law' (as you can imagine). I always worry so much about hurting their feelings, or having them mad at me, or destroying their self esteem. Our Psychiatrist, gave it to me like it was the other day and pretty much said the same thing.
It's funny (ironic) actually, because when I was reading your post yesterday afternoon, I was listening to him scream, cry and have a fit, because we told him if he didn't go to school yesterday morning then he was grounded the rest of the week.(He basically had said he couldn't go because he was to tired and was afraid he'd fall asleep and get another detention. I told him that was to bad and that he needed to go to sleep earlier. He kept on and on, and finally we said "if you stay home today then you're grounded the rest of the week", he got mad but still insisted he couldn't go. Later, he kept begging me to let him go outside, saying how unfair it was. I continued to say 'no', it was horrible the screaming, crying, etc...But we stuck to our guns. Now, today is another day and he will probably do the same thing when he see's that we aren't going to give in. I'm hoping that it won't take too much of this for him to settle down. My stomach gets all tied up in knots.
Theirmom, I have recently talked to the LD Resource person at his school and she's sending me some kind of contract to go over with him and have all of us sign. So maybe that will help. I also have a conference with the teachers again today. I'm hoping to ask them if they can just ask him specifically for his planner and make sure he has written down any homework. I thought maybe if we do it for, say 2 weeks, and then tell him that he now needs to remember himself, or some kind of punishment.
This is just crazy, I cried all the way home the first morning I dropped him off at this new school. I just feared it wouldn't be any better than last year. I really do feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall!!

[mrsheartbuzz]

Here are a few things that worked for us...

1. Planner must be signed. homework or not.
2. forget the planner and you have a choice
a. $1.00 to drive to school to get it
b. no TV for the evening( he always picks "a")
fortunately for us our IEP states that we have an extra set of books, so books is not the issue, just the planner.
3. one subject of homework done = 30 minutes of play
or tv time. Then the next subject.
4. Tests: teacher must give us warning so we can study
bits and pieces each night. Treat it like a homework
Study 15-30 minutes= playtime.

A timer is a must have. always give 5 minute warning during playtime and if you get the old "just 5 more minutes" then next playtime goes away. It may take some time, but it works.

Does he have an IEP? Specifically write in it that the teacher must ask him every day for the planner and sign it. Then She/he can be held partly responsible for the missed work. Also, have the teacher write in homework AND classwork missed so that your son knows this has to be done also. Have the your son or teacher write "study" as the assignment.

The reason I keep writing" have the teacher write things" is that my son has trouble writing and his teachers actually write the assignment in the planner so it is legible. He tried to get around the "study" thing because she never "wrote it" in the planner. Once she "wrote it down " to study, he did it.

[chaknine]

Thanks for the tips!!! I am using the timer with my 8 year old, I am hoping it will help after she gets use to the idea.
Karen it is hard but stick to your guns!! I am going through the same thing with my 8 year old, I have marched her back in school to get her assignments wrote down more than once now. I figure we had better get this assignment book down now before I am hunting for several teachers when she hits middle school. Also at our house if you do not go to school, you stay home. If you missed a day or 2 during the week then on the weekend you get to play school with me on the weekend. ( they hate this). Also when you are home sick no playing or going out side. If your well enough to play, your well enough to go to school. Make them start taking responsibility for the actions and choices!!
Hang in there!!