Doesn't belong

[kluv2jazz]

My son is only 5 and in preschool but I am rather worried. This is his second year and he is much more social than he was last year, which I am very excited about. I just received his results from the school conference and she didn't rate him on confidence and standing up for his rights. The picture he drew of himself was just scribbles and looked like fire. Now he is behind in his fine motor skills but can at least draw stick figures. When I asked him why he drew that he got really upset and just kept saying he didn't belong at school, he belongs at home. How do you build confidence in young children? I praise him as much as possible but obviously due to the adhd he is often being redirected in appropriate directions. She said he is confident with those he knows such as herself but doesn't join in if a stranger comes in for reading or whatever. She also said that although he is much more social this year that the other kids are doing the initiating, not him and she is still seeing some parallel play.

[Rebelmom]

ADD kids are funny, sometimes normal child psych doesn't work on them, their brains are so different. Are you sure its as bad as it sounds? Are there other signs of him lacking feelings of value and worth?

Let me say here and now that inappropriately high levels of self-esteem may be worse that low levels. Levels of self-esteem that are too high lead kids to believe that they are more important than anyone else, and that they should never be frustrated by work or challenges in life. It leads young people to believe that they should always have their way. Inflated levels of self-esteem ultimately discourages children and teens from learning how to work hard, and may well lead into criminal behavior (every criminal that I've ever met had extremely high levels of self-esteem, not low levels). Inflated levels of self-esteem also are directly at odds with the development of one's spirituality and relationship with God. After all, who needs to develop a relationship with God when he believes that he is more important, and more powerful than God? People are cheated in every important aspect of their lives, emotionally, socially, and spiritually, when their sense of self-esteem is inflated.

First, change the way that you look at this area of life from "self-esteem" to "self-confidence." There is a difference as wide as the sea. To "esteem" someone, including one's self, involves feelings of "reverence" or "awe" or "honor" or "glory." Words have meaning. Let's not get carried away with trying to make our kids feel good about themselves by starting to ascribe to them positions of honor normally reserved for God, and perhaps for Presidents and Kings. The majority of our society's problems are caused by people thinking that they are as important or as powerful as God, or at least that they are more important than anyone else in the world. This is not something that we really want to encourage in our children, or in ourselves.

Instead we do want to encourage self-confidence. This attribute becomes especially powerful and beautiful when paired with the virtue of self-control. Raise your children to have these two character traits, and you will have wonderful and successful children, ADD/LD or not.


Encouragement
Praise
Acceptance and Responsibility.

Encouragement comes when you focus on your child's assets and strengths in order to build his/her self-confidence. See the positive. Even failures can be outstanding learning experiences. Encouragement sounds like this, "I like the way that you did that," or "I know that you can do it," or, "It looks like you worked very hard at that." Encouragement is NOT giving compliments for work poorly done, but under those circumstances it IS inspiring your child to work harder and do better. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up, according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." -St. Paul (Eph. 4:29)
Ultimately self-confidence comes from having accomplished things worth being proud of. Reserve Praise for things well done. Where Encouragement is given for effort, Praise is given for accomplishment. Just say, "That's a good start, keep at it," when the work is not yet worthy of praise.

Accept your child for who he/she is. If you expected that your baby would grow into an Olympic athlete with an IQ of 148, and instead he/she is "average" then you might be very disappointed as a parent (most children are "average," which is why they call it "average."). Disappointment is often turned into anger, or at least frustration. If your child cannot live up to your expectations and dreams for him or her (and why should they?) then please be careful of your emotions. If you are not careful, your own dreams and expectations for your child will become a wedge between you and your child. Please don't make your love, encouragement, or acceptance, dependent on their performance or behavior.

Teach Responsibility to your children. Let them try things and let them fail once in a while. Don't keep bailing them out. Victory only tastes sweet if we taste the bitterness of failure once in a while. Trust me, the dog's not going to starve if he misses a meal or two. The newspaper won't come to run a story on your family if your child fails to make his bed once in a while. Just use these occasions to remind your child that if his/her dog is going to ever eat again, he/she needs to get out there and feed it (assuming that's your child's job), and that he or she is an important member of your home and that he needs to be responsible with doing his chores. Make the consequences for not being responsible fit the crime. And of course be sure to reward/praise your child when he/she does act responsibly. Behavior that is rewarded tends to reoccur, and behavior that is ignored tends to go away -- so always reward/praise responsible behaviors.

