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Post by beth on Aug 19, 2013 18:47:26 GMT -5
I don't think my son wants to take any responsibility for his decisions. I tried this afternoon to talk to him again. He told me that he didn't do anything to lose our trust because we didn't trust him to start with not to drink. He told me that last February when we picked him and several friends up at a party only to find kids drinking beer in the backyard that he didn't drink and we didn't believe him. We would not let him drive home (yeah, right--we had three other kids in the car apart from the drinking) and the next day apparently my husband made a snide remark about him being hung over when he asked for advil for his back. So he said I didn't have any trust to lose. I called him on it and said so are you saying that we are the reason you drank. He said no but I don't feel guilty either because you never trusted me to start with.
His brother told me how drunk he and his friend were at the beach when he took them and he absolutely refuses to acknowledge that he did anything. I think that allows him to repeatedly tell me that we are overreacting to one incident.
When I tried to talk him about the vodka bottle that had water in it before we locked our liquor cabinet, he told me he would have talked about it yesterday but not today. we gave him a head ache yesterday and wasn't going to talk about this any more.
And then he told me he would not go to the beach or parties for two weeks and then we could breathlizer him if we wanted.
I didn't press anymore but told him he didn't set the agenda for what he talked about and his father and I would decided what he could do when.
So his way of deflecting, as Sharon put it, is to tell me that we never trusted him to start with so the fact that we don't trust him now means nothing.
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Post by healthy11 on Aug 19, 2013 19:23:08 GMT -5
No one ever said parenting, especially adolescents, was easy. Beth, in your son's case, since he is agreeing to submit to Breathalyzer testing, it sounds like he is willing to try to (re)gain your trust, which is better than flat-out refusing to adhere to any of your parental guidelines. I don't honestly know if it means there are just other ways (ie, drugs) that his friends have access to, to get a similar "high" without triggering a positive Breathalyzer test, but I hope not.
My son was home for the weekend, and I actually asked him what he would recommend if someone's underage kid was getting drunk regularly. He shrugged his shoulders, and then said, "Not everyone is like you were. Some parents don't care...if a teen has a lot of friends whose parents are like that, then it's no surprise a kid is going to hang out with those friends and do the same things." My son didn't really have any suggestions for how you could stop teen drinking completely, especially once kids have access to cars, but he admitted that if parents band together, and kids get the message from more than just one person, it's easier not to feel like you're the "only one who isn't drinking a ton."
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Post by SharonF on Aug 20, 2013 7:01:45 GMT -5
beth--
He's running out of excuses. Fast. It sounds like he's trying to blame anyone and anything, hoping he'll find some way to get you to back off. So he's trying to make you feel guilty. Make you feel like you made a mistake in one word you said or one thing you did. Make it sound like he is smarter than you. Or that you are out of touch with reality.
Very typical teenage tactics.
Stay calm and stay strong. Like jisp said, eventually he will appreciate both your actions and your intentions. That doesn't make this part of the journey easier. But this difficult stage will eventually pass.
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Post by beth on Aug 20, 2013 9:26:53 GMT -5
So do you think we should continue to press him to take responsibility for his choices? And make him tell us about the vodka? We had originally accused his older brother who denied it. At that point, we did not know the younger one was drinking. But in May there was an incident at a friend's house. The mother who called me told me that they had put water in the vodka bottle.
This son has always tried to blame other people for his choices.
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Post by SharonF on Aug 20, 2013 14:54:59 GMT -5
I don't think it's wise to try to force him to tell what he knows about the vodka bottle incident or admit to any other drinking that you suspect but can't prove. It will always be your unproven (but valid) assumptions against his verbal denial. Which means more arguing about your suspicions, which may only prolong his denial and your frustration. And allow him to keep thinking the rules don't apply to him. Instead, I would make this entire issue about trust. Because of his actions, you are taking away some privileges. He must earn back your trust before he earns back those privileges. You and your husband are to decide what actions make him trustworthy. He does not get to decide which of his actions should make you trust him. For example, this probably should not be about his grades. Or his clothing. Or whether he does his own laundry. This is about his behavior in certain situations and whether you can trust him when he's with certain friends/around certain temptations. Reassure him that he has your unconditional love. But he does not have your unconditional approval of certain actions. Again--the key issue is not whether he drank this time but not that time. It is much bigger. It is about whether he has proven to be trustworthy. He has not. If you trusted him, you wouldn't be wrestling with how to handle this situation. He won't like it. For one thing, it sounds like he enjoys debating and nitpicking at what you and your dh say. All the more reason to keep it short and sweet. He wants privileges? He must prove by his actions that he is trustworthy. Everyone makes mistakes. So the punishment (revoked privileges) should fit the "crime." And he should be given opportunities to earn back your trust. Make this into a "teachable moment." But make it clear that, if he violates your family rules and the law again, the consequences will be more severe. And it will be significantly harder to earn back your trust. If my experience is any guide, he may not "get" it the first time. Or even the second. Eventually, it will sink in. "Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change." (Quote often used by Alcoholics Anonymous) Hang in there, beth!!
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Post by healthy11 on Jul 25, 2014 13:18:09 GMT -5
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