High school daughter struggling with needing to be right

[specialedmomsf]

My DD is a sophomore now, fully mainstreamed with services. She is my first and only, I have obviously made many mistakes as a parent but also as her “advocate”. Balancing the role of; Mom, teacher and advocate has been a hard road. We now do have a advocate who has been with our family now for 4 years, she mostly now only attends the annual IEP meetings or emails with me when stuff really hits the fan. Otherwise we try to limit her since the hourly rate can be spent on a tutor.
There are major gaps in my DDs education which everyone is aware of and is trying to re-mediate, but there are only so many hours in a day. My DD has been getting increasingly irritated with me which I wrote off as the teenage years, but tonight she basically broke down in tears because we told her she could not go hangout with friends because she has Fs in two classes (not normal for her). Granted the semester did just start and there is very little in to help weigh the grades out, bottom line is she failed two tests and is missing homework which brought her grade to an F. The teacher is allowing her to retake the test for a lower grade and turn in the homework which will result in the grade being raised. She did take one of the tests today and passed. She was very proud of herself since it’s math and she struggles (she actually struggles in everything, nothing comes easy). I texted her and told her I was proud of her. When I got home I asked to see an assignment for English, they had to write a business letter, proper grammar, punctuation, spelling etc. She did not use her accommodation of the computer (barley ever does, does not want to be different). I asked her to reread a few of the sentences since they were missing words and did not makes sense. She was getting upset I could tell. I calmly kept going, I got to a word that she mixed her B and Ds up, I prompted her, She started to cry and yell at me to get out of her room. She told me she hated me, that I made her this way and that I am never proud of her for doing good and today I should have just been happy she did good on a test but instead I just focused on the grammar and backwards bs and ds and I make her feel stupid.

I am her biggest supporter, but the desire to ALWAYS be right is killing me, she refuses to take constructive feedback, she takes everything personal. It’s not just me, she has started to do this with teachers as well. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to make her feel good about herself when someone is ALWAYS having to help her or correct her. How do you make someone feel good when it seems like there is always a struggle. I fear for her, I fear that she is being held back because of her own insecurities. She is a popular girl, cheerleader and has tons of friends so it's not as if she is an outcast but there is a weekly struggle. She has a hard time with peer leaders (cheer captain) due to wanting to be right, Advice?

[bros]

Just because they're popular, doesn't mean they are perfect.

Her desire for perfection in things she can control (cheerleading, things like that) could be driven by the fact that she struggles in her academics.

With her homework, she's in HS. Try a hands-off approach for a week or two and see how she does. Just ask her if she's done her homework, and then leave her be. Let her try to develop her own procedures for getting work done - she does only have two more years of HS left, then she's off to college.

With her not using her accommodation of the computer for homework - perhaps you two can come to an agreement: She types out a rough draft, then handwrites the assignment, copying from the spell/grammar checked rough draft.

It sounds like she is under a lot of stress from multiple sources (her teachers, for the low grades, her peers, for her actions in cheerleadering, and her parents, for (in her mind) focusing more on her failures than her achievements) and perhaps she might benefit from seeing a therapist. See if she would be open to it. See if she would want individual or family therapy, where the two of you can discuss issues. Both of you might benefit from her having, let's say, 30-35 minutes of individual therapy, then 10-15 minutes of family therapy.

[healthy11]

I concur with bros, and while it's one more thing in an already crowded schedule, I do feel that if your daughter is willing to talk with a family therapist, it could be time well spent. My son, especially in his teen years, also acted ungratefully, with rudeness and spite towards me, even though I, too, was his biggest advocate and supporter. It helped him to be able to "vent" to a "neutral" third party person when he saw the therapist, and he seemed to accept suggestions better from the therapist, even if they were the same suggestions I would have made. Similarly, I could have tutored my son academically, but he and I often clashed "like oil and water," so it was worth paying an independent person, since he listened better to a tutor. (If you do seek a therapist, I'd ask if they are willing to accept emails from you regarding your daughter... While privacy laws limit what they can share with you, unless the patient (your daughter) agrees, there's nothing that says you can't provide more information to them. When my son was seeing the therapist, before each visit, I'd email a short summary of "key items" that had happened since the last appointment, and issues that I thought would be helpful to address.)

[eoffg]

It seems that she is struggling to accept that whatever she writes, isn't good enough!
No matter how hard she tries, it isn't right in other people's eyes.
It's not enough, to just do the best that she can.

[bros]

Jan 28, 2015 0:30:46 GMT -5 healthy11 said:

I concur with bros, and while it's one more thing in an already crowded schedule, I do feel that if your daughter is willing to talk with a family therapist, it could be time well spent. My son, especially in his teen years, also acted ungratefully, with rudeness and spite towards me, even though I, too, was his biggest advocate and supporter. It helped him to be able to "vent" to a "neutral" third party person when he saw the therapist, and he seemed to accept suggestions better from the therapist, even if they were the same suggestions I would have made. Similarly, I could have tutored my son academically, but he and I often clashed "like oil and water," so it was worth paying an independent person, since he listened better to a tutor. (If you do seek a therapist, I'd ask if they are willing to accept emails from you regarding your daughter... While privacy laws limit what they can share with you, unless the patient (your daughter) agrees, there's nothing that says you can't provide more information to them. When my son was seeing the therapist, before each visit, I'd email a short summary of "key items" that had happened since the last appointment, and issues that I thought would be helpful to address.)