[TerryB]

Hi,
When we first discovered that our child was "unusual" with respect to her peers we decided to give her every advantage where she was the most talented and received the most enjoyment. We suspected that "art" and "creativity" was the most important this to her. We sign her up regularily for art classes at our local arts center. We have 5 lower drawers dedicated to "arts and crafts". We actually have an ugly plastic "art table" sitting right next to our dining room table. After she produces one of her many masterpieces we give her very specific feedback such as: "I like the movemnet lines" or "I like the way the eyes are located just above the middle of the face." This way she knows we are not giving false praise. Sometimes she will say to me, "Mom, are you proud of me". I usually reply, "of course, but are YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF". We have also gotten her involved in Dance because she enjoys it so much. I'm not sure if it is an area of talent but she enjoys it so much. The art has improved her self-respect (I don't like the term "self-esteem" either but I think we are talking about the same thing). The dance just gives her another choice as to how her time is spent and it makes her mood better. This happiness and self-respect has helped her to have more confidence doing her Math and in her peer relations. I have to say that my daughter played a lot on her own in KG because she found what she was doing much more interesting and she wanted the control. She was actually much more happy not playing some dumb Barbie game and she certainly didn't want to get rough with the boys. In first grade other kids became real interested in her artwork and would regularily drop by to see what she was working on during recess. She actually ended up encouraging and teaching other kids art techniques. Eventually, she has found other creative kids to play with that can keep up with her complicated imaginary cat games or can just do their own art right beside her. My point is that she actually enjoyed the control of playing by herself and I eventually did not worry. She was so happy and with maturity she has ended up socializing more.

That was really too long. The point is to not only work on what the child has trouble with but get the child fully involved with the areas of talent or personal enjoyment. Everything else will come up along with self-confidence. Praise only goes so far. A child has to experience real successes.

[marycas]

Two of my kids are like this-one is dx'd ADD.

I wish I knew the answers but mine are 18 and almost 12 and still lack the kind of social skills we like to see in kids

Mind you, the 18 yr old has held two jobs and excelled at both. We were shocked when he was promoted to the customer service desk after a shorter time at cashier than many other/older employees

It's odd-the social skills that make one at ease and popular in school arent the same as the ones that count in the workforce. He was well liked and had customers ask for him by name.

But, as a mom, it still bothers me. He too only associates with friends when THEY seek him out. This means a lot of time alone at home. He has not dated-had a 'inschool' girlfriend one year that Im sure was 100% initiated by her. Two other vacation only relationships(one set up by a friend)

I wish I had some answers for you. Your son is still VERy young and things can change. The slow motor skills might just mean he is a late bloomer who will blossom in 2-3 years

Hang in there. And, if either you or your husband fit this social profile, realize it is unlikely he will EVER be homecoming king. Genetics IMO are a powerful thing.

I'm reserved and shy, didnt date until the summer after high school, etc. And, although DH insists he was popular and dating a different cheerleader every night, well, I havent seen it!!!!

Heck, we only had 2 people(one ea) stand up to our wedding!!!

[mattandchris]

I have two sons. The 13yr old is ADHD and my 9 yr old is not. They are complete opposites in so many ways. My younger son struggled when he was younger. He needed to repeat Kindergarten because he could not keep up to his peers. He was bright enough but both his large and fine motor skills were very poor. He is doing well in school now , but I often need to remind people that although chronologically he is 9 developmentally he is not. He has gained confidsence in himself over the past couple years. The point I wanted to make was that many of the things you see in your child is the same -school wise as my non-ADHD child.