My parents will just call my therapist's cell phone if someone is up. Since sometimes I have difficulty expressing what is stressing me out in sessions, or I really need to talk to him ASAP.

[healthy11]

Bros, you've obviously given permission for the therapist to speak with your parents. My son was reluctant at first, although he later did agree to have us attend some sessions, and share information with the counselor. He only saw the therapist for about a year and a half during high school, but it "took some of the edge off," and if I had another teen who was really struggling with parental (and/or peer) interactions, I'd do it again. It sounds to me like specialedmomsf's daughter could also benefit.

[bros]

Jan 28, 2015 18:28:00 GMT -5 healthy11 said:

Bros, you've obviously given permission for the therapist to speak with your parents. My son was reluctant at first, although he later did agree to have us attend some sessions, and share information with the counselor. He only saw the therapist for about a year and a half during high school, but it "took some of the edge off," and if I had another teen who was really struggling with parental (and/or peer) interactions, I'd do it again. It sounds to me like specialedmomsf's daughter could also benefit.

Most of the communication, outside of seeing him in the waiting room at his office, is when I need to talk to him sooner rather than later, or if I need to move my appointment. He doesn't discuss what goes on in our sessions with my parents.

[dw]

I like bros' advice, so empathetic and insightful.
Girls are so hard when they have LD's, etc. they are so much more concerned about what their peers think, and they access their emotions and get it all mixed up with their self esteem.
I like the tutoring idea, while you disengage, somewhat, from the day to day homework. I hope it is something you can do, afford. Also, the family therapy is a good idea. Therapy is a process of learning. She may not appreciate it now, but it will probably pay off for the future.
I was told, "I hate you!" and variations so many times! Its a teenage brain, so much emotion and not very much restraint. It hurts but you have to somehow preserve your energy because it won't help if you get this mixed up with your self esteem, also. Your a persistent mom who has been struggling for years for your str's benefit.
Maybe you already do this, but think of ways to show positivity when she least expects it.  I read a book called, "The 7 languages of love for teenagers," during the bad teen years.  It promotes the idea of finding out what will convey your love to your teen.  My husband left pieces of chocolate in places she would find it, and I found movies and planned lunch and shopping trips, as clothes was a territory I could be really neutral on (I kept my mouth shut about clothing choices, just paid the bills.)

[kewpie]

Does your daughter have a an RSP or resource person at school? I have a daughter the same age and it can be hard. I communicate with the RSP at least several times a week and try to let the RSP do the "heavy lifting" in terms of what is due in class. My daughter is a cheerleader and she was doing it at school as well as in a private gym. She finally realized it was too draining to do both. She stayed with the private gym as they were more professional and it was better for her to have two practices as week rather than 5 practices with the school team.
I do need to add that I took my dd out of regular school for a year in 8th grade to do the Arrowsmith program and it has made her so much easier to deal with. It built her executive functioning skills and gave her a maturity to understand when she is not doing well and it much better at taking advice (at least for a teen).

[empeg1]

I have a daughter who also struggled in school, with LD and more. She also was a cheerleader. Remember that your daughter is a teenager. The developmental agenda for a teen is to individuate from her parents, from you. She is trying to establish who she is, separate from you, and to leave you, as is developmentally appropriate when the time comes. Then, with her LD, she has a mom who, excuse me for being blunt, is in her face re her school work, fully involved in the work she does, correcting her, and asking about whether or not she is using accommodations or not. I know, I know, your intent, is to continue to teach, correct, help and advocate for your daughter, all wonderful goals. But, you have a teen daughter who is trying to separate from you, as she needs to do and your involvement in her school work, to such a degree is colliding with the latter agenda. Then too, you are mom. You want her, as a teen, to see you as someone she can come to when there are tough decisions for her to make and she feels unsure. To do that, I think you must step out of the role of someone who is supervising her homework, etc. You cannot easily be both with a teen.

I learned all of the above the hard way. And, I came to a firm decision. Being mom was more important than teacher, corrector, and supervisor, in a teen who would not tolerate the above. Your daughter needs more autonomy from you in her school work. The RSP has to step up. If you can afford it, hire a tutor to work with your daughter, someone who is NOT mom. Then step into the role of someone who is guiding your daughter to adulthood, letting her make mistakes, helping her to figure out what she needs to do (and not do) and being her "cheerleader". I know, deeply that nothing is worth losing the latter role in your daughter's life. Finally, effog said something very important. Your daughter may feel that nothing she does is "good enough" with her school work, not a feeling you want to reinforce in your daughter.

Peg