[kluv2jazz]

mattandchris said:

The point I wanted to make was that many of the things you see in your child is the same -school wise as my non-ADHD child.

color=Purple]thank you all for your replies. you have definately given me food for thought. I too need to step back and realise that developmentally he is going to be behind the others. He was almost 2 months premature and has always lagged behind. He has dyspraxia(a motor planning disorder) and also some sensory integration issues. I guess he has just made so many gains over the past years that I thought he would be more caught up by now. I guess my next question is how to you build his self confidence when so many things are a struggle for him because of his motor planning issues. He does realise that he is smart. and I have tried to push the brains over braun theme since I know he will never be the athletic type. So many issues are such a struggle for him, such as writing his name. I am not sure what direction or even activity to head him in so that he can learn more self confidence.[/color]

[TerryB]

Does he have an interest in computers?

[kluv2jazz]

TerryB said:

Does he have an interest in computers?

actually Terry, yes!! he does really well with it and has all the preschool kindergarten cd's as well as some games. He academically is above average which is why I push the smarts thing. Unfortunately this doesn't help him in social situations unless they are at the computer at school. did you have an idea for me?

[mattandchris]

WOW, your son is so much like my youngest. My son was early too, but not premature. He had GER and was far behind other infants-didn't sit until 12mos. walked at 18mos. He also has extreme lactose intollerance. Since I was with him so much I thought he had caught up. His delays-which were all physical became evident when he went to kindergarten. Although the other children were not mean to him they didn't include him in any free play. Like your son writing and cutting were very difficult for him. He had a wonderful teacher, who he stayed with during both his years of kindergarten. I think I needed to let him be with the children who were developmently the same as him. He has a lot of friends now. Most are athletic and accept that he is not. He has begun running and enjoys that sport. He is also in 4-H which helps build on the thing he is good at. Your son sounds bright and very capable, along with learning to deal with his dyspraxia and ADD, remember that he is only 5.

[TerryB]

What about a Playdate? Some parents don't like playdates to involve screen-time (TV or Comp) but as long as you told the Mom it might be OK. You could have playdates that involved free play for an hour and then computer games for an hour. Your son would probably end up teaching the friend a thing or two!

We live in the country so we had to work for playdates initially. The best thing that I ever did to encourage playdates was to have a birthday party for the entire KG class so that the parents could check out our home environment and check out us as good influences. Try to be visible in school also so that other Moms can get to know you. Don't be discouraged if some of the dates don't go over perfectly either. It's all part of the process.
If his birthday is not coming up you could just have a party for some other occasion. I have heard of a "Kid's Holiday Party" that you give either before or after Christmas. You can wrap small presents in several layers of paper and the kids pass around the present, each removing one layer, and the child that unwraps the last layer gets the present. You can do this several times but in the end give the kids that didn't get a present a present of their own. You have to be creative. Girls have tea or fairy parties but I don't know what boys do.

[kluv2jazz]

mattandchris said:

WOW, your son is so much like my youngest. My son was early too, but not premature. He had GER and was far behind other infants-didn't sit until 12mos. walked at 18mos.

this was Logan too! he didn't roll over till 8 monhs, sat at 12 and walked at 20.....and then his fine motor skills weren't too bad. what happened with therapy was we got his large motor skills to catch up some which really made the fine motor stick out.
He is only 5 and I shouldn't worry like I do but it just seems like all these things he struggles so hard to accomplish has got to make him feel beat up.
I remember his little cousin was over with him one time and he wouldn't swing without me pushing him cause he can't make himself go fast. Natalie was soooo funny. she said just try, if you can't do it don't worry about it! lol but he gets so upset that he can't do things and then he won't even try sometimes cause he has that can't do mindset.

[kluv2jazz]

TerryB said:

What about a Playdate?

I do have one friend who has a son 6 months younger and I try to get him over there at least once a week to play. He also has a theraputic play group he goes to once a week but that won't be back on till after the new year plus it is children with other developmental problems. It is good social skills wise but sometimes I wonder if it appropriate since he isn't learning how to interact with typical children.



Try to be visible in school also so that other Moms can get to know you. Don't be discouraged if some of the dates don't go over perfectly either. It's all part of the process.

this really is a good idea. We migrated here from another town close by and I really don't know many moms here.

I have heard of a "Kid's Holiday Party" that you give either before or after Christmas. You can wrap small presents in several layers of paper and the kids pass around the present, each removing one layer, and the child that unwraps the last layer gets the present.


I really like this idea!! I have never heard of this!!